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Thread: Calvin Klein's crotch-enhancing jeans

  1. #1
    Elite Member WhoAmI's Avatar
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    Default Calvin Klein's crotch-enhancing jeans

    By Michael Miller
    October 13, 2009 | 6:44 p.m

    Size matters. But if you don’t have it, just trick people into thinking you do with a little cleverly constructed fabric. That’s the promise of the new Body by Calvin Klein Jeans—retail price, $79.50—with their “body-defining fit for an enhanced profile.” With some padded-fly trickery, Body Jeans presumably gives guys the optical illusion of more horsepower underneath their hood.



    As a loyal wearer of androgynous skinny jeans for five years now, I’m almost insulted that Calvin Klein thinks I can’t handle this situation on my own. Yes, I saw the ads in Union Square with a greased-up Eva Mendes and Jamie Dornan rubbing up against each other and calling attention to their, um, respective centers of gravity. I even saw Mr. Dornan’s embarrassingly large package. But I was skeptical. Even after a source at Calvin Klein said the product was doing “really well.”

    It was off to the Calvin Klein Collection for some clarity.

    I stormed through the glass doors on Madison Avenue like a man possessed. (Well, actually, a very kind doorman opened them for me.) Calvin Klein has spearheaded the battle of the bulge in its underwear department for years. But jeans are something different altogether. I pulled a pair off the shelf and laid them out by the window to get a better view.

    “It definitely boosts things,” said David Cook, who works at Calvin Klein Collection. We stared at the jeans together like two forensic scientists. Mr. Cook explained to me that the jeans are geared to a younger set.

    This makes sense. During the summer of 2009, hipster fashion—of which the skinny jean is perhaps the greatest symbol—became the property of the mainstream media. The New York Times discussed hipsters’ beer bellies. Time ran a you’ve-gotta-be-kidding-me article about hipsters being “ripe for parody.” Even The Wall Street Journal ran a lengthy piece about the plight of fashion-conscious men wearing tight pants.

    The Calvin Klein Body Jeans, with its emphasis on male enhancement, suggests that the entire point of wearing ultra-tight pants is not sartorial trendsetting, but really to show the world whatcha workin’ with—part of a counterculture ethos left over from Robert Plant’s spray-painted-on jeans in the late ’60s.

    I inspected the pants more closely: A dark wash, with wrinkles around the pockets, leading right to the crotch, an extra layer of fabric around the fly, creating a kind of water bra for your little friend.

    “Would you wear these?” I asked Mr. Cook.

    “I lack a butt,” he said, and slapped his behind. “When I tried them on, it was like a cliff back there.”

    He should have tried the women’s jeans, designed to enhance your tuchis instead of your schmeckel. But isn’t the entire point of the unisex skinny jean’s assimilation into mainstream fashion to assign the jeans a gender? No longer would men have to walk with great discretion through the women’s section to buy pants. They could just go to Calvin Klein, manhood intact.

    Still skeptical, I headed to the cavernous halls of Macy’s. There was another picture of Mr. Dornan, greased up and giving me a hard time. I stared once again at the slogan: “An enhanced profile.”

    “The first time I heard that, I thought it was a joke!” said Ray Lopez, a Macy’s sales attendee. “I was like, is that why they’re selling?”

    Mr. Lopez confessed to buying a pair himself.

    “When I first tried them on, it was like, ‘Whoa! Do other people notice this?’”

    But that day, he was wearing some pretty baggy pants.

    “You feel more confident,” Mr. Lopez said. “You have people who wear the skinny jean, and the only thing you see is the bulge. These work with the whole body.”

    And then: “Would you like to try a pair?”

    “Sure,” I said. An instrumental, smooth jazz version of the Beatles’ “Come Together” began playing on the speakers as I walked to the dressing room, clutching the Body Jeans like a secret.

    They were a breakthrough! Such comfort, such support! And yes, my confidence was bigger! It looked bigger, at least.
    Something Is Getting Between Him and His Calvins | The New York Observer

  2. #2
    Elite Member L1049's Avatar
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    Was it George from Seinfeld that had the 'tenting' problem, or am I thinking of some other show?

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    Silver Member Abbey Normal's Avatar
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    I guess if women have padded and push-up bras, this is fair.
    ...of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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    Elite Member Rondette's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by L1049 View Post
    Was it George from Seinfeld that had the 'tenting' problem, or am I thinking of some other show?
    Hah, that was 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'

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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Ugh, men should not be allowed to have false advertising like this. Yeah, I'm being sexist. Shut up.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

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    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greysfang View Post
    Ugh, men should not be allowed to have false advertising like this. Yeah, I'm being sexist. Shut up.
    Yes, you are. I feel the same way about push up bras, water bras, girdles & shit like that! It's all false advertising! You never know what the fuck you're gonna wake up with anymore - that used to be something that men had to worry about & now we're getting it too....
    Kill him.
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    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
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    twitchy molests my signature!

  7. #7
    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Yeah, but if a chick turns out to have small titties, short hair, and back fat, the sex will still be successful. On the other hand, if the dude has a micro-peen...
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

    http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic4098_9.gif Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  8. #8
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    if he has micro peen then they both get to laugh at each other. I personally need to see a well-hung man with a pair of these jeans on - that might be enough to keep the bug fuckers at bay!
    Kill him.
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    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
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    twitchy molests my signature!

  9. #9
    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    How are they going to pad the crotch without making it look like the dude's wearing a diaper?
    "Creepy, like when Tom Cruise laughs." - Bloodhound Gang

    "I don't know anyone who likes Justin Bieber." - Seth Rogen

  10. #10
    Elite Member ConstanceSpry's Avatar
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    Maybe these are for guys who are growers, not show-ers.

  11. #11
    Elite Member witchcurlgirl's Avatar
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    International Male cornered the market on crotch padded undies years ago



    UNDERGEAR® Shape Enhancer Boxer Brief
    Redefine your look in seconds! Get dramatic results from a padded front that promises a fuller, beefier silhouette. A defining center back seam that separates and creates a rounder appearance. Hipster back for ample coverage. Cotton/spandex. Machine wash. Imported.

    Undergear®Shop by Department: - undergear.com

    they even do padded ass stuff

    All of God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

  12. #12
    Elite Member Daphne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rondette View Post
    Hah, that was 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'
    I remember that episode. Larry David called it a joner.

  13. #13
    Elite Member Mel1973's Avatar
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    Totally off topic: but I recently discovered Curb your Enthusiasm & I love that fucking GUY!
    Kill him.
    Kill her.
    Kill It.
    Kill everything... that IS the solution!
    П(•_•)П
    twitchy molests my signature!

  14. #14
    Elite Member chartreuse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rondette View Post
    Hah, that was 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'
    that was such a great episode!
    white, black, puerto rican/everybody just a freakin'/good times were rollin'.


  15. #15
    Elite Member darksithbunny's Avatar
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    I for one don't like camel toe. I wish this could be fixed.

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