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Thread: 2007 Darwin Award runners-up

  1. #1
    Elite Member DontMindMe's Avatar
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    Default 2007 Darwin Award runners-up

    This year's winners have been announced at the Darwin Awards web site (full article here). Following are the five runners-up; the winner will be posted separately.

    The Darwin Awards are "named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, [and] commemorate those who improve our gene pool by accidentally removing themselves from it. "

    Runner-Up #5: The Laptop Still Works

    Oscar, 29, was driving on Highway 99 near Yuba City, California when his Honda Accord crossed into oncoming traffic and collided with a Hummer. The occupants of the Hummer were not seriously injured.


    California Highway Patrol officers found Oscar's laptop still running, and plugged into the car's cigarette lighter. Investigators believe that he was using it when his car crossed the center line. "Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills," remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall.

    Oscar was a computer tutor. Hopefully his fatal lesson will teach others to surf on the information superhighway, not the asphalt superhighway. (2/26/2007)

    Runner-Up #4: Superior Momentum

    Two Valparaiso, Indiana men tested their reflexes by playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail longest in the path of an oncoming train?

    At the stroke of midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on, as the conductor was unaware it hit anyone. (6/23/07)

    Runner-Up #3: A Barn Raising, Backwards

    Raising a new barn is an endeavor that brings a community together. Demolishing a barn is another question.



    A trio of friends in Augusta, West Virginia, set out to dismantle a dilapidated structure one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of bracing, one industrious friend fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full barn roof, those wooden beams succumbed to the pull of gravity.

    As a consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at demolishing the barn. (Darwin editor notes: This story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.) (1/14/07)

    Runner-Up #2: Whack-A-Mole-Hunter

    A 63-year-old German man's extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his Baltic Sea property resulted in a victory for the mole.


    The man pounded several metal rods into the ground and connected them to a high-voltage power line, with the intent of rendering the subterranean realm uninhabitable. The maneuver electrified the very ground he stood upon.

    The man was found dead after police tripped the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property. The precise date of the sexagenarian's demise could not be ascertained, but the electricity bill may provide a clue. (1/10/07)

    Runner-Up #1: What Goes Up Must Come Down

    A Columbia, South Carolina cabbie found a young couple naked and injured in the road an hour before sunrise. The two people died at the nearest hospital without regaining consciousness.


    Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked cars or motorcycles.

    Investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof.

    "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. Florence McCants said. (6/20/07)

    List Of The Day: 2007 Darwin Award Runners-Up
    President Barack Obama
    Sounds amazing, doesn't it?

  2. #2
    Elite Member Sojiita's Avatar
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    Good Lord.
    5- Just stupid and lucky nobody was killed.
    4. IDIOT!
    3. Figures..it was WEST VIRGINIA!-I believe every word of it!
    2. What a stupid way to die..trying to kill a mole!
    1. This one is the only one that is kind of sad..damn they were just trying to have some kinky fun..not hurting anyone. Too bad. They should have secured themselves when they got up their to do their business! too bad.
    Don't slap me, cause I'm not in the mood!

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    Elite Member twitchy's Avatar
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    Runners-Up # 1 DID give a flying fuck.

    "The howling backwoods that is IMDB is where film criticism goes to die (and then have its corpse gang-raped, called a racist, and accused of supporting Al-Qaeda)" ----Sean O'Neal, The Onion AV Club

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    Elite Member DontMindMe's Avatar
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    ^^
    President Barack Obama
    Sounds amazing, doesn't it?

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    Elite Member msdeb's Avatar
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    those are great. I love List of the day!
    Basic rule of Gossip Rocks: Don't be a dick.Tati
    Lighten Up Francis WCG

  6. #6
    Elite Member DontMindMe's Avatar
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    2007 Darwin Award Winner


    The 2007 winners have just been announced at the Darwin Awards web site (full article here). The Darwin Awards are "named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, [and] commemorate those who improve our gene pool by accidentally removing themselves from it."

    Yesterday you read about the runners-up. Here is this year's big winner:

    The Enema Within

    Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally.


    His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. The machine shop owner couldn't drink alcohol due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favorite beverage via enema.

    One May evening, Michael was in for one hell of a party. He convinced his wife to administer two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address! When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed.

    The next morning, Michael wasdead. The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%, but his wife was arrested for administering the fatal enema.

    In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. (5/21/04, Texas; charges against wife were finally dropped in 2007)

    List Of The Day: 2007 Darwin Award Winner
    President Barack Obama
    Sounds amazing, doesn't it?

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    Elite Member DontMindMe's Avatar
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    President Barack Obama
    Sounds amazing, doesn't it?

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    Hit By Ban Bus! pacific breeze's Avatar
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    The enema one literally made me laugh until I cried.

  9. #9
    Elite Member january's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by twitchy View Post
    Runners-Up # 1 DID give a flying fuck.


    Actually, this must happen more often than we like to think. Just a few months ago there was that big story of those popular college kids (who, coincidentally the guy was cheating on his real girlfriend, oops) who climbed up onto the roof to have sex while they were piss drunk and fell off and died. What a way to go, I bet their families were so proud. My momma would have bitchslapped me in the funeral home.
    Women ain't gonna let a thing like sense fuck up their argument. - Chris Rock

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    Gold Member mella's Avatar
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    I now think the electrocuting animals stuff seems to be a german invention . We tried to protect our rabbits (a fox had killed two of them) by putting a current on the fence around their cage. We used an old car battery and luckily we all survived to tell the tale

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