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Thread: Worst Literary Sex Scene Ever?

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    Elite Member Kittylady's Avatar
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    Default Worst Literary Sex Scene Ever?

    I cried with laughter and disbelief reading this.



    "Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet.
    Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which is seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway.
    Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter – hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest.
    As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.
    “Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”
    Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too.
    “Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”
    Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
    Hilda looked at him expectantly.
    “Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”
    At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge.
    Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.
    Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.
    Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!
    The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room.
    Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.
    She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”
    But her bed was empty.
    Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs."



    filaments (iheartuniversecookies: angelas-extrasandstuff: ...)
    I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S Thompson

    How big would a T-Rex wang be?! - Karistiona


  2. #2
    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    I need that book.

    "dick aneurysm" ROFL
    sputnik likes this.

    "The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

    -- Stephen Hawking

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    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    Buttermilk bosoms! I love it!
    I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West

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    Elite Member Laurent's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by twitchy2.0 View Post
    "dick aneurysm" ROFL
    Right before he "suffered from dick Parkinson's."
    “What are you looking at, sugar-tits?” - Mel Gibson

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    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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    i wonder what dick tourette's would look like?
    I'm open to everything. When you start to criticise the times you live in, your time is over. - Karl Lagerfeld

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    Elite Member Kittylady's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by twitchy2.0 View Post
    I need that book.

    "dick aneurysm" ROFL
    I had a look on Amazon - apparently it's book six out of ten () of Viking Time Travel romances. I'm going to have to see if I can get a copy too.
    I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S Thompson

    How big would a T-Rex wang be?! - Karistiona


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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Aw crap


    March 15, 2012
    at
    4:58 pm
    I’m not sure who you people are, but before you mock something, make sure you know what you’re talking about. That “exceprt” that was presumably taken from my book is in fact NOT an excerpt. Check page 222 of ROUGH AND READY and you will see that someone is having fun with you, putting in their own purple prose. I don’t mind constructive criticism, but this borders on libel. If you really care about accuracy, email me, and I” send you a copy of the correct paragraphs.
    Link



    • I don't want it now.
    Just Kill Me and Kittylady like this.

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    Elite Member Rusalka's Avatar
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    I couldn't even get through the whole thing, it's so cringe-worthy and hilarious.

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    Elite Member Just Kill Me's Avatar
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    The entire thing is hilarious! Fulfilled with fulfillment!
    KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GOD DAMNED HONEY!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on, let's have lots of drinks.

    Fuck you all, I'm going viral.

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    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by twitchy2.0 View Post
    Aw crap

    March 15, 2012
    at
    4:58 pm
    I’m not sure who you people are, but before you mock something, make sure you know what you’re talking about. That “exceprt” that was presumably taken from my book is in fact NOT an excerpt. Check page 222 of ROUGH AND READY and you will see that someone is having fun with you, putting in their own purple prose. I don’t mind constructive criticism, but this borders on libel. If you really care about accuracy, email me, and I” send you a copy of the correct paragraphs.
    Link



    • I don't want it now.
    Man! She just missed out on a lot of sales. Darn.
    I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West

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    Elite Member Just Kill Me's Avatar
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    She has a historical viking selection?!?!?
    KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GOD DAMNED HONEY!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on, let's have lots of drinks.

    Fuck you all, I'm going viral.

  12. #12
    Hit By Ban Bus! rockchick's Avatar
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    what is a "clunge" and should I have one?

  13. #13
    A*O
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    There used to be a literary Bad Sex award in the UK. Not sure if it still exists.

    I know it's a spoof (allegedly) but there seems to be an obsession with abs. And henceforth a peen shall be known as a Meat Wand.
    sputnik likes this.
    I've never liked lesbianism - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
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  14. #14
    Elite Member Laurent's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rockchick View Post
    what is a "clunge" and should I have one?
    Synonym for "snooch," and no one should have either. Warm or not.
    rockchick likes this.
    “What are you looking at, sugar-tits?” - Mel Gibson

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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    You also shouldn't have pulsing abs - regardless of the lighting.

    "The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

    -- Stephen Hawking

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