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Thread: Holiday Eating Tips - funny

  1. #1
    Elite Member SammysMom's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Holiday Eating Tips - funny

    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
    buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
    carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
    balls.

    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
    for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
    skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
    buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
    to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is
    to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
    New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
    This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
    buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
    eggnog.

    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
    table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
    position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can
    before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair
    of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
    again.

    8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
    each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
    Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
    Labor Day?

    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
    the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
    have some standards.

    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
    the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
    Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

    ** Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey
    to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
    well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one
    hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out
    and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
    Have a great holiday season!

  2. #2
    Elite Member Algernon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Holiday Eating Tips - funny

    hehehehe I like #7. Find something great at the buffet table and don't budge. That would be me by the cheese dip and crackers.
    Value the future on a timescale longer than your own. -Richard Dawkins

  3. #3
    Elite Member NawdleZouss's Avatar
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    Default Re: Holiday Eating Tips - funny

    Quote Originally Posted by SammysMom
    ** Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey
    to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
    well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one
    hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out
    and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
    Have a great holiday season!
    GOD YES. I'm going to die anyways, I'd rather live enjoying my chocolate and bourbon, thank you very much.


    Well...not the bourbon anymore.
    2 years...

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