From The New Yorker
MY DOG IS TOM CRUISE
by NOAH BAUMBACH
Issue of 2005-07-25
I have to tell you, things are good. I am . . . I am . . . Whooo! . . . I am very good. I just returned from a walk and . . . ha! Things. Are. Good. I’ve got a bowl of hard kibble with some soft stuff mixed in. My name’s on the bowl! I am passionate about this lamb-and-rice recipe. What’s been going on? haha! I’m so in love with this b*itch hahaha! I can’t . . . I’m so . . . I can’t restrain myself. hahahahahaha! We met at the park. She was in the run for little dogs . . . ’cause she’s, well . . . ha! She’s petite. And I was over in the big run and . . . I am in love. I can’t be cool. This b*itch is . . . I have total respect for her. Yesterday on my five o’clock, I just sniffed her as*s for a while and then we frolicked. I can’t even describe it . . . we chased squirrels . . . frisked, you know . . . she likes to be physical, too . . . and to fetch and . . . We’re like anyone. We tore into this shoe and just had a ball. I’ll see her tomorrow on my 8 a.m. I am happy. I am . . . hahahahahaha! She is a wonderful, wonderful animal. I can’t . . . words don’t . . . owooooo! I can’t sit or stay, man. I need to get up on my hind legs and holler, you know! I gotta pee on something. And I don’t care what the other animals do or what their masters say. Listen, there are always gonna be pit bulls. There are always gonna be Dobermans. And cynical little pugs. And you know what? I’ve never cared what others think about me. I’ve always been this way. I’m living my life. And I am fortunate. And I am excited. I am fortunate and excited.
Do you know the history of crate training? ’Cause I do. Don’t talk about things you don’t understand. Like saying dogs are wild. Dogs are wild—that is glib. Dogs are . . . I’ve done the research; there are crates that they put us in to quote unquote train us. They throw rattlesnakes at us. Electric-shock tags! I’m not making this up. This is . . . it’s history. Crate training just masks the problem. These dogs, they become zombies. You can totally handle disobedience naturally by saying “No!” and “Bad dog!” It works. Look at the facts. Shock tags?! I am disgusted.
hahaha! I fetch! Boy, I love to fetch. I am totally fired up when I fetch. And nap. I’ve got a great dog bed with leopard spots where I can power-nap, man. I’ve got awesome chew toys, too. I’m passionate about this rubber T-bone with peanut butter hidden in it. Here’s the point: do you know there are strays on the street eating out of the Dumpsters behind Chinese restaurants? I’m not making that up. I care about those mutts. But they don’t know what the options are. They don’t know that you can live in an apartment and get fed by a human. These hounds, man—when it thunders, they think the world is ending. Because they haven’t done the research. Do you know the statistics? A hundred and fifty dogs are being fixed every ten minutes. A hundred and fifty. Every ten minutes. I can’t . . . that’s just wrong. And I speak out about it.
There’s this yellow Lab, Clover, who I see in the dog run. And this is a totally great purebred. He’s a . . . ha! He’s . . . he’s a great guy. I’ve got enormous respect for him. But he’s overweight. You know why? ’Cause they’re feeding him scraps from the table. And he can’t fetch or chase without getting winded. That is sad. I care about him, and I care about the apricot poodle with the plaid socks on his feet, and I care about the basenji with the drooling issues. I want to hear good news. I like to see a Rottweiler get a bath or a shepherd savor a Milk-Bone. That makes me happy.
What these beggars don’t understand is that if you hover around the dinner table long enough and you’re observant food will come. Food’s gonna come naturally, man. They’re gonna drop stuff and you can—hahahahaha! But, seriously, begging is a huge issue among our species. I did the research. And I speak out. I speak out about misinformation. Do you know people think that one dog year is seven human years? That is false. Total fabrication. It’s approximate. Flea and tick collars? There are vitamins for that. And your master can totally put that capsule in a slab of butter and you’ll never know you ate it.
owooowowowooo!!! This bit*ch she’s kind, she’s caring, she’s a wonderful, wonderful dog. It’s like . . . wow. And I don’t want to compare, but I’ve never felt this way before. We might have a litter. One thing at a time. It’s joy, man. That’s what it is. Look at my tail! I’m panting 24/7. hahahaha! I purr, even. Like a cat, man. The cat looks at me and he’s, like, “What did they put in your kibble?” haha! I don’t care. I’ve never cared what that cat thinks. But I care about him even though he’s a cynic. I care about the glib parakeet and those jerks the gerbils, but I’m not sure those are the same gerbils as before. hahaha! Those gerbils! We have fun. I bark, they run on the wheel. What’s that? The leash jingling! Is it eight already? Walk?! owooohahahahahaharuffruffruffha!!! I love living my life!
My dog is 
BRILLIANT!!
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