I just came across Overheard in New York | The Voice of the City which is a site where people submit quotes that they overheard in New York. I thought these were hilarious...
The Legacy of the Sixties
Two men pass each other on the street.
Middle-aged man #1: Hey!
Middle-aged man #2: I didn't recognize you with clothing on.
--62nd & Broadway
It's Like Somebody Moved the Things I Think With
Girl #1: Lately, I just haven't felt like going out. I've turned into such a...What's the word? A homophobe.
Girl #2: What? Don't you mean a homophiliac?
Girl #1: Yes! That's what I meant! God, why can't I think straight today?
--Forever 21, W 34th St
In Fact He Has to Black Eyed Pee
Little boy: How come every time you come around, my London, London Bridge...
Father: I told you, I don't like that song. Stop singing it.
Little boy: ...wanna go down, like London, London, London...
Father: If you don't stop singing it, I'll kill you.
Little boy: ...wanna go down, like London, London, London...
Father: That's it, I killed you. You're dead. No one can see you now.
Little boy: I can't be dead. I have to pee.
--Uptown 2 train
A Misunderstanding Regarding Whether Her Man Should Continue Breathing
Woman: This is the second time I been to New York, though, 'cause last time my girl was like, "Do you like the nightlife?" and I said, "Yeah," and she was like, "Then you gotta get to the city, bitch," and I got arrested for smoking a blunt on someone's brownstone.
Man: That's terrible.
Woman: Oh no, I mean, it was like the second time I got arrested, you know, so it was like no big deal.
Man: What happened the first time?
Girl: Oh, that was just a misunderstanding. I was like 14, and I was wit' ma man, and we was having words--like, we was having a disagreement--and I stabbed him, is all. It was just a misunderstanding.
He Paid Cash
Queer #1: Oh, jeez, I hooked up with that guy. Don't look.
Queer #2: Who, the guy who just walked on? Call him over. What's his name?
Queer #1: What am I, psychic?
--N train, Ditmars Blvd
A Mirror? No, I Don't Own One. Why?
Girl: I hate southern people.
Friend: How can you hate all southern people?
Girl: I just do. Some people hate black people, some people hate Jewish people, I hate Southern people.
Girl: They're so prejudiced.
Even Worse, it Was on His Mom's Side
College kid #1: God, that girl over there's hot!
College kid #2: Dude, you need to stop being so obsessed with chicks with tattoos. I fucked a girl with a tattoo, and it was pretty unpleasant.
College kid #1: That's because she was 48 years old and a grandmother...[To entire train] Did everyone hear that? A grandmother!
The Need for Anti-Meme Drugs Becomes Ever More Pressing
Ghetto girl: Man, I can't believe he did this! I mean, we was in this relationship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin' to dump me! He was all, "Yeah, we're over." I was like, "What you talkin' about?" Then he was all, "I'm taking you off my Top 8."
Passerby: He took you off his Top 8? Oh, hell, no.
--Baryshnikov Arts Center
But Now That You Mention It...
Girl: I really wish we had stayed. I totally would have waited in the rain and gotten wet for Beyoncé.
Guy: I didn't know you were into chicks.
Girl: Wet from the rain, you jackass.
Positive Spin: This Girl Will Never Be Bored
Teen girl #1: Last night I thought the lights were flicking on and off in my room.
Teen girl #2: Was there something wrong with the electricity?
Teen girl #1: No, I realized it was just me opening and closing my eyes.
--12th & 6th
The Terms of His Parole Require All the Residents of Manhattan to Hit Him
Hispanic thug #1: You have to hit a kid to teach him respect.
Hispanic thug #2: That doesn't work
Hispanic thug #1: Sure it does, remember when I stole that stuff when I was younger and dad hit me? That taught me the respect that I needed not to steal
Hispanic thug #2: You still steal.
Hispanic thug #1: Yeah, but not from my family.
The Gorgon Sisters Tour Manhattan
Old tourist lady #1: Nobody looks at you here. Nobody looks into your eyes.
Old tourist lady #2: They probably would if we were better looking.
And Start Smelling Me, So I Don't Have to Shower Later
Woman: You shouldn't smell all of those. It's not nice to the people that will buy them. Besides, you're not even buying one.
Girl: What makes you think I'm not buying one?
Woman: It's just not nice for you to smell them, is all I'm saying.
Girl: What, I'm going to use up all the smell? Just stop talking to me.
--Candle section, Kmart, Penn Station
Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.
--Uptown A train
He Eats Some of Them While They're Still Alive
PETA activist: Excuse me, do you love animals?
Smart-Ass: Yes...They're delicious.
PETA activist: Murderer!!
The Baby Never Has Anything Intelligent to Say, So We Know You're the Mother
Woman #1: I know he be my baby's daddy.
Woman #2: Yeah? How?
