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Thread: The things you hear in New York... funny!

  1. #1
    La vie en rose DitaPage*'s Avatar
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    Talking The things you hear in New York... funny!

    I just came across Overheard in New York | The Voice of the City which is a site where people submit quotes that they overheard in New York. I thought these were hilarious...

    The Legacy of the Sixties
    Two men pass each other on the street.

    Middle-aged man #1: Hey!
    Middle-aged man #2: I didn't recognize you with clothing on.

    --62nd & Broadway

    It's Like Somebody Moved the Things I Think With
    Girl #1: Lately, I just haven't felt like going out. I've turned into such a...What's the word? A homophobe.
    Girl #2: What? Don't you mean a homophiliac?
    Girl #1: Yes! That's what I meant! God, why can't I think straight today?

    --Forever 21, W 34th St

    In Fact He Has to Black Eyed Pee
    Little boy: How come every time you come around, my London, London Bridge...
    Father: I told you, I don't like that song. Stop singing it.
    Little boy: ...wanna go down, like London, London, London...
    Father: If you don't stop singing it, I'll kill you.
    Little boy: ...wanna go down, like London, London, London...
    Father: That's it, I killed you. You're dead. No one can see you now.
    Little boy: I can't be dead. I have to pee.

    --Uptown 2 train

    A Misunderstanding Regarding Whether Her Man Should Continue Breathing
    Woman: This is the second time I been to New York, though, 'cause last time my girl was like, "Do you like the nightlife?" and I said, "Yeah," and she was like, "Then you gotta get to the city, bitch," and I got arrested for smoking a blunt on someone's brownstone.
    Man: That's terrible.
    Woman: Oh no, I mean, it was like the second time I got arrested, you know, so it was like no big deal.
    Man: What happened the first time?
    Girl: Oh, that was just a misunderstanding. I was like 14, and I was wit' ma man, and we was having words--like, we was having a disagreement--and I stabbed him, is all. It was just a misunderstanding.

    --Chinatown bus

    He Paid Cash
    Queer #1: Oh, jeez, I hooked up with that guy. Don't look.
    Queer #2: Who, the guy who just walked on? Call him over. What's his name?
    Queer #1: What am I, psychic?

    --N train, Ditmars Blvd

    A Mirror? No, I Don't Own One. Why?
    Girl: I hate southern people.
    Friend: How can you hate all southern people?
    Girl: I just do. Some people hate black people, some people hate Jewish people, I hate Southern people.
    Friend: Why?
    Girl: They're so prejudiced.

    --N train

    Even Worse, it Was on His Mom's Side
    College kid #1: God, that girl over there's hot!
    College kid #2: Dude, you need to stop being so obsessed with chicks with tattoos. I fucked a girl with a tattoo, and it was pretty unpleasant.
    College kid #1: That's because she was 48 years old and a grandmother...[To entire train] Did everyone hear that? A grandmother!

    --L train

    The Need for Anti-Meme Drugs Becomes Ever More Pressing
    Ghetto girl: Man, I can't believe he did this! I mean, we was in this relationship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin' to dump me! He was all, "Yeah, we're over." I was like, "What you talkin' about?" Then he was all, "I'm taking you off my Top 8."
    Passerby: He took you off his Top 8? Oh, hell, no.

    --Baryshnikov Arts Center

    But Now That You Mention It...
    Girl: I really wish we had stayed. I totally would have waited in the rain and gotten wet for Beyoncé.
    Guy: I didn't know you were into chicks.
    Girl: Wet from the rain, you jackass.

    --Times Square

    Positive Spin: This Girl Will Never Be Bored
    Teen girl #1: Last night I thought the lights were flicking on and off in my room.
    Teen girl #2: Was there something wrong with the electricity?
    Teen girl #1: No, I realized it was just me opening and closing my eyes.

    --12th & 6th

    The Terms of His Parole Require All the Residents of Manhattan to Hit Him
    Hispanic thug #1: You have to hit a kid to teach him respect.
    Hispanic thug #2: That doesn't work
    Hispanic thug #1: Sure it does, remember when I stole that stuff when I was younger and dad hit me? That taught me the respect that I needed not to steal
    Hispanic thug #2: You still steal.
    Hispanic thug #1: Yeah, but not from my family.

    --Downtown 4

    The Gorgon Sisters Tour Manhattan
    Old tourist lady #1: Nobody looks at you here. Nobody looks into your eyes.
    Old tourist lady #2: They probably would if we were better looking.


