Okay here's a few jokes for you.
Guy walks into a bar,barman sez "What wud you like to drink sir?"
"A pint of beer please."
"That's £3.00 mate," sez the barman.
"Pardon,it was you who asked me what i wanted to drink,i didnt say a word,so i aint paying a penny okay."
Barman is fuming,but the next guy in the Q is a lawyer and he sez "Actually,he is quite correct,it was you who asked him what he wanted,so legally,he is correct."
"Right,when you are both finished drinking,get out of here,you are both barred from this pub.!!!"
A year later,same guy walk's into the bar,barman sets his beady eyes on him right away. "Hey you,scram,i barred you from here,remember."
Guy replies,"So sorry guv,but i aint been in this place in my whole life,honestly."
"Gawd almighty,you must have a double then."
"Thanks,2 whiskies will do fine."
There was a Marine deployed into Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back.
So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are, please remove your picture and send the rest back!
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'
Dear Lord,................. I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting when my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday school admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked.' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person'!
so i did,and that's why i ended up like this.