Woman #1: They be lookin' the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain't got no teeth eitha'.
--6 train, Brooklyn Bridge
Best to Just Smile and Nod
Paris Hilton: No, no, I didn't go to England; I went to London.
Not So Cute Anymore, Is He, Ladies?
Jake Gyllenhaal: Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.
Where Have You Been?
Drunk, to queer: Fag!
Queer: ... Dad?
--14th & 8th
I'm So Proud!
Drunk woman in long fur coat: Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me! I gotta pee!
Tourist: Yeah, we've been waiting for a while. [Nods in direction of unattended mop soaking in bucket, and laughs] I mean, you could always use that thing, I guess.
Drunk woman: Okay, alright -- just tell me if anyone is coming! [Hikes up coat and begins to pee in bucket.]
Tourist: Jesus Christ! I've been here one day, and I'm responsible for encouraging public urination.
----Line for restroom, McDonald's, Times Square
And That Eliminates the Need for a Dark Corner?
Boyfriend, under his breath: I really need to find a dark corner.
Girlfriend, loudly: You could just pee in my mouth!
--10th & Broadway
President: Aren't Those Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq?
Girl #1: Oh my god, that kid's head is stuck between the bars! [Entire bus crowd looks as kid pulls head out.]
Girl #2: His head wasn't stuck.
Boy: Oh my god, is that Hugh Jackman? [Entire bus crowd looks.]
--Bus outside the Met
How to Get Some Personal Space on a Crowded Train
Man: Oh, your dog is so cute. Is that a Yorkie?
Woman: Oh, yeah, it is. His name is Lucky. I've had him for a looong time.
Crazy man nearby: Lucky... I stabbed a guy named Lucky 20 years ago. Not so lucky.
I Really Hope the Word "Home" Was at the End of That
Queer #1: You did such a good job of shaving my balls!
Queer #2: You're going to have to do mine again -- they're all spiky again.
Queer #1: O-M-G -- I'll have to do it as soon as we get home so we have enough time to bang before your parents come!
I Can Never Find Waldo
Girl #1: Eh, let's get out of here. [They leave right after walking in.]
Girl #2: I hate books.
Girl #1: Yeah, me too.
--St. Mark's Book Shop
Look, That Hobo's Fertilizing It!
Girl #1: There it is.
Girl #2: Aw. I thought Madison Square Garden was supposed to be... a garden.
--34th & 7th
While Taking It Up the Ass?
Hipster guy: Yeah, like I'm gonna go see that queer Jersey Boys shit.
Hipster girl: Is there anything you would go see?
Hipster guy: No. Not some faggot-ass musical... Well, I might see Mary Poppins.
--1 train, 59th St
Fat Caribbean woman to another: Oh, girls' skirts today! My daughter -- her skirt was so short you could see what she had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
The Tongue in Your Ear Is All Part of the Experience
Professor: You should really consider going to Europe. It may be boring, but it's cheap!
Ghetto girl in back: Fuck that shit! I'd rather go to Disney!
Professor: Europe is actually less expensive to go to than Disney.
Ghetto girl: Yeah, but only if you stay in a brothel!
Ghetto boy: Don't you mean 'hostel'?
Ghetto girl: Same thing, right?
--Fordham University-Rose Hill
Dude #1: Yeah, man, all we need to find now is one more hot chick who's willing to do all that, and our porno is set!
Dude #2: For sure, man.
Guy selling umbrellas: Get your umbrellas! Two dollars! Get your umbrellas! Two dollars!
Customer: How much are they?
Hobo, singing: If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, baby won't you tell me so?
Tourist woman: You go, girl!
Hobo: Yo! I'm a guy!
Girl: I still don't understand the definition of emo.
Boy: It's more emotional than other music.
Girl: Oh, please, everything is emotional. My face? Emotional.
--27th & 3rd
PA announcement: Passengers with over-sized packages must check them at the end of the jetway.
Traveling dude #1: I have an over-sized package... But I can't check it, baby! Woo-hoo!
Traveling dude #2: You're a jackass.
Black teen #1: Word up, nigga.
Older black man: No, no, no, sister. Don't use the N-word. Please. Anything but that. Show some respect for your sisters and brothers.
Black teen #2: Fuck you, nigga! You're not my father!
Four-year-old kid, picking nose: Mom! Mom! [Kid holds out booger.]
Mom: Where the fuck did you get that? Your nose? What the fuck do I want that for?
Four-year-old kid: Ummm...
Mom: That's fucking gross! Drop that shit! [Mom grabs kid's wrist and shakes vigorously until booger is dropped.] Now, give me a chip! [Kid gives mom a chip with booger hand.]
Black guy: Excuse me, brotha, may I borrow your phone for two minutes?
Old man: Sure.
