ATTN Twilight fans: Sparkly vampire dildo (SFW No pics)

twitchy2.0 · August 21st, 2009, 09:30 AM

The latest ridiculous Twilight product? A sparkly dildo.

by Tasha Robinson August 20, 2009
Because the world just didn't have enough hilarious attempts to cash in on the Twilight phenomenon yet, a California sex-toy company has taken the obvious next step by introducing, yes seriously, a Twilight-themed dildo. "The Vamp" is a realistic-looking silicone cock, but "with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow." (That oh-so-subtle attempt to evoke Twilight without using the world "Twilight" continues through the product copy, in increasingly pointless ways: "Don't let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.") And yes, of course it does have that authentic Twi-vamp touch: It sparkles in sunlight.
Never mind that the whole point of the books is the girl not fucking the vampire for hundreds upon hundreds of angsty pages. Tantus Inc. (motto, available on a T-shirt: "Make dildos, not war!") knows what Twilight readers really want: To skip to the series climax (so to speak) and get it on with something sparkly and rigid that doesn't have a pulse. The order page even notes that "The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience." Unfortunately, the "authentic experience" would actually include a lot of glowering, threats of murder, and offhanded put-downs of the user.
Maybe the next one can come with a voice-chip that plays pre-recorded discouraging messages like "You're just like food to me, you stupid lamb" and "You're so clumsy and useless, it's a wonder you can even get this thing where it's supposed to go." First, though, Tantus should put out a fur-covered dildo for Team Jacob fans. Because no Twilight pandering is too much Twilight pandering.
Incidentally, we found this via Videogum, where the appalled commentary is downright hilarious: "For people who want to fuck teenagers with frozen dicks who can fly."
Source: The latest ridiculous Twilight product? A sparkly dildo. | Books | A.V. Club

The Vamp $39.99
DESCRIPTION | SPECS | EXPERT ADVICE

Updated by popular request... Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.
JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn't love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That's what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night.
The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow. Since it's a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus' own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.
The Vamp is a web only exclusive offering through TantusInc.com for $39.99. We are currently taking pre-orders for this one of a kind toy. We will be shipping them first come first serve starting 9/1/09. Don't let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.

Size Length: 6.75" Diameter: 1.55"

And it SPARKLES!

Tantus suggests the following movies if you enjoy The Vamp. Talk about Expert Advice!