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Thread: Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

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    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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    Default Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

    Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

    Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other Sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. - Sue Lin Chong, Washington

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

    He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. -Joseph Romm, Washington

    She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. -Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. -Russell Beland, Springfield

    McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. -Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. -Roy Ashley, Washington

    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith,Woodbridge

    Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. -Russell Beland, Springfield

    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. -Unknown

    He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. -Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. -Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. -Jennifer Hart, Arlington

    The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. -Wayne Goode, Madison,AL

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. -Russell Beland, Springfield

    The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.-Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

    The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.-Unknown

    He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

    Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. -Sandra Hull, Arlington

    The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" -Jean Sorensen, Herndon

    Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. -Jerry Pannullo, Kensington

    The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

    The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

    He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. -John Kammer, Herndon

    Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. -Barbara Collier, Garrett ParkShe had a deep,

    throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. -Susan Reese, Arlington

    It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. -Marian Carlsson, Lexington

    The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. -J. F. Knowles, Springfield

    The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. -Jennifer Hart, Arlington

    The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. -Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

    The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. -Unknown

    He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. -Susan Reese, Arlington

    Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

    She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

    She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. -Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park

    Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. -Sue Lin Chong, Washington

    It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

    Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
    I'm open to everything. When you start to criticise the times you live in, your time is over. - Karl Lagerfeld

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    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    OMG! I have laughed myself sick-as a dog who chewed too much bubble gum.
    I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West

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    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. -Unknown

    Fabulous! I loved them all.

    "A massive penis means never having to say you're sorry". Mo

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    Elite Member Moongirl's Avatar
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    There's a contest about this, and I think these were some of the entries:
    Funny Metaphor And Simile Contest: So Bad, They're Good!

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    These originally came from a contest like that and not essays. The names have also been added later. They're apparently from the "Style Invitational" contest from the Washington Post newspaper, where they asked readers to submit items in the style of bad student essays. It apparently ran there in Summer 1995.

    snopes.com: Why English Teachers Die Young
    As Canadian as possible under the circumstances

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    "What's traitors, precious?" -- President Gollum

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    Elite Member WhateverLolaWants's Avatar
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    We make the 'bowling ball wouldn't' analogy at extended family gatherings all the time. 1995 sounds about right
    ----------------------------
    There will be times you might leap before you look
    There'll be times you'll like the cover and that's precisely why you'll love the book
    Do it anyway

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    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by twitchy2.0 View Post
    These originally came from a contest like that and not essays. The names have also been added later. They're apparently from the "Style Invitational" contest from the Washington Post newspaper, where they asked readers to submit items in the style of bad student essays. It apparently ran there in Summer 1995.

    snopes.com: Why English Teachers Die Young

    party pooper
    I'm open to everything. When you start to criticise the times you live in, your time is over. - Karl Lagerfeld

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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Yep. OFFICIAL party pooper.
    As Canadian as possible under the circumstances

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    "What's traitors, precious?" -- President Gollum

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    fgg
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    they still made me laugh!

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    Elite Member Just Kill Me's Avatar
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    I'm choking on my beverage.
    KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GOD DAMNED HONEY!!!!!!!!!!

    Come on, let's have lots of drinks.

    Fuck you all, I'm going viral.

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    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. -Unknown


    Can we make a guess that the author of that one was Miley Cyrus?

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    Elite Member yanna's Avatar
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    Doubt it, how old was Miley in 1995?

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    Twitchy 2.0 is right -- these are some of the (adult) winners of two Style Invitational humor contests in 1995 and 1999.

    And I'm glad you find them funny even if they were crafted by people who knew they were bad!

    Fortunately, The Style Invitational continues every week at The Style Invitational - The Style Invitational. We've had more than 500 contests since the ones above! The Style Invitational is published every Saturday in The Post's Style (features) section, and every Friday afternoon at about 3:30 Eastern time. There's a wide variety of humor, but it's always very clever and usually edgy.

    For example, here are the top winners of our March 20 neologism contest: Every word had to include a block of three consecutive letters of the alphabet — backward.
    Flingpong: Having your own affair to get even with a cheating spouse. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

    Burpon: Carbonated whiskey. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

    Zyxzag: Path created during a DWI test when the cop makes you walk 20 steps while reciting the alphabet in reverse. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
    Intellectual DCbility: The newly revised term for “governmental retardation.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)


    As for other kinds of humor, the newest results (April 10, 2010) are for wry definitions or descriptions of things or people in exactly 10 words.

    Among the winners:



    La Leche League: Front organization dedicated to promoting the kindness of human milk. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
    Elin Nordegren: Had Tiger by the tail. Now has a different grip. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)
    Thesaurus: Language reference to help people find exactly the wrong word. (Ron Averyt, Severn)
    Historical revisionism: Now the past has been torched by a new generation. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
    Advice: Opinions sought to confirm the correctness of our bad ideas. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
    Amnesia: A mental condition that, for all you know, you've experienced. (Russell Beland)

    See the rest of the winners and learn how to enter the new neologism contest -- to "spoonerize," or rearrange, a word or name to make a new one -- at The Style Invitational - The Style Invitational. Or you can become a fan of "Washington Post Style" on Facebook (go to Washington Post Style | Facebook ) and you'll get a link to the Invitational when it's posted. I hope you become a regular reader and maybe even a regular entrant.

    Best,
    The Empress of The Style Invitational
    The Washington Post

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