The Five Most Inappropriate Children's Videos
A collection of videos so wrong, so offensive, your kids are bound to love them.
By Daniel Murphy
Kids grow up so fast
these days: One second youíre changing their diapers, the next youíre dropping them off at Sober Living by the Sea.
It wasnít always like this. Teachers and parents argue whether kids are a product of the times or vice versa, but top psychologists and other people who donít have children agree: If theyíre going to act like adults, treat them like adults. Donít pay for Li'l Madisonís morning-after pill -- make her work for it like everyone else. Let them learn the effects of Jose Cuervo on their colon in the ambulance like everyone else. Itís called tough love, and it begins with videos like these.
(And just like it takes a village to ruin a child, it takes a village to write a Web column. Have a video you think is worthy of these pages? E-mail it to firstname.lastname@example.org
. If yours is chosen, you will be compensated generously -- with pride. And you canít put a price tag on that. Unless you're on a VH-1 Celebreality show.)
Kids. Theyíre our future. May we teach them well, and let them lead the way. Right to rehab.
In this BBC promotional ad for AIDS (against AIDS?), GI Jonny must save Mimsy from the evil clutches of Captain Bareback and his quest for sex with more sensation. By the end of the adventure, Jonny has neutralized Barebackís spooge cannon, thwarted henchmenís attempts at penetrating through the back door, and left Mimsy weak in the knees by whisking her to safety with a wild ride on his chopper (which was well protected, Iím sure). Like George Clooney, GI Jonny is a true American hero.
Japanese Toilet Training
This canít possibly be the right way to potty train a child. For one thing, unless Iím using a public restroom, I should be the only living thing in the bathroom at all times. No gregarious toilet begging to be used, no fundamentalist poop absurdly comfortable with its own mortality, and most of all no parents cheering me on like 70-year-old chorus girls. For another, make sure you watch all the way to the end. Itís a shocker. (Not that kind.)
British TV Show ďRainbowĒ
Itís important that kids understand the powerful effects music can have on their lives. Just like Slash and Kid Rock, music can land you a lot of pussy. And friends. And thatís exactly what kids will learn from this video if they watch it with their British Humor Decoder ring.
There comes a time in every childís life when they must learn about the birds and the bees. And who better to teach them then a group of naive kids covering a bad í80s song. Their message is clear: When a guy takes you out to a nice dinner and pays for your ticket to Beverly Hills Cop II
, you owe him something. Exercise. Like maybe some light jump rope or boxing. Maybe a little jazzercise. Iím guessing the exercise leaves you too winded to refuse the date-rape portion of the night.
Gali the Alligator
Itís time for kids to understand what kind of shit goes down in the swamp. Itís survival of the fittest. Barney the Overweight Dinosaur wouldnít have lasted five minutes if he wasnít gentrified by all those white kids. In fact, letís have Gali and Barney engage in a jungle war. There will be three competitions: singing, dancing, and a fight to the death. Iíll take Gali and the under.