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Thread: Hilarious Craigslist story titled: Vasectomy!

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    Hit By Ban Bus! AliceInWonderland's Avatar
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    Talking Hilarious Craigslist story titled: Vasectomy!

    This is hilarious! I know it sounds a bit woman-hating, but i dont even really believe this story but its funny as shit nonetheless to me -

    best of craigslist : Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

    Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST


    I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

    I got a vasectomy.

    I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

    I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

    We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

    Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

    At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

    So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

    Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

    It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

    I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

    She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

    Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

    I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

    I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

    I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

    Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

    I continue. "I am sterile"

    Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

    I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

    This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

    I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

    I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

    I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

    Epilogue -

    I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

    The Moral of the Story -

    Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.


    Location: Manhood
    it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

    PostingID: 274495936

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    Elite Member Just Kill Me's Avatar
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    This is one of my favorite Cragslist Bestofs.

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    Zee
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    I've never seen this before- it is a gem.
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    Elite Member darksithbunny's Avatar
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    Beautiful! I still can't believe in this day and age that women still try to pull this kind of crap.

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    Hit By Ban Bus! pacific breeze's Avatar
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    Funny -- these two sound like these deserve each other.

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    ^That's what I think.

    I think he got screwed and dreamed this up as a way to cope with reality. Keep dreamin' buddy.

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    She's an Idiot
    He sounds like an asshole- good move on the vasectomy for his part.
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    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    Elite Member yanna's Avatar
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    It does sound like a revenge fantasy rather than something that actually happened... Enjoy paying that child support, moron.

    I think more guys need to get vasectomies. I told the boyfriend he should get one since he's always on and on about how he doesn't want kids. He turned a bunch of different colours and said no one is going in that are with a knife... Idiot.

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    A*O
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    It does sound more like an urban myth but unfortunately it's totally believable.

    Men are pathetic sooks about vasectomies. It's all about undermining their potency and virility and other macho shit. Fine - pay the damn child support then.
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    Elite Member MsDark's Avatar
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    I was really all "for" the guy in this scenario until I came to the part where he went back with flowers, a small piece of jewelry and the documents tucked in his pocket only to proceed to pretend that he was now ready to accept his responsibilities as a new father, discussing their future AND having sex with her before dropping the "fuck you" bomb.

    It does sound more like a revenge fantasy for sure. But even if not, he deserved the potential hassle of dealing with her pulling this shit on him simply for not being able to "man up" and set her straight the very first time she mentioned commitment that he knew he didn't want. For that matter, he should have been straight with her about what he wanted (or didn't) before she started dropping hints as he claimed an ability to "practically HEAR her biological clock ticking!"

    I guess continuing to take advantage of a woman with an audible ticking clock because you don't want to give up an easy lay is somewhat less reprehensible than tricking a person into fatherhood who was not responsible. But stealing a final fuck right before you know you're about to lower the boom on someone you should be too disgusted with at this point to touch with a ten foot pole doesn't exactly make you prince charming, to say the least!
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    A*O
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    But he says she bangs like an Energizer bunny! Why would any reasonable man turn his back on that?? [/sarcasm]
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    Elite Member blissfullyunaware's Avatar
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    i know guys like this,thank the lord that a few of them have actually had vasectomies.
    My goal is to be happy with my life.

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    Gold Member honeysuckle's Avatar
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    she deserved it for even pointing a finger at him knowing there was another candidate in for the running.

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    Elite Member MsDark's Avatar
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    Again, suspending the reality that this is actually a bullshit story.

    Still...

    Wanting to know why her dishonesty so much more reprehensible than his dishonesty? Even if she didn't know about the vas, it's certainly not like it couldn't be easily proven he wasn't the daddy by a simple DNA test.

    I find the broad in this scenario more guilty of stupidity than anything else. Unless he had her so snowed from all his bullshit that she thought he'd be enough of a chump to not request or even think about DNA because he was "in lurve".

    Chick was just going with what she thought was her "best" option, or maybe she really did think he was the daddy.

    The biggest point is that he wouldn't have even been in that situation if he got himself a fuck bunny who only wanted what he did instead of lying to a broad he knew wanted more (and probably had several other issues) just so he could keep banging her.

    So why didn't dude do just that? Because his widdle ego couldn't stand fucking a chick who didn't give a damn about wanting him for anything else. Guys like this thrive on exactly this type of drama. He got what he wanted here, believe me.

    Too bad people I've observed who are this similar a level of fucked-up IRL probably don't have vasectomies to fall back on or "get served" over as with this little happily-ever-after.
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