Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into an elevator?

A: Grease her hips and throw in a Twinkie.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Buckeye fan, a Wolverine fan, a nun and a stunning blonde are riding on a train. Suddenly the train heads into a tunnel. A loud smack is heard and as the train rides out of the tunnel the Wolverine fan is rubbing his face. The nun thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the blonde." The blonde thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the nun." The Wolverine fan thinks: "The Buckeyes fan was probably trying to grab the blonde, missed her and grabbed the nun instead. Then she tried to smack him in the face and missed." The Buckeye fan thinks: "Next tunnel I'm going to smack that stupid Wolverine fan again."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were destroyed. The football team was very upset because they hadn't colored in two of them yet.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------



Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's inability to beat the Buckeyes, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is. Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?" Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Troy Smith over and asks him, "Troy, who's your father's brother's nephew? Smith answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me." Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback!"

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over Chad Henne. "Hey, Henne! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Chad looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says, "Coach, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay?" Carr, disgusted, says okay.

During practice, Henne calls over Mike Hart. "Hey, Mike, Coach just asked me the weirdest question: "Who's your father's brother's nephew?" Hart answers, "Duh! That's pretty simple! It's me!" After practice, Henne catches up with Carr and says, "Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Mike Hart!" Carr (very angry with Henne) says, "No, No, No! You idiot! It's Troy Smith!!!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

What does a U of M girl say after sex?

"Get off me dad, you’re crushing my cigarettes."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You might be a Michigander!





If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake...
If your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!)...
If snow tires come standard on all your cars...
If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry...
If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...
If you can identify an Ohio accent...
If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town...
If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike...
If you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder...
If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up...
If you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is...
If someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..."
If "Down South" to you means Toledo...
If you have any idea who Bob Ufer was...
If octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball...
If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon...
If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "lopers"...
If the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino's, Little Caesar's and Hungry Howie's...
If a Big Mac is something you can drive across...
If you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island...
If you got a passport to go to Ohio...
If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones...
If your kid's baseball or softball games have been ever been snowed out..
If the trees in your backyard have spigots...
If you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists...
If you bake with "soda" and drink "pop"...
If you know what a pastie is...
If you drive 80 mph on the highway and pass on the right...
If your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus...
If you have a favorite hockey team...
If you think there are only TWO seasons, Hockey Season and Off-Season...
If you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's...
If you know how to play Euchre...
If You classify your friends & relatives as "yoopers," "trolls," "Canadians," or "not from 'round here," (also classified as "Green Bay Fans," "Detroit Fans," "Toronto Fans," and "not from 'round here")...
If You know at least 2 yooper jokes (like the one about the 2 brothers from Ipsheming who run red lights)...
If Fudge and Bicycles remind you of your honeymoon...
If You can name all 5 of the Great Lakes, and point to their locations around your left and right hands...
If You don't cross picket lines...
If You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...
If You know that Pontiac and Cadillac are cities...
If You've been to Hell and to Paradise & back again...
If You had Tornado Drills in elementary school...
If You know all the words to Gordon Lightfoot's classic ballad, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"...(HAHAHAHAHAHA)
If You can actually pronounce Ypsilanti...
If your idea of reaching Climax is driving just past Kalamazoo...
If the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...
If nothing weighs more than you do...
If you consider a rusty pickup a "turn-on"...
If you've ever gone "trolling for taillights"...
If you laugh hysterically at the "suckers" during movies of the week about hurricanes...
If you can travel through Detroit and not get mugged...
If your idea of creative landscaping is putting an extra pair of pink flamingos next to your blue spruce...
If you think there should be a "Fudgies go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Clare...
If a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...
You eat muskrat on Fridays during Lent because it's "seafood"...
If you go "Up North" for every possible holiday...
If you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts...
If you eat potato burgers in Elmira...
If you sing along with the YES MICHIGAN commercials

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

-----------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Why don't University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men were due to be executed one day -- one University of Penn State graduate, one Ohio State graduate and one University of Michigan graduate.

The Ohio State grad was the first to be brought in front of the firing squad. Just when they were about to fire, he shouted, "Tornado!" The guards all turned around, and he escaped by jumping over the wall.

Next in line was the Penn State grad, now confident that he too will be able to escape. So, just when they were about to fire, he shouted, "Flood!" The guards turned around and he too managed to escape.

Now it was the turn of the Michigan grad, wondering what disaster he could use (now that tornado and flood had been used). Finally, just when the guards were about to shoot, he shouted, "Fire!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------


5)Both Marilyn Chambers and Maurice Clarett prefer oral exams

4)Ohio State players are proof of reincarnation, you can'y get that stupid in one lifetime

3)Ohio State fans smell so blind people can hate them too

2)The only sign of intelliget(sp?) life in Columbus is a road sign that says: Ann Arbor 190 miles

1) Like Jennifer Lopez, Clarett got caught with too much junk in the trunk

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did U of M replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.


------------------------------------------------------------------------
A buckeye graduate becomes a police officer, his assignment is to pull over speeders at a particular bridge. He's a big strapping lad, 6' tall, 220 lbs. He's at his assigned post gleefully using his radar gun to pull over speeders and give them tickets, when along comes a maize and blue Cadillac going very fast, he quickly pulls the car over to discover a young woman behind the wheel. He asks, "where ya goin in such a hurry?" She replies, "I have a medical emergency" The buckeye cop says with some incredulity, "medical emergency? You don't look like a doctor to me." She replies a tad chagrined, "Officer, I"m a rectum stretcher, and its critical that I get to my patient" The Buckeye cop says, "rectum stretcher??? okay, I give how do you stretch a rectum" The Michigan grad says, "well, first, you use just one finger, then two, then four, then your whole hand, your arms, and finally" using her arms to demonstrate, "I've stretched rectums to 6 feet!" The buckeye cop asks, "what would anyone do with a 6 foot rectum??" The girl replies, "put them on a bridge with a radar gun
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two ohio state engineers are standing and looking at a flagpole, a michigan cheerleader walks up, and asks, "what ya doin?" One of the bucks graduates says, "trying to figure out how tall this flagpole is" The cheerleader, with a very smug look on her face, quickly removes the bolts holding the pole, and lowers it to the ground, grabs a tape measure, and quickly measures the pole, "24 feet" she says smugly, then continues on her way. One buck turns to the other, "isn't that just like a Michigan alum, we want the height, she gives us the width"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead
halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than
usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped
cars. The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the
team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself
on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and the
university has cut back on his recruiting budget. We're taking up a
collection for him." The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so
far?" The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are
still siphoning."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------