Black guy, on phone: Wassup, baby? I'm on the line for the liquor store right now... What the fuck you mean 'What line'? The line to get into the fuckin' liquor store! ... I said, the fuckin' line fo' the fuckin' liquor store! You fuckin' retarded? I said the fuckin'-- Oh, okay. [Hangs up, handing the phone back] She already got the liquor.
--Outside liquor store, Webster Ave
Middle-aged nerd, pointing to the Cyclone: I've ridden it over a hundred times, and every time the whole time I'm like this [puts both arms up over head]. It's considered, you know, the cool, fun way to ride if you can do it the whole time. Most people can't.
Girl #1: Damn... It smells like a fart.
Girl #2: Yeah, I didn't say anything 'cause I thought it might have been you... [After long pause] So, it was you, wasn't it?
Girl #1: Fuck yeah!
Girl #1: So, we have a bet -- if I have sex first, then I have to wear a shirt that she's written all over, but if she-- [looks around].
Girl #2: If she what?
Girl #1: ... I'll tell you later. I feel like people are listening, and I don't want to end up on some website.
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway
Sir, You're Bleeding
Woman in large fur coat: What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously! All you do is fucking bitch!
Man in leather coat: Oh, go to hell, Addy.
Woman: You fucking asshole. Do you need a fucking tampon? You want a tampon?! [Searches through purse, finds tampon, and flings it at him.] Here you fucking go!
Man catches passerby staring: What the fuck are you looking at?!
In My Day, You Had to Walk Two Miles Barefoot to School and a Coke Bottle Sufficed As a Dildo
Girl: There's a new sex toy -- it's really advanced... You can choose how much body fat you want, change the skin color, everything.
Guy #1: Wait, do you inflate it?
Girl: No! It's like a dead person you just fuck.
Guy #2: Wouldn't it be a lot of work for girls?
Guy #1: Dude, she can just sit there.
Guy #2: But still, she has to hop! Like, hop up and down.
Guy #1: Dude, if it's that advanced, I'm sure the cock moves.
Guy #2: Oh, true. Yeah, it probably has a boner.
--Washington Square Park
Teacher, guiding field trip: Don't you look cute today, April?! I love your dress. I wish I could wear one like it.
Kindergarten girl: Maybe if you lost some weight, you could.
Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
Daughter: Mom, I'm getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don't think I can do that on pastels.
--JCPenney bridal registry
American: Americans call the last letter in the alphabet 'zee,' but in Britain they call it 'zed.'
Swede: Oh! That's why Jay-Z is pronounced 'Jay Zee' and not 'Jay Zed'!
Little Girl: Mommy, why do people in New York always wear black?
Mommy: I don't know. Maybe they just don't like looking pretty.
--Upper East Side
Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!
--86th & Park
Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!
--3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B
Dude: I don't know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?
--27th & 7th
Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time... Yup, she was cremated.
--Lower East Side
Chick on cell: I don't know why I listened to you. It hurt. A lot. My vagina feels like it's on fire. I'm never doing that again.
-----92nd & 3rd
Girl to friend: It's like that saying, you know? 'The pot calling the kettle a slut.'
--W 63rd St
Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff...
--Columbia University classroom
Old lady to Indian girl bending to pick up and return stranger's dropped wallet: I always knew you Iraqis were a good people. I'm so sorry about the war.
Drunk girl: Oh my god! I looove Amy Winehouse! But, ugh! Poor bitch is gonna die soon!
--Vynl Restaurant, 51st & 9th
Val Kilmer, noticing a 'Now Appearing' sign: Oh! Kris-tin Bell! Not Chris-tian Bale. That makes a lot more sense.
---Big Apple Con, Penn Plaza Pavilion, 33rd & 7th
Bus driver: No phones on the bus. I don't care if you got problems with your mother, or your brother, or girlfriend got a problem with boyfriend, or boyfriend got a problem with girlfriend, or girlfriend-girlfriend, or boyfriend-boyfriend, or just you got a sad, pathetic life, because other passengers do not like to hear those things. And if you sleep, leave your shoes on -- people take their shoes off, it smells like fish market.
--Port Authority, Greyhound to Philadelphia
Hobo: I was leaving my wife. I realized I didn't have to run away, I could just walk. The bitch couldn't fit through the door.
Man: You're right -- I thought I was the only one that thought that the skinny little woman from Sex and the City and Jennifer Aniston look like trannies.
--Chambers St & W Broadway
Young suit: You can't break up with me just because I married her while we're engaged! It's not like I love her or anything... Like you've never married anyone for a green card!
--79th & Lex
Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I'd be at home sticking everything inside me -- cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!
--Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City
Drunk guy: The thing I hate about Tom Cruise is how much I love Tom Cruise! [Contemplative pause, then] It really fucks me up, man.
--34th & 30th
Man at ATM, to girlfriend: Wow, I just realized I don't need money right now, but I like coming in here so I can feel rich.
--Commerce Bank, 95th & Broadway