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Thread: It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherf***ers.

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    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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    Default It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherf***ers.

    IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.


    BY COLIN NISSAN

    - - - -
    I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

    I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

    Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

    The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.

    Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

    For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

    Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

    McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: It
    I'm open to everything. When you start to criticise the times you live in, your time is over. - Karl Lagerfeld

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    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    BOL! I like it!

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    Elite Member Air Quotes's Avatar
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    Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes
    Honeythorn likes this.
    "A true whore just loves her life." - Sluce

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    fgg
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    so funny!
    can't post pics because my computer's broken and i'm stupid

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    Elite Member Butterfly's Avatar
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    I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! Yes, I am easily amused my curse words.
    sluce likes this.
    ><((((º>·. ¸¸. ·´¯`·.¸¸><((((º>><((((º>`·.¸¸.··´¯`·...¸><((((º>¸.·´¯`·.. ><((((º> `·.¸¸.·´¯`·...¸><((((º>

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    Elite Member Rusalka's Avatar
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    God that was the best thing ever!

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    Elite Member whitetigeress's Avatar
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    As I'm reading it I'm picturing Dexter's Sgt Doakes saying it,... Muthafukers.
    stella blue likes this.

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    Elite Member pinkbunnyslippers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mel1973 View Post
    BOL! I like it!
    What is BOL?

    I can't wait either. My fiance and I have already talked about table cenerpieces and pumpkin/gourd shopping.
    "Fashion is an art, but individuality is the key"

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    fgg
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    BOL=burst out laughing
    can't post pics because my computer's broken and i'm stupid

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    Elite Member Air Quotes's Avatar
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    Bulimia or lunch.
    "A true whore just loves her life." - Sluce

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    Elite Member OrangeSlice's Avatar
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    I freaking love it.
    "Schadenfreude, hard to spell, easy to feel." ~VenusinFauxFurs

    "Scoffing is one of my main hobbies!" ~Trixie

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    Elite Member Trixie's Avatar
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    Holy manifesto, batman!
    These people don't give a fuck about YOU or us. It's a message board, for Christ's sake. ~ mrs.v ~
    ~"Fuck off! Aim higher! Get a life! Get away from me!" ~the lovely and talented Miss Julia Roberts~



  13. #13
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Air Quotes View Post
    Bulimia or lunch.
    pish, bulimia means you ALWAYS get lunch... sometimes twice in one day!

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    fgg
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    ^that's why it's so much better than anorexia!
    can't post pics because my computer's broken and i'm stupid

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    Elite Member ManxMouse's Avatar
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    this is....greatness!
    Santa is an elitist mother fucker -- giving expensive shit to rich kids and nothing to poor kids.

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