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Thread: *How to poop at work *

  1. #1
    Elite Member Tiara's Avatar
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    Default How to do a poo at work

    As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
    inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
    Guide for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING
    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
    your
    area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
    Be
    careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
    expelled.
    Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY
    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
    other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
    again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
    suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE
    A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo
    in
    a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    embarrassment. If
    you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
    happen. If
    you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
    hear
    it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
    Making a
    joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK
    When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
    is
    usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen,
    do
    not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to
    spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This
    reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This
    can
    help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME
    Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just
    stunk
    up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
    walks in
    and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
    not
    exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
    A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an
    Out
    Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
    under
    his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
    Pooer before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes
    off
    without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
    Out
    Of The Closet Pooers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS
    A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
    expect
    visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
    will
    reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR
    Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to
    force
    the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
    that
    can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the
    cubicle
    until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
    eye
    contact.

    CAMO-COUGH
    A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
    are
    in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
    potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
    ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE
    A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
    are
    occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is
    occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooer can poo in peace.

    WATERMELON
    A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
    also
    an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
    diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET
    A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
    water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
    Astaire.

    UNCLE TED
    A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
    lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
    Ted
    makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
    wait
    to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
    other
    bathroom attendees.
    No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry
    G_ F_CK Y__RS_LF - Would you like to buy a vowel??

  2. #2
    Elite Member loulou58's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work






    OMG Tiara i almost peed my pants reading that!!

  3. #3
    Elite Member Tiara's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    As long as you don't have to poop!
    No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry
    G_ F_CK Y__RS_LF - Would you like to buy a vowel??

  4. #4
    Elite Member loulou58's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    phew no thank god, no kids need droppin at the pool so far!

  5. #5
    Elite Member Tiara's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    Hahaha, I love that expression!
    No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry
    G_ F_CK Y__RS_LF - Would you like to buy a vowel??

  6. #6
    Elite Member loulou58's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    How about laying cables?

  7. #7
    Elite Member miss_perfect's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    How about sending the Browns to the Super Bowl?

  8. #8
    Elite Member Tiara's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    ^^ Never heard that one!

    My bf says 'I'm off to have a chat with the arabs' and if I say what? He says 'Mustafa Crap!'
    No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry
    G_ F_CK Y__RS_LF - Would you like to buy a vowel??

  9. #9
    Elite Member miss_perfect's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    ^

    You probably haven't heard mine because it refers to American football...so don't worry!

  10. #10
    Elite Member Tiara's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    I know but I didn't wanna just ignore your post coz that would be rude!

    Are there any other American shit references??
    No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry
    G_ F_CK Y__RS_LF - Would you like to buy a vowel??

  11. #11
    Elite Member miss_perfect's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    Not that I know of, but I'll ask the BF and get back to you!

  12. #12
    Elite Member loulou58's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    how about

    'i've got a turtles head in my pants'

  13. #13
    Elite Member Tiara's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    Thats one of my faves!
    No man is worth your tears, but once you find one that is, he won't make you cry
    G_ F_CK Y__RS_LF - Would you like to buy a vowel??

  14. #14
    Elite Member loulou58's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to do a poo at work

    i need a Tommy Tit

  15. #15
    Hit By Ban Bus! AliceInWonderland's Avatar
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    Wink *How to poop at work *

    i was laughing so hard at this from personal experiences of course there's a "out of the closet pooper" in my office and its hilarious/disgusting
    *How To Poop At Work * <http://ojar.com/boards/index.php/topic,11382.0.html> Thinkin:

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it.We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    *COURTESY FLUSH- ****this one really works****
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    *CROP DUSTING
    When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY
    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and comeback again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE
    A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poopin a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke orlaughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this shouldhappen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom tospare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have juststunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someonewalks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smelldoes not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
    A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will oftensee an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper ormagazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of TheCloset Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency poopinggoes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS
    A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can leastexpect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR
    Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries toforce the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable momentsthat can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stalluntil the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that youare in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alertpotential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE
    A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars thatyou are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall isoccupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON
    A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.

    UNCLE TED
    A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
    crop duster turd burglar watermelon!

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