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Thread: Simon's Pie Charts

  1. #1
    Elite Member Kittylady's Avatar
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    Default Simon's Pie Charts

    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Logo Design

    Hello David,
    I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If the deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.
    Simon


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Logo Design

    Dear Simon,

    Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.
    Regards, David.






    From:
    Simon Edhouse
    Date:
    Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Dear Simon,
    You are correct and I apologise. Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.
    I would no doubt find your ideas more 'cutting edge' and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950's but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.
    Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.
    Regards, David.







    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 11.07am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has. The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 1.36pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Dear Simon,
    So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations. This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.
    When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father's portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the footpath at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report "Cause of accident?" I stated 'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'stupidity'.
    If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas.
    I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon's the day before a large family gathering.
    Regards, David.


    From:
    Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.29pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about. The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year. When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght. Ciao.


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.58pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design






    From:
    Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.10pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you. You have to be a fucking smart arse about it. All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few fucking hours.


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.25pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Dear Simon
    Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience. For free. With pie charts. Usually when people don't ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my apartment, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living. Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of "Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that", this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.
    Regards, David.


    From:
    Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.43pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    What the fuck is your point? Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.02pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design




    From: Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.13pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Do not ever email me again.


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.19pm
    To: Simon Edhouse
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.
    Regards, David.


    From:
    Simon Edhouse
    Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.27pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

    Get fucked.





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    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    Elite Member Kittylady's Avatar
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    Another one from the same site

    From: Robert Schaefer
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 9.11am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Artwork

    Hello David, Can you send me the artwork for our business cards you did last year. Finsbury Press has asked for the original files. I need the artwork before Wednesday so either this afternoon or tomorrow is fine.Thanks Rob


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 10.24am
    To: Robert Schaefer
    Subject: Re: Artwork

    Hello Bob,
    I have received your email but no longer work for that agency. Due to client account management that could be likened to that German dance where men in tights slap each other, the agency went from a thriving business with over forty clients to basically trading while insolvent. As there were very few clients, I spent most of the day playing a game called 'Staring at the wall wondering what happy people are doing' and answering calls by either ending each sentence with 'over' like talking on a walkie talkie then making that "kchsssch" noise or pretending to be a confused Cantonese woman. Once, I locked my office door and spent the day nude.In a last ditch effort to retain the few remaining accounts we had, we sent invitations to join us at a charity dinner to provide musical instruments for starving children. The dinner started normally with Thomas, the business owner, talking about his hair and a staff member leaving in tears after being accused of stealing, but went downhill from there. By his fifth scotch, the entire table, including the Managing Director of McDonald's, sat in embarrassed silence as Thomas cried while telling a story about how, when he was twelve, his dog Trevor died of testicular cancer. By scotch ten, Thomas had vomited onto the leg of the CEO of Bridgestone and perforated the marketing manager of Kellogg's arm with a fork while flamboyantly telling a story about his experience in a Phuket brothel.I penned my resignation the next day. While some may see this as the proverbial rat deserting a sinking ship, I prefer to think of it as quietly stepping out of a bathtub you have been sharing with four retarded children while they are busy arguing over who lost the soap.I would suggest contacting the agency and requesting your business card artwork before the owner swaps the art department computers for magic beans. Alternatively, if you would like me to recreate and send the files to you, I would be happy to help. I estimate this would take three hours at seventy five dollars per hour. Regards, David.


    From:
    Robert Schaefer
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 12.17pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Artwork

    It's Rob not Bob and I already emailed them and they said they don't have the files and to contact you. I'm not interested in what you do at charity events and I'm not paying you $225 for artwork when I already paid you for the artwork last year.


