HOW TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name: It is L A
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday evening.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 Fwy or the 110 Fwy, your speed is expected to match the highway number.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu or on PCH, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot at.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever! Seriously! It's another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers/shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Online mapping services do not work here; none of the roads are where they say they are, or go where they say they do, and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved frequently. In particular, watch out for occasional disappearance and reappearance of lanes on the highways.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot. The same goes for the far right lane. Heck, the foregoing applies to all lanes.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
13. Aggressive driving is required when merging onto or exiting the highway or will miss your turn and no one will let you get over.
14. Tailgating is considered a warning to quickly move out of the way or take the chance of being a victim of a possible hit and run, or possibly shot.
15. Distraction 101 is a prerequisite! All drivers MUST master the skills of applying make-up, shaving, sipping coffee or beer, eating take-out, text messaging, reading books/newspapers/directions, feed the baby, talking to passengers in the backseat, and viewing laptops if you're to drive in L A.