"Top 10 Facebook Statuses That No One Gives A Shit About" by Rudy Mezzy on CollegeHumor
10) ____= Life.
Example: Rudy Mezzy is Starbucks=life <3333
I just don't really understand this one to be honest. Clearly, Starbucks is not "a life", maybe for the people that work there...but a simple "I less than three Starbucks" would certainly suffice. They get better...
9) Incorrect Grammar
Example: Rudy Mezzy is oh my god Bill Belichick your such an idiot. Why would you go for it when theyre team had Peyton Manning?
Wow, ok first of all before you call someone an idiot, make sure you can correctly identify them as a contraction instead of a possessive. Attend Elementary School before changing your status.
8) How Much You Drank Last Night
Example: Rudy Mezzy is blakd out frm jager jack vodka and shit.
Kill yourself. If you are trying to have fun by drinking that much, and the first thing you do when you wake up from your blackout is change your facebook status...just end it. Maybe a (Your Name) does not = Life would work here.
7) ALL CAPS
Example: Rudy Mezzy LOST WAS AMAZZZZIIINNNNGGGG!!!! OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE THAT SHOW!!!
I haven't used the Caps Lock key regularly since 5th grade, so either it's your favorite key, or you are going out of your way to hold Shift down for two sentences. Either way, we get it. You are annoying...calm down.
6) Quote That Clearly Does Not Apply To Your Life
Example: Rudy Mezzy "Love is the flower you've got to let grow."-John Lennon. So true.
Chances are you either saw this quote on someone else's profile or status or rummaged through quote websites to find it. Either way, we don't give a shit. We don't care if your are single, in a relationship, or whatever. If you think you can compare your life to someone like John Lennon, the only thing I want to know about you is how you feel about being hidden from my news feed. Actually, no...I don't even care about that.
5) How Little You Have Slept (editor's note: It's currently 4:21 AM)
Example: Rudy Mezzy got 2 hours of sleep. This should be fun...
Go back to sleep. Whatever you have to do, you delayed at least five minutes by opening Facebook, proabably checking your inbox and whatnot, reading some statuses, and then updating your own. Five minutes is usually a decent amount of sleep...if not, plan your schedule according to your sleep depravements and being a fucking adult.
Example: Rudy Mezzy 11 days!!
Why would you make this known to all your friends without making it known to all your friends? What do you have a fucking secret? You getting gender reassignment? If you're gonna make us read your status at least tell us what your counting down to. This saves commenters time so they don't have to write "til' what?" or "what happens in 11 days?" or "cute profile pic".
Example: Rudy Mezzy fml.
Really? Fuck YOUR life? I don't know if you know this, but there are people that don't have computers. Yeah, you know that million dollar slice of technology sitting in front of you...yeah, some people have never even seen one. So, think next time before you want to tell everyone how horrible your life is when your Blackberry gets wet. Fucking people.
2) Your Day
Example: Rudy Mezzy is shower, shave, class, lunch, class, practice, dinner, homework, dancing with the stars, bed.
If you honestly think that someone sees your status, prints it out, and runs a step by step checklist of your day...you should cancel your account. No one needs to know your 24-hour schedule. You would receive the same amount of attention as you would if you didn't update your status at all. Just add drive of cliff between "dinner" and "dancing with the stars", then people might care.
1) Song Lyrics
Example: Rudy Mezzy If you open up your mind. See what's inside. It's gonna take some time, to realize. But if you look inside, I'm sure you'll find. Over your shoulder you know that, I told you. I'll always be pickin' you up when you're down. So just turn around
Chances are that if you pick a song lyric with more than 8 words, no one will read it. Also, if you pick a song lyric that someone can't identify within the first 5 words....no one will read it either. The best song lyrics to choose are short rap lyrics. Also, just like in #6, these lyrics probably don't describe your life as much as you think they do. If you quote Poker Face, make sure you know what it's about before deciding to apply it to your online poker tournaments.