By Juan Arteaga
Some heroes fight for truth, justice and the American way. Some heroes fight for revenge. These guys here? These guys fight to get laid with underage girls and to make the universe a creepier place.
Here are the six comic book characters sure to create an immediate urge to shower.
Comet the Super-Horse, from the Superman comics
Creepy Because: Bestiality.
Comet is Supergirl's pet horse. At first this sounds really cute, because girls love horses. Although, there is this book we once read in the Cracked offices called The Naked Ape
that teaches us that girls like horses because riding them is the closest activity to non-threatening sex they can have. Not so cute anymore? Yeah, wait until you read how creepy it becomes with a stalker Super-Horse involved.
You see, according to the comic, Comet was once a centaur called Biron back in ancient Greece. He was turned into a full horse by a witch, though as a small consolation, he gained superpowers and kept his humongous horse penis.
Also, Comet periodically turns into a full human, at which point he does what any horse would do: Try to get laid with Supergirl before she can figure out he is really her horse.
You see, the horse is in love with the girl who, while he's in horse mode, dry humps his back as a means of transport. Comet never makes his feelings known and thus allows this arrangement to continue, much like those "nice guys" who orbit around a girl every day doing her favors, while complaining endlessly in their LiveJournals because the girl doesn't pay back their niceness with a blowjob.
That's right, Comet! The court's orders are meaningless!
And to make the whole thing even more unsettling, he is a super-horse, which zoologists tell us adds at least six inches in length and one in girth.
Ultimate Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch from The Ultimates
Creepy Because: Twincest.
is a modernized, alternate universe version of The Avengers
where they finally figure out they are not really avenging anybody or anything in particular and that the name Defenders was already taken. Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are the twin son and daughter of Magneto. Just by taking a second look at that picture up there, unless you are a relative of that banjo playing kid from Deliverance
, you can start guessing what their problem is.
Yes, both kids have decided to keep it in the family, and when we mean "it" we mean Quicksilver's penis, and when we mean "the family" we mean "his sister's vagina." In the beginning of the series, the incest was subtly implied and kept as a joke of something that happened off panel and could easily be denied, until the third series came around and we got this.
Here we have The Wasp explaining the situation to Captain America. We know Captain America grew up in the '30s so we give him some leeway when he can't figure out how to work the TiVo, but we are quite sure incest existed back then, too. Why Wasp is explaining it like it's the most normal thing to do in the 21st century, however, makes us cast a suspicious glance at the dude who wrote it.
Can it get worse? You bet it can! Two issues later it's revealed that Quicksilver likes to sex up his own sister because she reminds him of his mother. At this rate, by issue 10 we'll learn he liked his mom because she reminded him of Comet the Super-Horse.
There has to come a time in your life--possibly in the middle of porking your twin sister while Wolverine watches from the bushes--where you just have to take a step back and wonder at what point you turned into goddamn Caligula.
Starfox from The Avengers
Creepy Because: He's a mind-raping douchebag.
See that man in the picture up there who looks like he's going for a lifetime achievement award for outstanding achievements in douchebaggery? That guy is Starfox.
Starfox's real name is Eros, which easily wins hands down the "creepiest name you can give your child" competition. Unless your son is the Greek god of sexual attraction, or he is in an incredibly sexy baby, he probably can't live up to that name. So he had some measure of creepiness right out of the gate. It only got worse.
This is totally in context
Eros' superpower, besides achieving a preternatural douchebag look that is envied by Lacoste-shirt-wearing, collar-popping frat boys all over the world, is the ability to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. Yes, his name is Eros, and he gives you pleasure. That's the kind of things you only read on a male prostitute's business card.
Even with that advantage over normal humans, we here at Cracked are having a hard time figuring out how you can use that to fight crime. Cracked's research team has been investigating around the clock, offering to stimulate the pleasure centers of every suspicious character they encounter. So far they have come up with more venereal diseases than answers.
And just because somebody is bound to mention this in the comments, yes Starfox was accused of being a date rapist, but at the end he was found not guilty. Hell, why does he need to rape when he can insert himself into your pleasure centers by remote control? Rape is on a level far below Starfox's mastery of cosmic creepiness.
Inner Child (Dorothy's Doll) from Doom Patrol
Creepy Because: Holy shit, get that thing away from us!
