Results 1 to 13 of 13

Thread: From Craigslist

  1. #1
    Elite Member WhateverLolaWants's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    13,660

    Default From Craigslist

    This is too funny (And of many women I've met, too true!)


    Knock knock

    Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

    Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

    You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

    Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

    Come on into the living room.

    Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

    Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

    And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

    Let's go back into the hallway!

    Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

    Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

    Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

    Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

    Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

    Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

    Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

    See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

    Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

    I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

    Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!
    ----------------------------
    There will be times you might leap before you look
    There'll be times you'll like the cover and that's precisely why you'll love the book
    Do it anyway

  2. #2
    Gold Member honeysuckle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    in my world they know me here
    Posts
    1,458

    Default


  3. #3
    Elite Member Chilly Willy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Trolltopia
    Posts
    29,139

    Default

    I laughed from the first sentence to the last. Hahahaha. I think I know this chick.
    Hello mother fucker! when you ask a question read also the answer instead of asking another question on an answer who already contain the answer of your next question!
    -Bugdoll-



  4. #4
    Elite Member DontMindMe's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    6,505

    Default

    Fuckity fuck, I about peed myself! Thanks for posting, Lola.
    President Barack Obama
    Sounds amazing, doesn't it?

  5. #5
    Elite Member WhateverLolaWants's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    13,660

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Chilly Willy View Post
    I laughed from the first sentence to the last. Hahahaha. I think I know this chick.

    "and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it."

    Oh man, this is half the girls I went to college with, now.
    ----------------------------
    There will be times you might leap before you look
    There'll be times you'll like the cover and that's precisely why you'll love the book
    Do it anyway

  6. #6
    Elite Member missbazilb's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Vancouver
    Posts
    1,560

    Default

    So funny! I love it!

  7. #7
    Elite Member Dixie Normos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    In between the mountains and sea
    Posts
    4,222

    Default

    My favourite line:

    Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

    *gasp* too funny!

    Oh wait, this one nearly had me in hysterics too:

    Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

    Except, ALL of my friends do this, not just the girls!
    "In the face of the blinding sun, I wake only to find
    that Heaven is a stranger place than than one I've left behind." - SM

  8. #8
    Elite Member crumpet's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    If I was up your ass you'd know where I am!
    Posts
    7,751

    Default

    That was good.

  9. #9
    Elite Member Beeyotch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    28,273

    Default

    I've read this before, it's pretty funny. The entire Best Of Craigslist section is pretty hilarious.

  10. #10
    Hit By Ban Bus! Lily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Everywhere and nowhere.
    Posts
    9,439

    Default

    And, don't you know, these are the girls the guys are looking for in the Missed Connections section.....


    Hey, here's another:

    best of craigslist : We met for a drink and you caught me making out with a man - m4w
    Last edited by Lily; January 24th, 2008 at 08:37 PM.

  11. #11
    Elite Member DontMindMe's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    6,505

    Default

    ^^
    President Barack Obama
    Sounds amazing, doesn't it?

  12. #12
    Elite Member january's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    7,255

    Default

    That was great, Lola, seriously made me laugh. I think we all know "that girl".

    Craigslist has some seriously funny shit on it. Stupid question: does a "t" mean transsexual? Like t4w? I don't know why, but I come back to this one all the time and wonder if the zombie sex ever happened, don't know why it makes me laugh:

    Hot zombie sex roleplay - t4w

    Date: 2007-12-03, 1:00PM PST


    I am *so* serious.

    Sex has become so boring! For a while, I was having sex at the Power Exchange, because that was fun -- I could mix things up, I could do it in public, and I could have an audience! It was like putting on a show for everyone else, and I got to be the star!

    Unfortunately, lately we've gone into re-runs, and I'm just not having fun anymore.

    Let's go to the Power Exchange together. Let's go to the Power Exchange together and roleplay. Let's go to the Power Exchange together and roleplay HOT ZOMBIE SEX. I mean it. I know it sounds really ridiculous, but I've always loved zombies and the undead, and I've always loved sex, so I want to mix the two. Additionally, I've seen (and am friends with) some really cute zombie girls, and I could really enjoy the mix of horror, terror, shock value in others, and, y'know. Sex.

    I'll dress up like an office professional or something like that, in some clothes I don't care about, and pretend to be doing some work in an office or something. Maybe then I'll listen to a prop radio and look shocked, act scared, peer out a mimed window or something, and then you batter on the door. And batter, and batter, and push -- and break in! And I let out a blood-curdling shriek, and you lunge at me and rip my clothes apart and splatter fake blood all over me (we'll use a tarp on the floor, to be polite), and proceed to savagely violate me. Or something like that -- I'm not really tied to that exact SCENE, but I think something that goes that way would be fun.

    Requirements:
    Be attractive -- sorry, I know, an attractive zombie, but it's possible. HWP, at the very least.
    Know how to *act like a zombie*. I am specifically looking for someone with *zombie experience*. In San Francisco, I don't think this is asking a lot.
    Be able to *look like a zombie*. This means dressing the part and knowing how to appropriately do your makeup.
    Don't be shy. You're going to be dressed like a zombie and growling and groaning and spattering fake blood and all else everywhere. In public. To an audience that may not even be that into it (but I bet they will be!)

    I'm *not* posting pictures of me this go round for obvious reasons, but if you mail me you're of course welcome to a ton. I'm very pretty.

    About me:
    5'6-5'7", 124#, non-smoker. Red hair, blue eyes, glasses, 32D. Anything else, ask. I am *so* into this idea.
    Women ain't gonna let a thing like sense fuck up their argument. - Chris Rock

  13. #13
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    895

    Default

    If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space!

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Hilarious Craigslist story titled: Vasectomy!
    By AliceInWonderland in forum Laughs and Oddities
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: May 8th, 2007, 06:18 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •