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Thread: Primer on the Blues

  1. #1
    Elite Member Palermo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Nor Cal

    Default Primer on the Blues

    If you are into Blues music, or like it, but never really understood the

    why and wherefores, here are some fundamental rules:

    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick

    something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the

    meanest face in town."

    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

    Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the

    meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in

    town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a

    ditch... ain't no way out.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't

    travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues

    transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and

    state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a

    major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults

    sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the

    electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis .

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in

    Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical

    depression. Chicago , St. Louis , Kansas City, Memphis , and Nawlins are still

    the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place

    that don't get rain.

    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male

    pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the

    Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

    9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is

    wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10. Good places for the Blues:

    a. highway

    b. jailhouse

    c. empty bed

    d. bottom of a whiskey glass

    11. Bad places for the Blues:

    a. Nordstrom's

    b. Art gallery openings

    c. Ivy League institutions

    d. golf courses

    12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen

    to be an old person, and you slept in it.

    13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

    Yes, if:

    a. you're older than dirt

    b. you're blind

    c. you shot a man in Memphis

    d. you can't be satisfied

    No, if:

    a. you have all your teeth

    b. you were once blind but now can see

    c. the man in Memphis lived

    d. you have a 401K or trust fund

    14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. TigerWoods

    cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got

    a leg up on the Blues.

    15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the


    Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

    a. cheap wine

    b. whiskey or bourbon

    c. muddy water

    d. black coffee

    The following are not Blues beverages:

    a. Perrier

    b. Chardonnay

    c. Snapple

    d. Slim Fast

    16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues

    death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.

    So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a

    broken-down cot.

    You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while

    getting liposuction.

    17. Some Blues names for women:

    a. Sadie

    b. Big Mama

    c. Bessie

    d. Fat River Dumpling

    18. Some Blues names for men:

    a. Joe

    b. Willie

    c. Little Willie

    d. Big Willie

    19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather

    can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis .

    20. Blues Name Starter Kit:

    a. name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

    b. first name (see above) plus name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

    c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

    For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi

    Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

    21. And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family

    plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.

  2. #2
    Elite Member moomies's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    pretending to be a lurker but I'm not quiet enough


    If you think it's crazy, you ain't seen a thing. Just wait until we're goin down in flames.

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