Ricky Gervais' 10 best jokes

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Louis Virtel



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On creationism


"'In the beginning, God created the heaven and the Earth.' Doesn’t go into detail. He's like, 'Just trust me, I did."

-Animals





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On the HFPA's Golden Globes hosting requirements


“I mustn’t mention Mel Gibson this year — not his private life, his politics, his recent films, and especially not Jodie Foster’s ‘Beaver.’ I haven’t seen it myself. I’ve spoken for a lot of guys here, they haven’t seen it either. But that doesn’t mean it’s not any good.”

-the 2012 Golden Globes





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On Stephen Hawking


"Stephen Hawking isn’t a genius. He’s pretentious. Born in Kent but talks with an American accent."

-Animals





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On cosmetic surgery


“I’ve had a penis reduction. Just got the one now. And it is very tiny. But so are my hands, so when I’m holding it, it looks pretty big. And let’s face it, I usually am holding it. I wish I was doing that now instead of this, to be honest.”

-the 2010 Golden Globes





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On "The Tourist"


"And I’d like to quash this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason “The Tourist” was nominated was so the Hollywood Foreign Press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is rubbish. That is not the only reason. They also accepted bribes.”

-the 2011 Golden Globes





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On Biblical punishments


“God starts handing out punishments. The punishment he gives [Adam] is he’ll have to toil the field from now on and won’t get manna from heaven. The punishment he gives Eve is that she’ll have terrible pain during childbirth. The punishment he gives to the snake — who f*cked up everything, remember — was, “You shall crawl on your belly all your days.” Not really a punishment for a snake. I bet he couldn’t believe his luck."






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On science


"Science seeks the truth. And it does not discriminate. For better or worse it finds things out. Science is humble. It knows what it knows and it knows what it doesn’t know. It bases its conclusions and beliefs on hard evidence -*- evidence that is constantly updated and upgraded. It doesn’t get offended when new facts come along. It embraces the body of knowledge. It doesn’t hold on to medieval practices because they are tradition. If it did, you wouldn’t get a shot of penicillin, you’d pop a leach down your trousers and pray."

-the 2010 Wall Street Journal article "Why I'm An Atheist"






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On acts of God


"What isn't an act of God, if you believe in God? He does everything. He's all powerful and he's everywhere and he invented everything. He invented time, space, everything. He’s not absent-minded! A volcano going off is not him going, 'Oh, f*ck, I left the oven on.'"

-Science





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On Bruce Willis


“You know our next presenter from such films as Hudson Hawk, Look Who’s Talking, Mercury Rising, Color of Night, Fifth Element, and Hearts War. Please welcome Ashton Kutcher’s dad Bruce Willis.”

-the 2011 Golden Globes





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On World AIDS Day


"First of December, World Aids Day — I don't think it'll ever take off like Christmas.”

-Out of England