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Thread: Weekly Horoscope

  1. #1
    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    Default Weekly Horoscope

    Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 23, 2016

    Vol 52 Issue 07 Entertainment


    Aries | March 21 to April 19
    An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you’re a woman now.

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20
    The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a bread box, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20
    The Bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone’s guess.

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22
    Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
    You’ll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it’s the one where everything comes together in the end.

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
    No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
    Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
    A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn’t Really Know What He’s Doing Killer.

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
    Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear’s ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you’ll let go of that honey.

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
    People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
    Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of bloodsucking parasite after you for a reason.

    Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 23, 2016 - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
    You don't engage with crazies. Because they're, you know, fucking crazy. - WitchCurlGirl

  2. #2
    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
    Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.
    I don't get it.
    MontanaMama likes this.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

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  3. #3
    Elite Member MontanaMama's Avatar
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    With all the Virgos on this board, the cannon industry is going to get a YOOOGE boost.
    Kittylady likes this.
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    (716): I'd call her a cunt, but she doesn't seem to have the depth or warmth
    Quote Originally Posted by shedevilang View Post
    (Replying to MontanaMama) This is some of the smartest shit I ever read

  4. #4
    Elite Member darksithbunny's Avatar
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    Lol!!!

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    Elite Member SHELLEE's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greysfang View Post
    I don't get it.
    Haha, really?
    sluce likes this.
    See, Whores, we are good for something. Love, Florida
    #fingersinthebootyassbitch

  6. #6
    Elite Member Kittylady's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MontanaMama View Post
    With all the Virgos on this board, the cannon industry is going to get a YOOOGE boost.

    Us Virgos are safe. By the time we have made sure that the cannons are clean enough, calibrated properly, the operator has been minutely questioned about their ability to do their job properly, told by us how they really should be doing their job properly and we've spent time making deliciously vindictive Wills to spite anyone who ever pissed us off since birth just in case something goes wrong the week will be up and we'll have to give being shot out of a cannon a miss while we start over analysing and criticizing the new horoscope.
    MontanaMama and nico like this.
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    How big would a T-Rex wang be?! - Karistiona


  7. #7
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    hmm.. im really into horoscopes as i read mine always online via astrosofa.com: horoscopes for free / astrology / tarot
    i got really excited that here is a thread about weekly horoscopes but this isnt what i expected.

    so i´ll better stick to my trusted webpage and read it there!


    are there more people interested in horoscopes? we could open a proper thread im in !

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