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Thread: Church Bulletins

  1. #1
    Elite Member Barbara's Avatar
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    Default Church Bulletins

    I know they've been around forever but they make me laugh everytime

    They're back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with
    typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
    announced in church services:



    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the St. Martin's Church. Please use
    large double door at the side entrance.

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight
    "Searching for Jesus."

    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
    recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
    things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
    husbands.

    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
    conflict.

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
    Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
    much about you.

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
    pleasure to the congregation.

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
    downstairs.

    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
    they can get.

    Amy remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
    transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
    Father Jack's sermons.

    The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing
    "Break Forth Into Joy."

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
    church.
    So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
    will follow.

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
    Hell?"
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
    new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
    recycled.
    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
    you want remembered.

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
    gracious hostility.

    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
    the ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
    be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
    the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
    invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
    him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
    back door.

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
    basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
    tragedy.

    The Priest unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
    Sunday:
    "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
    Nope.

  2. #2
    Elite Member NawdleZouss's Avatar
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    Default Re: Church Bulletins

    These are too funny!
    2 years...

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Tati's Avatar
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    Default Re: Church Bulletins

    If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.

    - Kahlil Gibran

  4. #4
    Super Moderator NoDayButToday's Avatar
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    Default Re: Church Bulletins

    These were hilarious, thanks Barbara!

  5. #5
    SVZ
    SVZ is offline
    Do fish have boogers? SVZ's Avatar
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    Default Re: Church Bulletins

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
    Hell?"
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    I LOVED this one!!!

    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
    recycled.
    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    this one is good too!

  6. #6
    Elite Member Lobelia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Church Bulletins

    They're all great, but this one cracked me up:

    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight
    "Searching for Jesus."
    "I've cautiously embraced jeggings"
    Emma Peel aka Pacific Breeze aka Wilde1 aka gogodancer aka maribou

    Yip, yip, yip in your tiny indignation. Bark furiously on, lady dog.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Church Bulletins


    Very funny...

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