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Thread: Chili Tasting Competition.

  1. #1
    Elite Member loulou58's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    In a room full of JBF's

    Default Chili Tasting Competition.

    I just got emailed this, its a long one but it made me giggle.

    These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster
    >named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Oregon...
    >"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th
    >attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to
    >fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
    >Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the
    >last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came
    >in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it
    >would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They
    >assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides,
    >they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
    >Here are the scorecards from the event."
    >Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    >JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    >JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    >FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
    >could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two
    >beers to put the flames out. Hope that's
    >the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    >Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    >JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    >JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    >FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
    >sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
    >to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
    >Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3
    >extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
    >Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    >JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
    >Needs more beans.
    >JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
    >red peppers.
    >FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
    >nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
    >knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the
    >back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
    >chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
    >Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
    >JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
    >JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
    >dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
    >FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    >taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was
    >standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb
    >bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
    >nuclear-waste I'm eating.
    >Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    >JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
    >freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
    >JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more
    >tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
    >FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
    >farted and four people behind me burst into
    >flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    >chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
    >by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me
    >off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
    >Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    >JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
    >Good balance of spice and peppers.
    >JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and
    >garlic. Superb.
    >FRANK: My intestine’s are now a straight pipe filled
    >with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined
    >to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to
    >wipe my ass with a snow cone!
    >Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    >JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
    >canned peppers.
    >JUDGE TWO: “Ho hum”, tastes as if the chef literally
    >threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
    >should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be
    >in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    >FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I
    >wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
    >sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made
    >of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
    >which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
    >full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
    >least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
    >I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful.
    >Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
    >just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my
    >Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
    >JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend
    >chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
    >declare its existence.
    >JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
    >nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
    >passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not
    >sure if he's
    >going to make it. Poor guy, wonder how he'd react to
    >really hot chili.
    >FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
    >unable to report)

  2. #2
    Super Moderator NoDayButToday's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005

    Default Re: Chilli Tasting Competition.

    I love this, I've read it before.

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