This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells "Help! Please send the police to my house right away. There's a d*mn NDP' er on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a d* mn NDPer on my front porch playing with himself, he's weird. I don't know him, and I'm afraid! Please send the police," the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a NDPer?" asked the operator.
"Because, you darn fool, if he was a Liberal, he'd be screwing somebody!"
Five Caribbean Surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first a Cuban surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second a Jamaican responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third a Barbadian surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are thebest; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth a Trinidadian surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like constructionworkers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth a Guyanese surgeon shut them all up when he observed:"You' re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the assare interchangeable.
While vacationing on a ranch, Paul Martin gets thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bitten and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and St. Peter at the Pearly Gates meets him.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Martin.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," replied Martin.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 20 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse.
Standing in front of it is his Dad, and thousands of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years---Pierre Trudeau, Jean Marchand, Pelletier, St Laurent etc. The whole of the "Left" was there, everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Martin with a frosty drink. "Have a Margarita and relax, Paul!
"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Martin, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Martin takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the GST and Free Trade promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Martin steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St.Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Martin is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Martin reflects for a minute, then answers.
"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste, kind of like Sudbury. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Martin and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Martin. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank booze. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
A mother and her young son were flying WestJet from Halifax to Calgary. The son turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother,who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to things she was not prepared to discuss with her young son, told him to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby Planes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you.
Paul Martin and a CSIS agent are taking a stroll when they come upon little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Martin asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"
She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him. "How nice," says Martin. "What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Liberals." Martin smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on. T
hree weeks later, Martin is taking another stroll, this time with Jack Layton. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Martin says, "Watch this, Jack; it's really cute."
They approach the little girl. He greets the little girl and says "how are the kittens doing, and she says, "Fine."
Then, smirking, he nudges Layton with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"
She replies, "Conservatives."
Abashed, Martin says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Liberals!"
"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."