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 3.02pm
    To: Robert Schaefer
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Artwork

    Dear Bobajob,
    You paid the agency to provide artwork and I no longer work for that agency. While generally a frontline supporter of questioning logic, this support wavers drastically in the face of providing free work.A few years back, I bought my first four-wheel drive vehicle from a dealership. The salesman who did the paperwork was named Roger. While on a camping trip several months later with my nine year old offspring, I parked the vehicle on a dirt incline near a river and set up the tent. The next morning, we awoke to find it had rained - turning the dirt incline into a slippery mud incline - and the vehicle missing with four tyre-wide grooves leading to the edge of the river. Realising my mobile phone had been on the rear seat of the vehicle along with our box of food, we sought out an ATM by riding a Coleman® inflatable air mattress down the river for two days to the nearest town. I will admit that during the voyage the thought of eating my offspring crossed my mind on more than one occasion but this was less due to hunger than his constant complaining of "Why do I have to hold on to the back while you ride," "Are we there yet?" and "I can't feel my legs." Making it home and reporting the vehicle as 'stolen', I went shopping for a new one the following week. I did not to turn up at Roger's front door requesting a replacement vehicle for the one I lost. While it is entirely possible Roger may have nodded, sympathised and explained patiently the structure of modern commerce, it is more likely he would have just called me a dickhead. Also, while three hours at $75.00 does equate to $225.00, the total cost to recreate and sent your business card artwork would be $450.00 due to the Jumping Frog fee. Regards, David.


    From:
    Robert Schaefer
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 3.18pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Artwork

    You are seriously pissing me off now. I remember you from the meeting you were that idiot wearing a green Atari tshirt. Im NOT paying for work I have already paid for and 3 hours at $75.00 per hour is $225.00 NOT $450.00 - that is double. where the did you get double from and what the fuck is a jumping frog fee?


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 4.46pm
    To: Robert Schaefer
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Artwork

    Dear Bobsledder,
    I remember you from the meeting too (specifically your haggling over pricing and questioning why animated gifs can't be used on your business card) but no, sadly the Atari clad individual would have been the owner. Nearing forty, he felt retro t-shirts and trucker caps like the cool kids wear, disguised the fact. Once one has seen his size 40 lower-half squeezed into size 32 skinny jeans like two parallel overflowing cake icing funnels, it can never be unseen. I would have been the other idiot wearing a tie and feigning interest in your business card requirements by appearing to take notes but actually creating an itemised list of things I would rather be doing, starting with #1. Being shot in the neck with an arrow.Sometimes when I am in meetings, I imagine I am a robot programmed not to realise I am a robot and if the code word 'quantifiable' is mentioned, I will explode. I never do though. Other times I imagine I am a small Indian girl collecting water for my village in brightly painted clay pots.
    The Jumping Frog charge relates to an event early on in my career when I made the mistake of offering a client a fixed price for a two hundred page website. Once the design was signed off and the build completed over a three month period, the client requested that each page include a frog jumping around the screen because his wife liked frogs. Purchasing a frog from the local pet store and filming it by holding a camera above and a cigarette lighter behind to persuade it to jump, I spent the next two weeks incorporating it into every page of the website. A few days later, the client described the addition as "very annoying" and requested it be removed and replaced with a 3D animated frog jumping onto the screen, holding a thumb up, and speaking the words "jump on down and grab a bargain." After providing a quote for this, I was informed that the amendments would be made "under the original fixed price or no payment would be made at all." The next day, their home page was replaced with a single image of a frog giving the finger and a voice bubble stating "I jump for cash, bitch."After fifteen years in the design industry and realising the only difference between sitting in front of a computer facilitating client's requests and kneeling on the urine soaked floor of a truck stop bathroom giving five dollar blowjobs to men named Chuck is the amount of urine on the floor, the Jumping Frog fee has evolved from insurance against post-project client suggestion to client incentive to have somebody else do it. Regards, David.


    From:
    Robert Schaefer
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 5.09pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Artwork

    You have until 10am tomorrow morning to send me the business card artwork or you will hear from my lawyer. I am sick to death of dealing with you designers. Being able to draw and dressing like women doesn't make you special. You've got no idea who you are dealing with.


