I want every single one of these.
John Travolta in Battlefield Earth. I take it back; I don't want every single one of these.
Another Battlefield Earth. This time it's "Jonnie" in the Brainwa-- um, Learning -- Chair, forced to listen to L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics on tape over and over again until he agrees to give all his money to the Church of Scientology.
The copy on the back reads, "Yo Vanilla! This boy is one bad rapper" (they got that right). "His hot songs and cool moves are the freshest news on the street. Check out his awesome concert wardrobe and the totally radical stripe in his hair. Pose him in a hundred dance actions. This dude can move!" So cold.
William Hootkins as Jek Porkins, the fat Rebel in Star Wars. It's bad enough that they named the fat guy "porkins," but in the movie credits, he's listed as "Morbidly Obese X-Wing Pilot." Now imagine poor Bill Hootkins taking his family to the big red-carpet premiere of Star Wars. "Ok, kids, watch the credits for Daddy's name!" "Daddy, what does 'morbidly obese' mean?"
Dennis Rodman on his wedding day.
John Travolta, Superstar. Not John Travolta in Grease. Not John in "Welcome Back, Kotter." Not even John Travola in The Boy In The Plastic Bubble. Just John Travolta, generic "on stage superstar." Ok. Too bad the doll looks more like his sister, Ellen.
Snoop Dog with Kung-Fu Doob-Grip Action (TM), so he won't drop his blunt. Looks like they put him in a Vanilla Ice doll outfit by mistake.
"Steven Seagal is NICO TOSCANI." Whoever the F that is. I actually own this one. I turned the gun around in his hands.
Kojak. Ok, the show was a hit and all, and I watched it, but I wouldn't have been caught dead playing with this thing. For starters, it looks more like Daddy Warbucks than Kojak. And that pinstripe suit? Nuh uh. Kojak wasn't a pimp, and he would kick your ass for even suggesting he wear a suit like that.
Rosie, "friend of Barbie." Run, Barbie, run! Comes with Rosie's signature red polyester pants suit, but she can also wear Ken's clothes. Why did they make this? There was already a Rosie action figure.
Gay Bob. Rosie's friend.
Kevin Costner as Robin Hood or Little Red Riding Hood.. hard to say. The real "prince of thieves" is the store owner who asks for $4.99 for this turd.
Kevin Costner in Waterworld. If you buy his Robin Hood figure, they'll throw in 20 of these for free.
William "The Fridge" Perry, who in real life is three times as wide as this figure. Why he comes with a mace, I don't know. And what's with the lace-up jockstrap?
And it talks. Perfect.
David Hasselhoff's "Baywatch Poseable Fashion Doll." Pray it doesn't sing.
Looks like they messed up and accidentally put an Al Jolson figure on a Calibos card.
I'd like to take this one, Rosie and Nixon, and put them all in a blender.
Featuring "five points of articulation," which is a lot more articulation than the real Cletus ever had. Please note also that the name Cletus is trademarked, so please don't use it for your child, dog or truck without permission.
They sure have changed since "Mmm Bop."
Nothing says action like... Jeff Goldblum!
... or Wayne Knight!
... or Roy Scheider!!
I saw this movie. It wasn't as awful as you heard. It was ten times as awful as you heard. This is Nicky sleeping on the radiator. Because he's Satan's son. Get it?
Humungus from The Road Warrior. Weekend friend of Gay Bob.
Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambuca. Aren't there two or three other dudes in Bon Jovi? I bet they get tired of no one giving a shit who they are.
And now, several great selections from the Rocky collection. Someone had his thinking cap on for these.
Lumberjack Rocky from Rocky IV. Remember? When he went to Russia and trained in the snow, pulling logs on a chain with his teeth? What the hell was that? They don't have gyms in Russia?
Paulie. PAULIE?! Apparently it was necessary to make a figure of every single character in every single Rocky movie. I wonder how many kids got their asses kicked trying to trade Paulie for Clubber Lang.
Ring announcer Michael Buffer. Naturally. Because he was so integral to the movies.
The Rocky statue. That's right, a statue. Wait, aren't these called "action" figures? Last time I checked, statues don't do a whole lot. More like an "inaction figure." They should at least include a pigeon that craps on the statue's head if you press a button.
Last but not least.. THE MEAT. Yes, the side of beef that Rocky uses to train. Brilliant. A SIDE OF BEEF action figure. And a bloody butcher's smock. I wonder if they made a figure for the trash can that Rocky warms his hands over? Or the spit bucket? Or the knife Mickey uses to cut Rocky's swollen eye?
Updated: LOTD fan Vaniqua nominates her M.C. Hammer to the collection of scary action figures. Good choice, V! I have one too, but yours is much cooler.
Blong adds his two favorite douchebags action figures -- Dubya and Ann -- who say, "Mission accomplished, carymc!"
List Of The Day: Best Action Figures Ever