Overheard in New York | The Voice of the City
Retail Therapy Soothes Even the Most Troubled Upper East Side Soul
Upper-East-Side lady on cell: I know, but I was at a funeral all day...Yeah, it was sad, but I really didn't know him at all...This saddest thing was seeing his daughters upset. They're the same ages as--Wow! This shirt is only $19!! You can't even buy a freaking Frappuccino for $19! I'm getting it in blue.
--Banana Republic, 86th & 3rd
So He Broke into the Lubelski, Followed by a Vigorous Polka
Little girl, pointing to grab holds: Look, Dad, monkey bars!
Little boy: I wanna play on the pole! No, you can't too, this is my pole!
Dad: Bobby, everyone can play on the pole!
Little girl: Bobby, go back to your pole!
Little boy: Fine! Look, Dad, I'm a pole dancer!
--PATH train, World Trade Center
Feminism Didn't Die, It's Living Comfortably as a Stay-at-Home Mom in White Plains
Girl #1: I am like, totally addicted to Days of our Lives.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I am so fucked up, because this one character totally got fired and they put another guy in his place. I can't even watch him, because, you know, he's not the same guy.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, it's really fucked up my TV viewing schedule. I mean, what am I going to watch, one of the judge shows?
Girl #2: Well, you could go to class or study instead....
Girl #1: I don't need to. I'm studying to be a second wife. That girl's shoes are so cute. They would match my bag. Excuse me, where'd you get those shoes?
Girl #3: My husband.
Girl #1: See, class dismissed.
--53rd St & 3rd Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Make the Beast With Two Backs
Conductor, angrily: Yo, stand clear o' the closing doors o' my choo-choo!
Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!
--57th & 7th
Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you've got trouble on your hands.
Orthodox Mormons Have All the Fun
Guy on cell: Hello?...What do you mean you have bad news?...You're pregnant? How could you be pregnant?...I thought you were on the Pill? How did this happen?!...I just got engaged to your sister on the 4th of July...This is really bad news...How long have you known?...A week?! Why did you wait a week to tell me?...Your sister is going to go through the roof...No, she doesn't come back until Monday...So, I'll see you tonight?...I told you, I just got engaged to your sister. You can't be pregnant...Okay, have a good afternoon.
He makes another call.
Guy on cell: Hey...You know Claire*?...Yeah, Lauren's* sister...Yeah, the hot one...Well, she's pregnant...Me!
--46th between 5th & 6th
But Now It's a Box of Parts on Their Way to Mexico
Cop, taking report of stolen car: Ok, what was the color, make and model?
Metro Guy: It's cranberry and...
Cop: Cranberry's something you eat, son, your car was red.
Witty Repartee Is One of the First Things to Go When the Brain Doesn't Get Enough Glucose
Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn't afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn't afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]
--Uptown E train
How Jared Was Shamed Into Living
Kid on cell: I am about to kill myself because of you!
Hobo in wheelchair: Do it! Do it! You haven't got the balls!
--Prince between Mulberry & Mott
Born-Again Brain Teaser
God Squad lady: Praise Jesus! You won't be saved without Jesus! You have to start believing in Jesus to be saved! Jesus will always be there for you!
Suit #1: Would it be so awful if we pushed her out when the doors open?
Suit #2: No. Jesus will save her.
And All the Proofreading in the World Can't Save Me
Young man: I think you should have put LIFE and not LIVE on your sign.
Jesus freak, holding sign reading THROUGH JESUS WILL YOU FIND ETERNAL LIVE: Oh, thank you. Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?
Young man: No, I'm a dirty Jew. I'm going to hell.
--42nd & 7th