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Thread: Assorted Jokes

  1. #1
    Hit By Ban Bus!
    Join Date
    Aug 2009

    Default Assorted Jokes

    Okay here's a few jokes for you.

    Guy walks into a bar,barman sez "What wud you like to drink sir?"

    "A pint of beer please."

    "That's £3.00 mate," sez the barman.

    "Pardon,it was you who asked me what i wanted to drink,i didnt say a word,so i aint paying a penny okay."

    Barman is fuming,but the next guy in the Q is a lawyer and he sez "Actually,he is quite correct,it was you who asked him what he wanted,so legally,he is correct."

    "Right,when you are both finished drinking,get out of here,you are both barred from this pub.!!!"

    A year later,same guy walk's into the bar,barman sets his beady eyes on him right away. "Hey you,scram,i barred you from here,remember."

    Guy replies,"So sorry guv,but i aint been in this place in my whole life,honestly."

    "Gawd almighty,you must have a double then."

    "Thanks,2 whiskies will do fine."
    There was a Marine deployed into Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back.

    So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

    "I don't remember which one you are, please remove your picture and send the rest back!
    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

    He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

    'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

    Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

    Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

    Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

    Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

    Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

    Dog: 'Yep'

    Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

    Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

    Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

    Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

    Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

    Horse: 'Cool'

    Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

    Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

    Horse: 'Yep'

    Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

    Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

    Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

    Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'
    Dear Lord,................. I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting when my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

    Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

    Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

    Recalling some long ago Sunday school admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked.' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

    Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person'!

    so i did,and that's why i ended up like this.

  2. #2
    Hit By Ban Bus!
    Join Date
    Aug 2009


    Forgot to add these.

    A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

    He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, as he's on a bonus for bins emptied he goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

    There's no answer so he knocks again.

    Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

    "Harro", says the happy jappy chappy.

    "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

    "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

    Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and
    says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

    "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man

    "Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...Where's your
    wheely bin?"

    "OK, OK" , says the guy, "I wheely bin having wank"
    Mafioso boss Al Cappocci decided to rob one more bank before he retired,so he gathers his 3 trustworthy gansters and tells them to make it a biggun.

    2 weeks later,they rob a bank in Noo Yoik and Al is over the moon,but a week later,he finds out that the $5 million has suddenly disappeared.

    He interogates the 3 of them,but one is deaf and dumb,so he has to hire a guy who can do sign language.

    First up is Joe the Mo,so named because he mows down everything that cums in front of him.

    "Okay Joe,where is the dosh."

    Joe says, "Eh i dunno boss honest." so Al gets his 8 mm gun out and shoots him in front of everyone.

    Next up is Rat a tat tat Pat,so called cos he luvs machine guns.

    "Okay Pat,same question,money,where is it hidden."

    "B b b b oss,i swear i donno,seriously am tellin ya da truth."

    Bang,dead Pat.

    So he says to the guy who does the signs to ask Mikey what happened to the dosh.

    After they both make hand signals,the guy says the deaf n dumb guy aint got a clue.

    Out cums the gun again,"I am gonna say this just once more,tell him to tell me where he has the money sonny."

    The guy once more does the same thing and finds out the dosh is hidden ina locker room at 222 The Bronx,Noo Yoik."

    "Okay,didja find out what he said,"

    "As a matter of fact i did,he said,you havent got the guts to shoot him.
    It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
    'And what does your Daddy do'
    'He's a magician'
    'That must be exciting, what tricks can he do'
    'He can saw people in half'
    'That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters'
    'Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters'
    Anyone like Joe Cocker,if so then watch this,it's brill.

    Joe Cocker

    40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
    St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying, 'I've got 40
    travellers here. Can I let them in?'
    God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose
    between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen
    Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've
    gone', he tells God.
    'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
    'No, the bloody gates.
    A Scotsman,Englishman,and an Irishman are all captured by the Injuns.

    Head Chief says,'You are all granted one last wish.'

    So the Englishman asks for a Yorkshire Pudding,get's it,eats it and waits in the corner till it's his time for the pot.

    Irishman asks for a pint of Guinness,drinks it and waits in the corner for the pot.

    Scotsman asks for 2 slices of bread so along it comes,everyone is totally baffled but watches what Jock is doing.

    He takes out his wully,starts to toss his caber,then proceeds to put his load on the bread.

    'You can go free.'

    Englishman and Irishman ask why he get's off Scot free, 'He cum in peace.' says the chief.


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