    And Start Smelling Me, So I Don't Have to Shower Later
    Woman: You shouldn't smell all of those. It's not nice to the people that will buy them. Besides, you're not even buying one.
    Girl: What makes you think I'm not buying one?
    Woman: It's just not nice for you to smell them, is all I'm saying.
    Girl: What, I'm going to use up all the smell? Just stop talking to me.

    --Candle section, Kmart, Penn Station

    Conductor: We are currently being held in the station because of some other A train fucking us all over.

    --Uptown A train

    He Eats Some of Them While They're Still Alive
    PETA activist: Excuse me, do you love animals?
    Smart-Ass: Yes...They're delicious.
    PETA activist: Murderer!!

    --Columbus Circle

    The Baby Never Has Anything Intelligent to Say, So We Know You're the Mother
    Woman #1: I know he be my baby's daddy.
    Woman #2: Yeah? How?
    Woman #1: They be lookin' the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain't got no teeth eitha'.

    --6 train, Brooklyn Bridge

    Best to Just Smile and Nod
    Paris Hilton: No, no, I didn't go to England; I went to London.

    Not So Cute Anymore, Is He, Ladies?
    Jake Gyllenhaal: Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.

    Where Have You Been?
    Drunk, to queer: Fag!
    Queer: ... Dad?

    --14th & 8th

    I'm So Proud!
    Drunk woman in long fur coat: Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me! I gotta pee!
    Tourist: Yeah, we've been waiting for a while. [Nods in direction of unattended mop soaking in bucket, and laughs] I mean, you could always use that thing, I guess.
    Drunk woman: Okay, alright -- just tell me if anyone is coming! [Hikes up coat and begins to pee in bucket.]
    Tourist: Jesus Christ! I've been here one day, and I'm responsible for encouraging public urination.

    ----Line for restroom, McDonald's, Times Square

    And That Eliminates the Need for a Dark Corner?
    Boyfriend, under his breath: I really need to find a dark corner.
    Girlfriend, loudly: You could just pee in my mouth!

    --10th & Broadway

    President: Aren't Those Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq?
    Girl #1: Oh my god, that kid's head is stuck between the bars! [Entire bus crowd looks as kid pulls head out.]
    Girl #2: His head wasn't stuck.
    Boy: Oh my god, is that Hugh Jackman? [Entire bus crowd looks.]

    --Bus outside the Met

    How to Get Some Personal Space on a Crowded Train
    Man: Oh, your dog is so cute. Is that a Yorkie?
    Woman: Oh, yeah, it is. His name is Lucky. I've had him for a looong time.
    Crazy man nearby: Lucky... I stabbed a guy named Lucky 20 years ago. Not so lucky.

    --1 train

    I Really Hope the Word "Home" Was at the End of That
    Queer #1: You did such a good job of shaving my balls!
    Queer #2: You're going to have to do mine again -- they're all spiky again.
    Queer #1: O-M-G -- I'll have to do it as soon as we get home so we have enough time to bang before your parents come!

    --Central Park

    I Can Never Find Waldo
    Girl #1: Eh, let's get out of here. [They leave right after walking in.]
    Girl #2: I hate books.
    Girl #1: Yeah, me too.

    --St. Mark's Book Shop

    Look, That Hobo's Fertilizing It!
    Girl #1: There it is.
    Girl #2: Aw. I thought Madison Square Garden was supposed to be... a garden.

    --34th & 7th

    While Taking It Up the Ass?
    Hipster guy: Yeah, like I'm gonna go see that queer Jersey Boys shit.
    Hipster girl: Is there anything you would go see?
    Hipster guy: No. Not some faggot-ass musical... Well, I might see Mary Poppins.

    --1 train, 59th St

    Fat Caribbean woman to another: Oh, girls' skirts today! My daughter -- her skirt was so short you could see what she had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

    --5 train

    The Tongue in Your Ear Is All Part of the Experience
    Professor: You should really consider going to Europe. It may be boring, but it's cheap!
    Ghetto girl in back: Fuck that shit! I'd rather go to Disney!
    Professor: Europe is actually less expensive to go to than Disney.
    Ghetto girl: Yeah, but only if you stay in a brothel!
    Ghetto boy: Don't you mean 'hostel'?
    Ghetto girl: Same thing, right?

    --Fordham University-Rose Hill

    Dude #1: Yeah, man, all we need to find now is one more hot chick who's willing to do all that, and our porno is set!
    Dude #2: For sure, man.

    --Central Park

    Guy selling umbrellas: Get your umbrellas! Two dollars! Get your umbrellas! Two dollars!
    Customer: How much are they?

