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Thread: Flaming balls of shit!

  1. #1
    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Default Flaming balls of shit!

    I ran across this post at b3ta and wanted to share.


    Flaming balls of shit!

    I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I get together, we're positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shortly after he was blessed with his first child. Sit back and enjoy.

    So my mate lives on a fairly remote farm. Not served by regular trash pickup, he is quite canny with his rubbish. Once their little crotchfruit came along, however, he and the missus quickly (within three days) tired of terry-towelling nappies, and bought disposables. All was fine for four months. To deal with the disposables, he simply tossed them into a 55-gallon oil drum outside the house.

    Well, the inevitable happened and one day, the drum was full. This happily coincided with a hot autumn day, a visit from yours truly, and less happily, after quite a lot of beer had been drunk. What to do, what to do?

    Burying? Nope - not biodegradable. Can't take it to the tip, we're all too pissed. No more drums, so can't start another load. I know; let's burn it! It's, after all, a metal oil drum. That'll work great! Ah, but the drum is full - to the very brim - with sh*tty nappies.

    So Dumb and Dumber dug out a drill and cut a hole about a foot from the bottom of the drum. We then dribbled, over the course of the next two hours, five (FIVE!) gallons of petrol into the top of the barrel.

    Then - and we both thought we were SO very clever - we used some detonation cord, and ran it through the hole in the bottom of the drum to light the petrol from the base of the fire.

    Now - picture this in slow motion - the following things happened. The det cord lit. The burning ACME-like spark travelled prettily along the cord. It vanished into the freshly cut hole in the drum. There was a rumbling sound. That was the oh-no-second. We turned around and began to run. Behind us there was a sort of squishBOOM sound as the tragically explosive mixture of petrol and festering, rancid nappies exploded.

    So here's what happened next. It turns out that (who knew?) 55-gallon oil drums are stronger than nappies, especially when the top of the drum is missing. When you ignite a tightly packed drum full of nappies from the bottom, you have created a superb nappy cannon. As we found out. After the squishBOOM, there was a louder FLOOOOOOM sound. I looked over my shoulder to see a huge tongue of fire leaping out of the drum, and balls of fire above that.

    The balls of fire turned out to be flaming, shit filled nappies - which flew about 300 feet into the air and then started raining down on the house, the cars, the tractor, us and everything else. We also found out that stamping on them to put them out isn't nice.

    The smell was truly incredible. Some of those nappies had been festering throughout a British summer, at the bottom of the nappy cannon. The sound of the molotov shittails thumping down around us, along with the smell of roasting piss, shit and rotten nappy will stay with me forever.

    The final crowning glory was when his wife came out of the farmhouse, looked around at the still-unfolding carnage, muttered "fucking hell" and went back inside - not knowing that at least 30 flaming balls of shite were setting fire to the roof above her head.

    We eventually got the fires put out, with not too much damage to property, but I was banned for a LONG time.
    (lustfish, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 0:56, closed)

    b3ta.com qotw
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  2. #2
    Elite Member Brookie's Avatar
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    For about five seconds, I thought this was going to be a follow-up to the story about the guy who sat on the exploding office chair......

  3. #3
    Elite Member Mariesoleil's Avatar
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    The balls of fire turned out to be flaming, shit filled nappies - which flew about 300 feet into the air and then started raining down on the house, the cars, the tractor, us and everything else. We also found out that stamping on them to put them out isn't nice.



    Quote Originally Posted by Brookie View Post
    For about five seconds, I thought this was going to be a follow-up to the story about the guy who sat on the exploding office chair......
    "Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers."

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    Elite Member Kittylady's Avatar
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    This made me laugh so hard when I read it, especially as it sounds like just the kind of thing one of my best mates would do. He's a very bad influence and how he's stayed in one piece is anyones guess. Still, I guess when he finally does manage to blow himself up I'll have all the great drunken memories to fall back on, like the time I set his feet on fire...

  5. #5
    Silver Member venue_26's Avatar
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    Good God, I spent almost an hour on that site, reading that guy's other stories and laughing my ass off.

    He wrote a hilarious one about blowing up his school! If I can find it again, I'll post it.

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