From The New Yorker
MY DOG IS TOM CRUISE
by NOAH BAUMBACH
Issue of 2005-07-25
I have to tell you, things are good. I am . . . I am . . . Whooo! . . . I am very good. I just returned from a walk and . . . ha! Things. Are. Good. Iíve got a bowl of hard kibble with some soft stuff mixed in. My nameís on the bowl! I am passionate about this lamb-and-rice recipe. Whatís been going on? haha! Iím so in love with this b*itch hahaha! I canít . . . Iím so . . . I canít restrain myself. hahahahahaha! We met at the park. She was in the run for little dogs . . . ícause sheís, well . . . ha! Sheís petite. And I was over in the big run and . . . I am in love. I canít be cool. This b*itch is . . . I have total respect for her. Yesterday on my five oíclock, I just sniffed her as*s for a while and then we frolicked. I canít even describe it . . . we chased squirrels . . . frisked, you know . . . she likes to be physical, too . . . and to fetch and . . . Weíre like anyone. We tore into this shoe and just had a ball. Iíll see her tomorrow on my 8 a.m. I am happy. I am . . . hahahahahaha! She is a wonderful, wonderful animal. I canít . . . words donít . . . owooooo! I canít sit or stay, man. I need to get up on my hind legs and holler, you know! I gotta pee on something. And I donít care what the other animals do or what their masters say. Listen, there are always gonna be pit bulls. There are always gonna be Dobermans. And cynical little pugs. And you know what? Iíve never cared what others think about me. Iíve always been this way. Iím living my life. And I am fortunate. And I am excited. I am fortunate and excited.
Do you know the history of crate training? íCause I do. Donít talk about things you donít understand. Like saying dogs are wild. Dogs are wildóthat is glib. Dogs are . . . Iíve done the research; there are crates that they put us in to quote unquote train us. They throw rattlesnakes at us. Electric-shock tags! Iím not making this up. This is . . . itís history. Crate training just masks the problem. These dogs, they become zombies. You can totally handle disobedience naturally by saying ďNo!Ē and ďBad dog!Ē It works. Look at the facts. Shock tags?! I am disgusted.
hahaha! I fetch! Boy, I love to fetch. I am totally fired up when I fetch. And nap. Iíve got a great dog bed with leopard spots where I can power-nap, man. Iíve got awesome chew toys, too. Iím passionate about this rubber T-bone with peanut butter hidden in it. Hereís the point: do you know there are strays on the street eating out of the Dumpsters behind Chinese restaurants? Iím not making that up. I care about those mutts. But they donít know what the options are. They donít know that you can live in an apartment and get fed by a human. These hounds, manówhen it thunders, they think the world is ending. Because they havenít done the research. Do you know the statistics? A hundred and fifty dogs are being fixed every ten minutes. A hundred and fifty. Every ten minutes. I canít . . . thatís just wrong. And I speak out about it.
Thereís this yellow Lab, Clover, who I see in the dog run. And this is a totally great purebred. Heís a . . . ha! Heís . . . heís a great guy. Iíve got enormous respect for him. But heís overweight. You know why? íCause theyíre feeding him scraps from the table. And he canít fetch or chase without getting winded. That is sad. I care about him, and I care about the apricot poodle with the plaid socks on his feet, and I care about the basenji with the drooling issues. I want to hear good news. I like to see a Rottweiler get a bath or a shepherd savor a Milk-Bone. That makes me happy.
What these beggars donít understand is that if you hover around the dinner table long enough and youíre observant food will come. Foodís gonna come naturally, man. Theyíre gonna drop stuff and you canóhahahahaha! But, seriously, begging is a huge issue among our species. I did the research. And I speak out. I speak out about misinformation. Do you know people think that one dog year is seven human years? That is false. Total fabrication. Itís approximate. Flea and tick collars? There are vitamins for that. And your master can totally put that capsule in a slab of butter and youíll never know you ate it.
owooowowowooo!!! This bit*ch sheís kind, sheís caring, sheís a wonderful, wonderful dog. Itís like . . . wow. And I donít want to compare, but Iíve never felt this way before. We might have a litter. One thing at a time. Itís joy, man. Thatís what it is. Look at my tail! Iím panting 24/7. hahahaha! I purr, even. Like a cat, man. The cat looks at me and heís, like, ďWhat did they put in your kibble?Ē haha! I donít care. Iíve never cared what that cat thinks. But I care about him even though heís a cynic. I care about the glib parakeet and those jerks the gerbils, but Iím not sure those are the same gerbils as before. hahaha! Those gerbils! We have fun. I bark, they run on the wheel. Whatís that? The leash jingling! Is it eight already? Walk?! owooohahahahahaharuffruffruffha!!! I love living my life!