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Thread: The 10 products only douchebags buy

  1. #1
    Elite Member FierceKiten's Avatar
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    Default The 10 products only douchebags buy

    Posted at 5:00 AM Mar 19, 2008
    By Jason Arango

    There are some things that scream out "I'm a huge douchebag!" in a way that makes you stop, take in what you've just witnessed, and then give a silent nod of confirmation that "yes, that is one giant douchebag." These are ten items so intrinsically douchey they could take even the most dignified gentleman and make him look like a raging jackass.

    10) Axe Body Spray

    Perhaps the douchiest of all the body sprays, Axe's scent alone wouldn't be enough to push it into the top 10, but coupled with a marketing campaign specifically tailored to douche bags, it squeezes its way in. Spray this on your body and women will drop what they're doing and flock to you. Watch the commercial and buy this product, and intelligent people will assume you're an a-hole.

    9) Spray on Tan

    If you're a white male you just have to accept the fact that you're going to be pasty white for about eight months of the year and alternate between sunburned and tan for the other four. But, assuming you refuse to bend to god's will, you can always spray your tan on like it's time to cheer Syracuse to a national title. Once you start looking like C Thomas Howell in Soul Man it's pretty much a bronze beacon to the rest of the world that you are one steaming pile of douche.

    8) Watches with an Enormous Face

    If you're going to wear a watch, there's a simple bell-curve of functionality versus size that needs to be adhered to. After a certain point your watch becomes so large it ceases to be merely a functional time telling device and transforms into a giant gaudy douchometer that's constantly pinging "hot." Unless you're Dick Tracy or Randy Jackson, you probably just look like a little kid that stole his dad's watch in a desperate attempt to impress all his friends.

    7) Puka Shell Necklaces

    Although only the first link in the popped collar/white hat trifecta, the puka shell necklace is still a strong stand alone sign of douchiness. Unless you're a Hawaii native there's really no way to justify adding this little piece of island flair to your classy khaki and pink polo shirt ensemble.

    6) Calvin Peeing on Anything

    This co-opted image from the beloved comic strip offers a creative way to voice an opinion on issues ranging from brand superiority all the way to environmental consciousness. Unfortunately, just because Calvin is peeing on global warming doesn't mean it'll magically reduce the emissions on your beat up Jeep Cherokee.

    5) Barbed Wire Tattoos

    Maybe there was a time when a barbed wire tattoo really meant something; a golden era of manliness where getting one was an initiation into a tough-guy society and everyone sat around talking about chest hair, motor oil, and mixed martial arts. Sadly, if there ever was a time like that, it's long passed, and now a barbed wire tattoo is nothing more than a razor sharp reminder to the rest of the world that you are a douche bag.

    4) A Set of Balls for Your Truck

    The trailer hitch doppelganger of a pissing Calvin sticker, "Your Nutz" are the ideal vehicle accessory for any guy who decides a V8 Hemi is still a little too subtle. Giving your truck its own set of balls makes a bold statement about the type of life you lead. It says "I'm not afraid to let it all hang out." It says "I've got stones" and "Convention be damned, I do what I want." But most importantly, it tells everyone else on the road to watch out for the asshole in the pickup that spent twenty-five bucks on a fake pair of balls.

    3) Female Body Inspector T-Shirts

    It's an acronym for guys who are only vaguely aware of what an acronym is. Although one of the douchier t-shirts around, you could really expand the FBI shirt to encompass any "I'm on spring break" type slogan, including "one tequila, two tequila, three tequila...floor" and all paraphernalia with the shocker on it.

    2) Bluetooth Headsets

    While the technology is useful, the application pretty much consists of causing public disruptions and walking around leaving a verbal fart trail of self-importance in your wake. The one caveat to this might be the surprisingly large percentage of Bluetooth users that look like they're dirt poor and yet are sporting a shiny new headset to field the incoming calls on their cellphone that's been "temporarily disconnected." Either way though, the only distinction would be giant uppercase yuppie Douche Bag or broke-ass lowercase d-bag.

    1) I Heart My Penis Merchandise

    There are some things that should be accepted as basic fact, and one of them is that most guys love their penis. That being said, there's really no reason to go out of your way to advertise this to the rest of the world. Unless you're the type of guy that's tired of waiting two whole seconds for people to decipher the double entendre on your Big Johnson t-shirt, you might want to just keep quiet about your affinity for your own genitalia. Pins, magnets, and even air-fresheners sharing your founding member status in a fan club of one is only tipping people off that they're dealing with a Grade-A douche bag.
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    Elite Member msdeb's Avatar
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    hey there's nothing wrong with Axe. hub wears it and i like it.
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    Elite Member Sweetie's Avatar
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    God, how I hate those shell necklaces.

  4. #4
    Elite Member Honey's Avatar
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    Female Body Inspector T-Shirts

    Oh yes I agree! Very naff!

    Hate those shell necklaces

  5. #5
    Elite Member WhateverLolaWants's Avatar
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    People wear shell necklaces outside of hawaain tourist attractions?

    And a friend of mine wears axe...it smells good on him. I do agree the ad campaign is pretty douchey, though
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    Elite Member Chalet's Avatar
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    I'm guilty with the large watch face. I like big watches on women.

    The bluetooth earphone makes me think of brain cancer.

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    Elite Member Rondette's Avatar
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    I hate the Calvin-pissing stickers.

    Here in the UK they use them for nasty football stickers, like Calvin is wearing a Manchester United shirt and pissing on a Man. City shirt.

    I think they're hateful, especially when you consider Calvin and Hobbes was such a good, funny comic and the creator was so stringent about merchandising!


    Something I would add to the list is Argos style Sovereign rings;


    I cannot bear them and I think only Chavs wear them!

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    Elite Member Dixie Normos's Avatar
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    I'd like to add square toed dress shoes for men, esp in white.

    My friend Corey wears a mix of Axe and Addidas, Move (I think) it smells WONDERFUL. Until I got to know him, I called him "Melissa's friend that smells so good."

    I also like the shell necklaces, I have a thing for surfers and even surfer wannabes.
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    Elite Member TonjaLasagna's Avatar
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    males should wear their clean sweat, that's it!
    "the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone"

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    Elite Member Laurent's Avatar
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    This, to me, is the pinnacle of douchiness.

    I'm also enjoying the faux bullet hole stickers along the tailgate.
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    Elite Member msdeb's Avatar
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    i remember the shell necklaces from high school, puka shells. only surfers (and the broads that followed them around) wore them.
    Basic rule of Gossip Rocks: Don't be a dick.Tati
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  12. #12
    Elite Member Chalet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dixie Normos View Post
    I'd like to add square toed dress shoes for men, esp in white.

    My friend Corey wears a mix of Axe and Addidas, Move (I think) it smells WONDERFUL. Until I got to know him, I called him "Melissa's friend that smells so good."

    I also like the shell necklaces, I have a thing for surfers and even surfer wannabes.



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    Elite Member sparkly's Avatar
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    My brother started wearing Axe at 15 or so, and I don't see anything wrong with it, but I can't stand the ads for it. I agree with all the other stuff, and want to add one more thing: Men who wear disco shirts with 5 lbs. of gold chains around their neck that makes their wiry chest hair get snagged. The 70's are over, Pal!!
    Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

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    Elite Member southernbelle's Avatar
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    I don't like Axe. I think the smell is so strong it's almost pungent. It repels me.

    I think spray on tans are ok. I get them and I wouldn't have a problem with a man getting one. It's better than cooking your skin in a tanning bed or outside.

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    Elite Member KrisNine's Avatar
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    I'm guilty of the watch thing, too. Also, I've had a Mystic Tan once.

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