If the DC superhero teams were islands in the Pacific, the Justice League would be the Big Island of Hawaii, with its majestic beaches and luxurious resorts, while the Doom Patrol would be one of those islands with lepers. The Doom Patrol embrace all those superheroes who are too ugly to team up with anyone else.
We don't know how something that looks like Inner Child can exist in the same planet as Superman without Superman tossing him into the sun just on general principle. Anyway, he was found by Doom Patrol member Dorothy inside a Haunted House the team was using as headquarters at the time. We guess demoniacally-possessed property is very cheap in today's market. He befriended Dorothy who, as a very hairy 16-year-old girl with the face of a chimpanzee, could use all the friends she could find.
Wait, what the fuck is going on up there? Do you people remember that scene in The Shining
where the ghost of a guy in a dog suit is giving a blow job to an old guy? Well, if Dog-suit-man ever walked into a room and found this scene, he'd go, "Hey, guys! What are you doing--SHIT! SHIT! OH MY GOD!" and then he'd run away to Amityville or some other haunted house where such things are frowned on.
Yes, it appears that two naked fat ghosts, one with a house plant tied to his face, want to "play" with Dorothy. We are not exactly sure what Dorothy would gain by following Inner Child's advice besides a sore ass and memories that will haunt her forever, but it looks like Inner Child wants to stay and watch.
Seriously, there aren't even words for all the fetishes at play here.
OK, how about we never find out what happened after that right there.
Proty from Legion of Superheroes
Creepy Because: He's a sentient spunk blob.
Proty is a small alien being that looks like something between a pile of dried-up bird crap and some form of gelatin made of semen. He was rescued by Chameleon Boy from a space zoo and quickly adopted as a pet. He carried him around everywhere on his shoulder like a parrot, except that parrots don't make you look like you have just been the star of a Japanese porn flick.
By his looks alone Proty, would normally deserve a spot in any list of creepy things, but like the rest of the characters in this list he had to make that extra effort and tapped some ass he shouldn't have tapped.
Again, like most of the guys in this list, Proty fell for blond jailbait, in his case the Legionnaire Saturn Girl (yes, all of the Legion of Superheroes had retarded names). Sadly for Proty, Saturn Girl was out of his league because of her higher status, and by that we mean that she had the status of "human being" and Proty was a talking lump of mashed potatoes.
But, one day fellow Legion member, Lighting Lad (yesh
), got himself killed while saving the universe. Through an extremely convoluted set of circumstances we cannot begin to recount here, Proty resurrected Lightning Lad by transferring his own soul into his body.
The thing is, Proty never told anybody. He just walked around pretending to be Lightning Lad. And why not? He can now eat at the table and date Saturn Girl instead of just squishily humping her leg while she slept on the couch.
Years later they even married, had three kids, and lived happily ever after. Well, not really, because she didn't really marry the man she loved and never found out she had given birth to the children of a pile of sentient bird shit who used to live in a zoo.
Terry Long from Teen Titans
Creepy Because: Look at him.
Terry Long from Teen Titans
is a cross between a member of the Bee Gees and a Dutch porn star. He is the fist of the '70s hitting you in the face forever. Why is this jackass in the comic? Easy, he became the steady boyfriend and later husband of Wonder Girl.
Wonder Girl, if you didn't know, grew up on an island full of Amazonian women where no man could visit. These are the only circumstances we can think of where a girl (and remember these are the "teen" Titans) could think this divorced ex-college professor was the man of her dreams. Most people who dream about Terry Long end up rocking in a fetal position on the floor of their bedrooms, holding a knife and downing pots of coffee in a quest to never sleep again.
Who is the greatest hero in the DC universe? Superman, you say? No, it's the anonymous blond man in the above picture who blocks the terrifying view of Terry Long's polka dotted banana hammock.
Terry Long stained every page of Teen Titans when he appeared with his downright palpable, reptilian sleaziness. When Terry wasn't trying to blend in with the Teen Titans like a creepy uninvited uncle, he was openly hitting on Wonder Girl's female teammates.
Several issues later, after Terry managed to brainwash Wonder Girl into marriage, our suspicions were proven true. A team of Teen Titans from the future went back in time to kill the son of Terry and Wonder Girl. Why? Because he was going to grow up into pure evil, that's why! If the superpowered Hitler from the future had to come from somewhere, Terry Long's haunted testicles were one of the more likely places.
Finally in 1997 Terry Long died in a car crash, leaving the universe a substantially less sleazy place.