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Thread: Memo to employees -- as if!

  1. #1
    Hit By Ban Bus! pacific breeze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    in the wild blue yonder

    Default Memo to employees -- as if!

    TO: All Employees
    RE: Swearing at work

    It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
    throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
    normal conversation with their co-workers.

    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
    this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize
    the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
    when communicating with co-workers.

    Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been
    provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
    effective manner.

    1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
    INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

    2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
    INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

    3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
    INSTEA D OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

    4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
    INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

    5) TRY SAYING: Really?
    INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

    6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
    INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

    7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
    INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

    8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
    INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

    9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
    INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

    10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
    INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

    11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
    INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

    12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
    INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

    13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
    INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

    14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
    INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

    15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
    INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

    16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
    INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

    17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
    INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

    18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
    INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
    Chic Mafia

  2. #2
    Elite Member Sojiita's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Central Duh-hio


    Love it! I prefer the old phrases myself.

    and the last one...

    19)TRY SAYING: 'innovative ways of saying things are good and beneficial"

    INSTEAD OF: "great here comes more s... from the f...... nazi speech police"
    Don't slap me, cause I'm not in the mood!

  3. #3
    Elite Member blissfullyunaware's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007


    My goal is to be happy with my life.

  4. #4
    Elite Member shedevilang's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007


    bwaaah these would have been useful at my old job I can just see those grease monkey's saying this shit i'm swiping this and emailing it to my former boss
    Silly bitches, twitchy links are NOT for kids!-Mel

  5. #5
    Elite Member Mariesoleil's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Canada baby!


    Love it!!!!

    Memo to all employees:

    In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

    We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

    Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) ..

    Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T) .

    Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T) ..

    For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T) . This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
    If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T)..

    Thank you,

    Thank you for your time. !
    The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training .
    (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

    Employee Christmas Party MEMO

    Christmas Party
    December 1...To All Employees I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
    Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.
    Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours,
    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    December 2...To All Employees
    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
    employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and
    often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from
    now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also
    applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There
    will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.
    Happy holidays to you and yours.
    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    December 3...To All Employees
    Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
    Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
    your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that
    reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.
    In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union
    members feel that $10 is too much money.
    Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
    December 7...To All Employees
    I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
    away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to
    the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
    have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes,
    there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
    Happy now?
    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    December 9...To All Employees
    People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
    play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be
    "Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red
    Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
    December 10...To All Employees
    Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at
    Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit
    at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and
    you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have
    feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear
    them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you
    hear me?
    The Bitch from Hell
    December 14...To All Employees
    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
    from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
    her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel
    the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
    full pay.
    Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


    NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

    ** In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. Golden showers are not to be shared with fellow employees. In other words, "if you sprinkle when you tinkle - be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!" At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    "Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Your personal well-being is of the utmost importance to us and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere."

    Have a nice week.

    Casual Fridays:

    Week 1 - Memo No. 1

    Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

    Week 3 - Memo No. 2

    Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

    Week 6 - Memo No. 3

    Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

    Week 8 - Memo No. 4

    A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

    Week 9 - Memo No. 5

    As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

    Week 14 - Memo No. 6

    The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

    Week 18 - Memo No. 7

    Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

    Week 20 - Memo No. 8

    Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
    "Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers."

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