    --7th Ave

    Hobo, singing: If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, baby won't you tell me so?
    Tourist woman: You go, girl!
    Hobo: Yo! I'm a guy!

    --R train

    Girl: I still don't understand the definition of emo.
    Boy: It's more emotional than other music.
    Girl: Oh, please, everything is emotional. My face? Emotional.

    --27th & 3rd

    PA announcement: Passengers with over-sized packages must check them at the end of the jetway.
    Traveling dude #1: I have an over-sized package... But I can't check it, baby! Woo-hoo!
    Traveling dude #2: You're a jackass.


    Black teen #1: Word up, nigga.
    Older black man: No, no, no, sister. Don't use the N-word. Please. Anything but that. Show some respect for your sisters and brothers.
    Black teen #2: Fuck you, nigga! You're not my father!

    --B train

    Four-year-old kid, picking nose: Mom! Mom! [Kid holds out booger.]
    Mom: Where the fuck did you get that? Your nose? What the fuck do I want that for?
    Four-year-old kid: Ummm...
    Mom: That's fucking gross! Drop that shit! [Mom grabs kid's wrist and shakes vigorously until booger is dropped.] Now, give me a chip! [Kid gives mom a chip with booger hand.]

    --A train

    Black guy: Excuse me, brotha, may I borrow your phone for two minutes?
    Old man: Sure.
    Black guy, on phone: Wassup, baby? I'm on the line for the liquor store right now... What the fuck you mean 'What line'? The line to get into the fuckin' liquor store! ... I said, the fuckin' line fo' the fuckin' liquor store! You fuckin' retarded? I said the fuckin'-- Oh, okay. [Hangs up, handing the phone back] She already got the liquor.

    --Outside liquor store, Webster Ave

    Middle-aged nerd, pointing to the Cyclone: I've ridden it over a hundred times, and every time the whole time I'm like this [puts both arms up over head]. It's considered, you know, the cool, fun way to ride if you can do it the whole time. Most people can't.

    --Coney Island

    Girl #1: Damn... It smells like a fart.
    Girl #2: Yeah, I didn't say anything 'cause I thought it might have been you... [After long pause] So, it was you, wasn't it?
    Girl #1: Fuck yeah!

    --Fame Diner

    Our Bad
    Girl #1: So, we have a bet -- if I have sex first, then I have to wear a shirt that she's written all over, but if she-- [looks around].
    Girl #2: If she what?
    Girl #1: ... I'll tell you later. I feel like people are listening, and I don't want to end up on some website.

    --Starbucks, 51st & Broadway

    Sir, You're Bleeding
    Woman in large fur coat: What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously! All you do is fucking bitch!
    Man in leather coat: Oh, go to hell, Addy.
    Woman: You fucking asshole. Do you need a fucking tampon? You want a tampon?! [Searches through purse, finds tampon, and flings it at him.] Here you fucking go!
    Man catches passerby staring: What the fuck are you looking at?!


    In My Day, You Had to Walk Two Miles Barefoot to School and a Coke Bottle Sufficed As a Dildo
    Girl: There's a new sex toy -- it's really advanced... You can choose how much body fat you want, change the skin color, everything.
    Guy #1: Wait, do you inflate it?
    Girl: No! It's like a dead person you just fuck.
    Guy #2: Wouldn't it be a lot of work for girls?
    Guy #1: Dude, she can just sit there.
    Guy #2: But still, she has to hop! Like, hop up and down.
    Guy #1: Dude, if it's that advanced, I'm sure the cock moves.
    Guy #2: Oh, true. Yeah, it probably has a boner.

    --Washington Square Park

    Teacher, guiding field trip: Don't you look cute today, April?! I love your dress. I wish I could wear one like it.
    Kindergarten girl: Maybe if you lost some weight, you could.

    --L train

    Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
    Daughter: Mom, I'm getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don't think I can do that on pastels.

    --JCPenney bridal registry

    American: Americans call the last letter in the alphabet 'zee,' but in Britain they call it 'zed.'
    Swede: Oh! That's why Jay-Z is pronounced 'Jay Zee' and not 'Jay Zed'!


