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Thread: Dear friends.. (long but funny)

  1. #1
    Gold Member moocow's Avatar
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    Oct 2005

    Talking Dear friends.. (long but funny)

    Dear Friends,
    My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this
    earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer
    and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No
    doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime
    movie in the near future. Here goes.

    Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn
    that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy"
    is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni.
    The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
    a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
    across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
    a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
    product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal
    prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
    high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to
    safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
    long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
    adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
    prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the
    button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
    muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
    never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
    missing out--way too cool!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
    loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed
    the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the
    directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found
    much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
    create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
    love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
    however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get
    the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
    the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
    Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
    pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
    information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that
    burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
    myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
    triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner,
    my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul),
    reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
    thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
    flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping
    Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.
    She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to
    give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a
    mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed
    reasonable to me at the time...

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
    reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
    directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions
    said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
    assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
    spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
    would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
    like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
    little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
    in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
    itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
    way!" no cotton-pickin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead
    of myself.

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
    my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty
    good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
    looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
    "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from
    such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
    (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't
    you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst
    just for the heck of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
    like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that
    it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed
    so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
    and HOLY **************!!!! I'm pretty sure
    that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me
    up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet
    over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
    in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
    be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my ZZZbody
    in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making
    meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
    undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
    (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
    Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a
    one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to
    let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
    a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
    lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in
    your thigh like yours truly.) OH MAN!!!***** that hurt! A
    minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
    thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
    left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses
    were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
    there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
    Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an
    ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

    By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran
    away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, pretty good size,
    and handsome if I must say so myself. At least that's how I remember them.
    Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2005

    Default Re: Dear friends.. (long but funny)

    That's hilarious!!

  3. #3
    Elite Member Tiara's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005

    Default Re: Dear friends.. (long but funny)

    That was funny!!
    No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry
    G_ F_CK Y__RS_LF - Would you like to buy a vowel??

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