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Thread: Best complaint letter ever

  1. #1
    Silver Member micashell's Avatar
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    May 2007

    Default Best complaint letter ever

    This is a letter recently received by the Virgin Atlantic customer complaints team and is currently being hailed on news blogs, such as this one on The Telegraph as possibly the funniest customer complaint letter ever.
    We called the Virgin Atlantic press office and they confirmed they received the letter and that Richard Branson himself called the author to thank him for the feedback.
    Here's the letter.
    Dear Mr Branson
    REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008
    I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.
    Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.
    Look at this Richard. Just look at it:

    I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?
    You don't get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it's next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That's got to be the clue hasn't it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:
    I know it looks like a baaji but it's in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.
    Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.
    I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.
    Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:
    Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It's mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.
    Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.
    By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it's baffling presentation:
    It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn't want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.
    I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.
    Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:
    I apologise for the quality of the photo, it's just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson's face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:
    Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.
    My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:
    Yes! It's another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.
    Richard.... What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I'd done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.
    So that was that Richard. I didn't eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can't imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.
    As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It's just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it's knees and begging for sustenance.
    Yours Sincererly...

    Editor's Corner - Yahoo! News UK
    "In an underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a developed country don't breathe the air." - Jonathan Raban.

  2. #2
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Apr 2006


    Ok, I love that letter.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    twitchy molests my signature!

  3. #3
    Elite Member Sweetie's Avatar
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    Apr 2007
    Den of the roving cunty bitches


    He should have addressed him as Dick instead.

  4. #4
    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    Feb 2007


    Poor Richard. Off to Iron Chef,Richard. Try to find a better menu,Richard.
    I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West

  5. #5
    Gold Member honeysuckle's Avatar
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    Jan 2007
    in my world they know me here


    Sweetie: He should have addressed him as Dick instead.

    Last edited by honeysuckle; January 27th, 2009 at 04:14 PM.

  6. #6
    Elite Member Karistiona's Avatar
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    Oct 2005


    Haha if this is for real it's hysterical. WTF is up with Virgin's food!

    I remember I flew with American Airlines and they only had vegitarian left for me. I ended up with spinach pizza, approximately an hour before we landed. Leaving me one hour to pick one tonne of spinach out of my teeth before i saw my boyfriend for the first time in 6 months. eek!
    I smile because I have no idea what's going on

  7. #7
    Elite Member ManxMouse's Avatar
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    Jan 2007


    My worst food experience on a plane was flying back from Prague to the U.S. on Czech Air. I guess it was "raisin salad." Now even under the best of circumstances, this is not a winner of a dish. But THIS. I kid you not---I believe it was left over from the Cold War. It consisted of these sad, desiccated slices of carrot lying limply. They were topped with raisins that were WHITE. Yep, they had lost all their damned color. I declined.

    That combined with a vomitous, circular, skidding-sideways-through-the-air landing, for no discernible reason whatsoever in perfect weather, complete with passengers hyperventilating, grabbing barf-bags, and clapping upon landing....well, needless to say, I have very little confidence in Czech Air.
    Santa is an elitist mother fucker -- giving expensive shit to rich kids and nothing to poor kids.

  8. #8
    Elite Member Beeyotch's Avatar
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    Apr 2006


    This letter is giving me a serious case of the LOL's! I love how he keeps addressing him as Richard through the whole letter! And the crime scene cookies!

    But seriously, all airline food sucks the big one. I, for one, was quite relieved when cutbacks forced them to stop serving those abominations they called meals. I'd rather buy an overpriced sandwich in the airport, or bring my own pb&j.

  9. #9
    Elite Member Rondette's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Between uncertainty and acceptance


    Yep, the repetition of 'Richard' just makes it funnier than it has any right to be.

    Great complaint letter.

  10. #10
    Elite Member Mariesoleil's Avatar
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    May 2006
    Canada baby!


    "Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers."

  11. #11
    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Burning Down Your Windmill


    OMG, I think I cracked a rib laughing.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  12. #12
    Elite Member yoyoma's Avatar
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    Oct 2005


    He did a fantastic job if this is actually true...
    I tried with Virgin once and will NEVER repeat the experience...
    I called for a glass of water right after we were in the air and i
    didn't get my water until 4 hours after i called even though i kept
    reminding them of my request...
    The special treatment they give the 1st and business class compared
    to economy is ridiculous...

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