    Little Girl: Mommy, why do people in New York always wear black?
    Mommy: I don't know. Maybe they just don't like looking pretty.
    --Upper East Side

    Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!
    --86th & Park

    Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!
    --3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B

    Dude: I don't know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?
    --27th & 7th

    Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time... Yup, she was cremated.
    --Lower East Side

    Chick on cell: I don't know why I listened to you. It hurt. A lot. My vagina feels like it's on fire. I'm never doing that again.
    -----92nd & 3rd

    Girl to friend: It's like that saying, you know? 'The pot calling the kettle a slut.'
    --W 63rd St

    Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff...
    --Columbia University classroom

    Old lady to Indian girl bending to pick up and return stranger's dropped wallet: I always knew you Iraqis were a good people. I'm so sorry about the war.
    --Penn Station

    Drunk girl: Oh my god! I looove Amy Winehouse! But, ugh! Poor bitch is gonna die soon!
    --Vynl Restaurant, 51st & 9th

    Val Kilmer, noticing a 'Now Appearing' sign: Oh! Kris-tin Bell! Not Chris-tian Bale. That makes a lot more sense.
    ---Big Apple Con, Penn Plaza Pavilion, 33rd & 7th

    Bus driver: No phones on the bus. I don't care if you got problems with your mother, or your brother, or girlfriend got a problem with boyfriend, or boyfriend got a problem with girlfriend, or girlfriend-girlfriend, or boyfriend-boyfriend, or just you got a sad, pathetic life, because other passengers do not like to hear those things. And if you sleep, leave your shoes on -- people take their shoes off, it smells like fish market.
    --Port Authority, Greyhound to Philadelphia

    Hobo: I was leaving my wife. I realized I didn't have to run away, I could just walk. The bitch couldn't fit through the door.
    --A train

    Man: You're right -- I thought I was the only one that thought that the skinny little woman from Sex and the City and Jennifer Aniston look like trannies.
    --Chambers St & W Broadway

    Young suit: You can't break up with me just because I married her while we're engaged! It's not like I love her or anything... Like you've never married anyone for a green card!
    --79th & Lex

    Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I'd be at home sticking everything inside me -- cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!
    --Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City

    Drunk guy: The thing I hate about Tom Cruise is how much I love Tom Cruise! [Contemplative pause, then] It really fucks me up, man.
    --34th & 30th

    Man at ATM, to girlfriend: Wow, I just realized I don't need money right now, but I like coming in here so I can feel rich.
    --Commerce Bank, 95th & Broadway
    Last edited by DitaPage*; February 17th, 2008 at 06:56 PM.

  2. #2
    Elite Member Aella's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006


    I love that site! It's a great time waster.
    "Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck." - Joss Whedon

    "The only thing more expensive than education is ignorance." -Benjamin Franklin

  3. #3
    Gold Member honeysuckle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    in my world they know me here


    just imagine what ppl are thinking half the time. if they have the balls to say this stuff i could only wonder what is going in their little minds.

  4. #4
    La vie en rose DitaPage*'s Avatar
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    May 2006


    ^I know. I'm a person but i dont understand how people think!

  5. #5
    Elite Member DontMindMe's Avatar
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    May 2007


    In Fact He Has to Black Eyed Pee
    Little boy: How come every time you come around, my London, London Bridge...
    Father: I told you, I don't like that song. Stop singing it.
    Little boy: ...wanna go down, like London, London, London...
    Father: If you don't stop singing it, I'll kill you.
    Little boy: ...wanna go down, like London, London, London...
    Father: That's it, I killed you. You're dead. No one can see you now.
    Little boy: I can't be dead. I have to pee.

    --Uptown 2 train

    ^^This one had me really cracking up. These were hilarious, I can't believe what comes out of some people's mouths.
    President Barack Obama
    Sounds amazing, doesn't it?

  6. #6
    Gold Member lonestar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    torn between two places


    public transportation is amazing for things like this. i could write a book with all the nonsense i've seen and heard... i watched a woman on the bus bead a necklace with the tray-thing in her lap and baggies of beads all around her.

    The Baby Never Has Anything Intelligent to Say, So We Know You're the Mother
    Woman #1: I know he be my baby's daddy.
    Woman #2: Yeah? How?
    Woman #1: They be lookin' the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain't got no teeth eitha'.

    --6 train, Brooklyn Bridge

    ^^ i've heard that exact conversation before.

  7. #7
    Elite Member chartreuse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    the salad bowl


    i love overheardinnewyork! i can read some of the stuff on that site for days. it's probably my all-time favorite internet time suck.

    eta: hehehe...found one that always makes me giggle:

    A Mighty Wind

    Guy: My dream is to fart into a bullhorn.
    Girl: Wow -- reach for the stars!

    --11th & 3rd

    Overheard by: Lucy

    Overheard in New York | A Mighty Wind
    Last edited by chartreuse; February 18th, 2008 at 05:30 PM.
    white, black, puerto rican/everybody just a freakin'/good times were rollin'.

  8. #8
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007


    these are great!

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