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Thread: Glorious Insults!

  1. #1
    Hit By Ban Bus! Pippin's Avatar
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    Default Glorious Insults!

    These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to "four letter" words.


    The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
    She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
    He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

    A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."


    "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


    "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

    "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill


    "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

    "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


    "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;
    I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

    "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain


    "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..." - Oscar Wilde


    "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if... you have one." -
    George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
    "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -
    Winston Churchill, in response.

    "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop


    "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


    "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb


    "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson


    "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

    "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand


    "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker


    "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

    "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


    "Some cause happiness wherever they go;


    others, whenever they go..." - Oscar Wilde

    "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts: for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


    "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


    "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
    But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


    "You are drunk, Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk."
    "Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock, are ugly and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill, will be sober."

    "I drink only to make my friends seem interesting." - Don Marquis


    "My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." - Henny Youngman











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  2. #2
    Elite Member HWBL's Avatar
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    Gotta love most of those.
    Warren Beatty: actor, director, writer, producer.

    ***** celeb

  3. #3
    Elite Member darksithbunny's Avatar
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    Love em!

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    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Mikesandy, this one is for you: "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts: for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
    That Winston Churchill was a snipy bastard, I love it. Here are a couple other of his quotes that I like:
    Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
    Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.


    Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
    Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
    Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
    Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
    Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(•_•)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

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    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Just because its something I enjoy, here are more!!!
    This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible, this was terrible with raisins in it. -- Dorothy Parker

    A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster. -- Earl Long
    A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster. -- Earl Long

    Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep. -- Dennis Healy

    He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms. -- Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty)

    He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. -- Johnny Carson (about Chevy Chase)

    He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it. -- T.S. Eliot (about Henry James)

    He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser. -- George C. Scott


    He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. -- Oscar Wilde
    He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair. -- Theodore Roosevelt

    He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him. -- Eddie Cantor

    He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. -- Leonard Louis Levinson


    He'd make a lovely corpse. -- Charles Dickens
    He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices. -- Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote)

    His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. -- Alan Brien

    His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. -- Mark Twain

    I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well. -- Joan Crawford

    I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. -- Walter Matthau

    I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. -- Clarence Darrow

    She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day. -- Cecil Beaton (about Katherine Hepburn)


    She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people. -- Robertson Davies
    She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese. -- Billy Wilder (about Marilyn Monroe)

    She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. -- Jean Webster

    She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B. -- Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn)

    She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin. -- Heinrich Heine

    That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting. -- Douglas Adams

    The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. -- George Bernard Shaw


    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(•_•)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  6. #6
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Q: People from the US - "WHERE do you get your politicians?"
    A: Big corporations buy them at whorehouses and donate them to the public.
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(•_•)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

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    Elite Member Grimmlok's Avatar
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    "You always fail to take my breath away."
    I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.

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    Elite Member MsChiff's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mel1973 View Post
    Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
    Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.

    A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster. -- Earl Long
    His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. -- Alan Brien
    She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day. -- Cecil Beaton (about Katherine Hepburn)OMG!!!
    She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. -- Jean Webster My favorite! I know so many ppl like this!!!
    Love these!
    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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    Hit By Ban Bus! AliceInWonderland's Avatar
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    ooooo i have to read this thread when i get a chance

  10. #10
    Hit By Ban Bus! Pippin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mel1973 View Post
    Mikesandy, this one is for you: "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts: for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
    That Winston Churchill was a snipy bastard, I love it. Here are a couple other of his quotes that I like:
    Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
    Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.


    Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
    Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
    Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
    Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
    Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

    Thanks for adding more; I can't get enough of these quotes. I only wish that I could remember them all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mel1973 View Post
    Just because its something I enjoy, here are more!!!
    This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible, this was terrible with raisins in it. -- Dorothy Parker

    A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster. -- Earl Long
    A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster. -- Earl Long

    Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep. -- Dennis Healy

    He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms. -- Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty)

    He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. -- Johnny Carson (about Chevy Chase)

    He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it. -- T.S. Eliot (about Henry James)

    He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser. -- George C. Scott


    He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. -- Oscar Wilde
    He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair. -- Theodore Roosevelt

    He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him. -- Eddie Cantor

    He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. -- Leonard Louis Levinson


    He'd make a lovely corpse. -- Charles Dickens
    He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices. -- Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote)

    His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. -- Alan Brien

    His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. -- Mark Twain

    I didn't know her well, but after watching her in action I didn't want to know her well. -- Joan Crawford

    I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. -- Walter Matthau

    I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. -- Clarence Darrow

    She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day. -- Cecil Beaton (about Katherine Hepburn)


    She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people. -- Robertson Davies
    She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese. -- Billy Wilder (about Marilyn Monroe)

    She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. -- Jean Webster

    She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B. -- Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn)

    She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin. -- Heinrich Heine

    That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting. -- Douglas Adams

    The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. -- George Bernard Shaw



    These are brilliant! I can't even begin to pick a favourite!

    Quote Originally Posted by Grimmlok View Post
    "You always fail to take my breath away."
    Now this one I'll remember!
    Last edited by Tati; June 7th, 2011 at 12:28 PM.

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    Hit By Ban Bus! AliceInWonderland's Avatar
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    "your asshole must be jealous of the shit coming out of your mouth!" - Tamra Barney, Real Housewives of Orange County and my new patron Saint

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