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Thread: ATTN Twilight fans: Sparkly vampire dildo (SFW No pics)

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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Default ATTN Twilight fans: Sparkly vampire dildo (SFW No pics)

    The latest ridiculous Twilight product? A sparkly dildo.




    by Tasha Robinson August 20, 2009
    Because the world just didn't have enough hilarious attempts to cash in on the Twilight phenomenon yet, a California sex-toy company has taken the obvious next step by introducing, yes seriously, a Twilight-themed dildo. "The Vamp" is a realistic-looking silicone cock, but "with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow." (That oh-so-subtle attempt to evoke Twilight without using the world "Twilight" continues through the product copy, in increasingly pointless ways: "Don't let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.") And yes, of course it does have that authentic Twi-vamp touch: It sparkles in sunlight.
    Never mind that the whole point of the books is the girl not fucking the vampire for hundreds upon hundreds of angsty pages. Tantus Inc. (motto, available on a T-shirt: "Make dildos, not war!") knows what Twilight readers really want: To skip to the series climax (so to speak) and get it on with something sparkly and rigid that doesn't have a pulse. The order page even notes that "The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience." Unfortunately, the "authentic experience" would actually include a lot of glowering, threats of murder, and offhanded put-downs of the user.
    Maybe the next one can come with a voice-chip that plays pre-recorded discouraging messages like "You're just like food to me, you stupid lamb" and "You're so clumsy and useless, it's a wonder you can even get this thing where it's supposed to go." First, though, Tantus should put out a fur-covered dildo for Team Jacob fans. Because no Twilight pandering is too much Twilight pandering.
    Incidentally, we found this via Videogum, where the appalled commentary is downright hilarious: "For people who want to fuck teenagers with frozen dicks who can fly."
    Source: The latest ridiculous Twilight product? A sparkly dildo. | Books | A.V. Club



    The Vamp $39.99
    DESCRIPTION | SPECS | EXPERT ADVICE

    Updated by popular request... Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.
    JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn't love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That's what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night.
    The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow. Since it's a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus' own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.
    The Vamp is a web only exclusive offering through TantusInc.com for $39.99. We are currently taking pre-orders for this one of a kind toy. We will be shipping them first come first serve starting 9/1/09. Don't let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.



    Size Length: 6.75" Diameter: 1.55"

    And it SPARKLES!
    Tantus suggests the following movies if you enjoy The Vamp. Talk about Expert Advice!
    • The Lost Boys
    • Fright Night 1 and 2
    • Twilight
    • Interview with the Vampire
    • Bram Stoker's Dracula
    • True Blood TV Series
    • Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV Series
    • Angel TV Series
    Tantus Direct: The Vamp <- pictures of its pale sparkliness here


    Product Rating:
    Last edited by twitchy2.0; August 21st, 2009 at 11:41 AM.

    "The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

    -- Stephen Hawking

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    Elite Member L1049's Avatar
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    I wonder if you can beat the ever loving shit out of someone with said sparkly cock without leaving any bruises?

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    Elite Member Karistiona's Avatar
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    Freakin awesome. I totally need one. It will then be my life now, and I will feel very protective of it. where is MarieSoliel when you need her!
    I smile because I have no idea what's going on

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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    In her room with The Vamp.

    "The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

    -- Stephen Hawking

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    Elite Member Honey's Avatar
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    It does have a nice shimmer to it

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    Elite Member Karistiona's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by twitchy2.0 View Post
    In her room with The Vamp.
    Well she could have let us know where to get one of our own before she buggered off....literally
    I smile because I have no idea what's going on

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    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    Man, she's really going to hate us when she gets back.

    "The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

    -- Stephen Hawking

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    Elite Member Karistiona's Avatar
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    Nah she'll be too blissed out from her frosty fun!
    I smile because I have no idea what's going on

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    Elite Member Mariesoleil's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Karistiona View Post
    Freakin awesome. I totally need one. It will then be my life now, and I will feel very protective of it. where is MarieSoliel when you need her!
    I am here! About 6 months later LOL

    Quote Originally Posted by twitchy2.0 View Post
    In her room with The Vamp.
    Quote Originally Posted by Karistiona View Post
    Well she could have let us know where to get one of our own before she buggered off....literally
    You bitches LOL

    Quote Originally Posted by twitchy2.0 View Post
    Man, she's really going to hate us when she gets back.
    Yes, yes I too

    Quote Originally Posted by Karistiona View Post
    Nah she'll be too blissed out from her frosty fun!
    I laughed so hard when I saw this piece of crap lol.
    "Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers."

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