    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 5.37pm
    To: Robert Schaefer
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Artwork

    Dear Bobupanddown,
    That may be so but the label "some dick who wants free shit" does not require CSI profiling and while I am no lawyer, I question whether testimony comprising "I paid an agency to provide me files, I lost the files, I now demand some guy who used to work there give me new files" would have much legal standing but best of luck with that.I also question your dissatisfaction with the price I have quoted as I believe the original charge for your work by the agency was around eighteen hundred dollars. While the actual process would have consisted of ten minutes on iStock.com for the background, two minutes pretending to consider a typeface other than Helvetica and ten minutes putting it together, this is standard design industry practice and listed under Direction, Design and Build on the invoice. I do understand your objection to the established system of exchange of money for services though and personally envision a utopian future where it is replaced with interpretive dance. We agree on a particular style that seeks to translate particular feelings and emotions into movement and dramatic expression in exchange for groceries or business card artwork. And we all own jetpacks.
    In a moment of stupidity, I once agreed to design and built a website in exchange for yoga lessons. Contrary to what they would have you believe, you cannot actually embrace the sun as this would result in severe burns and your arms would need to be over one hundred and fifty million miles long. My favourite yoga move is the wriggly snake.Unfortunately, until I can pay my rent with mantras and expressing emotional intonations through grand eloquent movements and wide swooshes of the arms before spinning and dropping to the floor while wearing spandex, I will need cash. Regards, David.


    From:
    Robert Schaefer
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 5.44pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Artwork

    Fine. Send me the completed business card artwork tonight with an invoice.

    From:
    David Thorne
    Date: Monday 8 November 2010 5.49pm
    To: Robert Schaefer
    Subject: File attached.

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    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    I hope David is single.
    I don't care if he is gay, because I would be too busy laughing to miss intimate activity.
    If I ever meet him, Mr. McJag would be ditched and become a fond memory.
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    I am not sure why others have not discovered this jewel of a thread or maybe this is my Private Stock. I will be back re reading this many times.
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    Elite Member Just Kill Me's Avatar
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    I love him! I think there is a thread from long ago with his spider drawing to pay a bill.
    KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GOD DAMNED HONEY!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on, let's have lots of drinks.

    Fuck you all, I'm going viral.

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    Elite Member faithanne's Avatar
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    Is there a link? Someone sent it to me once, and the funniest thing I've ever read was the "Missing Missy" poster he did for a girl whose cat had run away. Off to google...

    ETA: OK well I can't work out how to post the whole thing but here's the link:

    http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html
    Last edited by faithanne; February 12th, 2011 at 02:47 PM. Reason: Found the link

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    Elite Member Just Kill Me's Avatar
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    Yeah, Missing Missy made me choke with laughter.
    KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GOD DAMNED HONEY!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on, let's have lots of drinks.

    Fuck you all, I'm going viral.

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    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    I am hurting from laughter. I am now reading the foggot one and must stop to take a nap, as Mr. is concerned for my well being.
    I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West

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    Elite Member bellini's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Just Kill Me View Post
    I love him! I think there is a thread from long ago with his spider drawing to pay a bill.
    That one is my favorite.


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    Elite Member SuriCruise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by faithanne View Post
    Is there a link? Someone sent it to me once, and the funniest thing I've ever read was the "Missing Missy" poster he did for a girl whose cat had run away. Off to google...

    ETA: OK well I can't work out how to post the whole thing but here's the link:

    "yeah thats not what I was looking for at all."
    oh my gosh I am violently laughing and crying (from laughing) reading this
    And so, I will keep fighting to make the US a more progressive, multi-cultural country, and my fight starts on GossipRocks - mikesandy

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    A*O
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    This is the funniest guy on the web. Google for lotsa links.
    I've never liked lesbianism - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    I love this guy!
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

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    Elite Member MsChiff's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Just Kill Me View Post
    Yeah, Missing Missy made me choke with laughter.
    OMG me too!!! I am dying in here!!! That is so freaking funny

    I'm going to save that to read everyday.. my stomach hurts from laughing.
    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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    Elite Member faithanne's Avatar
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    I can't be arsed looking it up, but the other hilarious one is where he has to write a note for his kid to not go to some religious thing or other, which should also come with a hysterical laughter warning.

  15. #15
    Elite Member MsChiff's Avatar
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    Is this it? "Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight."

    I have to go but I had to look it up and book mark it b/c he's a riot.
    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

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