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Thread: New Rules

  1. #1
    A*O
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    Default New Rules

    Since the last Rant thread was pulled because of a SOHBS (Sense Of Humour Bypass Situation) I will put this one in the LAUGHS forum so anyone who is unclear about these things knows it's supposed to be FUNNY OK???

    Bill Maher wrote these but I agree with them so it's MY rant too:

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule: There's no suc! h thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be ! there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
    I've never liked lesbianism - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
    Dame Edna Everage

    Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right.

  2. #2
    Elite Member mtlebay's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    Oh rough! Some of them are so true--made me laugh out loud, esp. the last one.
    Go Habs Go!!

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Tati's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    HAHAHAHAHA! I laughed out loud at the 5th, 7th and 9th ones!
    If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.

    - Kahlil Gibran

  4. #4
    Elite Member Barbara's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    Good rules!!!
    Nope.

  5. #5
    Hit By Ban Bus! pacific breeze's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    A*O, I take issue with the fact that you are racist/prejudiced/making fun/ not treating as equals/being flippant/mocking those unfortunates who through no fault of their own, suffer from SOHBS.

    This syndrome is misunderstood, but becoming ever more prevalent in our society as people bend over backwards to find new and increasingly bizarre ways to take offense/be insulted/in high dudgeon over perceived slights to others and/or themselves due to SOHBS.

    These sad individuals are only happy when making sure that no other human being is allowed to poke fun/laugh/enjoy/engage in well-defined irony/satire or any other activity that might add levity or insight to the modern condition, such as a clearly designated rant/joke thread. Their SOHBS reaches its cumulative peak when everyone who does not suffer from their affliction is crushed by the weight of their peculiar illness by making sure that not a moment passes in their lives where they are not obsessing in some way over something that generally has NOTHING THE FUCK TO DO WITH THEM and causing other people to be miserable in the process. Thus, their SOHBS reduces them to true victim status, for which there is no cure, alas, except death.

    Thank you for allowing me to express this opinion, and I hope you rot in hell.

  6. #6
    A*O
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    Default Re: New Rules

    ^^^ No offence PB, but this is TEXTBOOK SOHBS. Not only do its victims suck any shred of fun from any given topic, they have NO IDEA that they have SOHBS in the first place so it's totally impossible to reason with them. The personally abusive signoff is a classic symptom too. I urge you to seek therapy.
    I've never liked lesbianism - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
    Dame Edna Everage

    Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right.

  7. #7
    Hit By Ban Bus! pacific breeze's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    Hehehehe. I think you are the one who needs therapy. Denial is a wonderful thing, but the need to poke fun at others, laugh and enjoy oneself at others' expense, including your own, is a twisted, sick way of dealing with reality. Much better to be a victim, because then, like me, you are ALWAYS RIGHT, and always morally superior.

    I feel sorry for you, and people like you. You're just jealous!

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    Elite Member Grimmlok's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    I miss my thread. *sob*

    (note the victim mentality )
    I am from the American CIA and I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you.

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    A*O
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    Default Re: New Rules

    You can come and play here Grimm until the SOHBS (pronounced 'sob') move in and steal the toybox again.
    I've never liked lesbianism - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
    Dame Edna Everage

    Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right.

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    Hit By Ban Bus! UndercoverGator's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    Quote Originally Posted by A*O
    You can come and play here Grimm until the SOHBS (pronounced 'sob') move in and steal the toybox again.
    I blame the SOHB-ism on Dubya. Might as well since we blame him for everything else.

    You might be a SOHB is you think Weird Al is just picking on those poor musical acts.

    You might be a SOHB if you don't buy Whoppers any longer because of the sexual subcontext in all those Burger King ads.

    You might be a SOHB if you put celebrities up on a pedestal and worship every dumb monosylabilistic word as the gospel.

    You might be a SOHB if you're hooked on phonics, sweatin' to the oldies, still lookin' for the beef or you've fallen and can't get up.

  11. #11
    A*O
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    Default Re: New Rules

    You might be a SOHB if you spend you time patrolling a superficial celebrity gossip board looking for things to take personal offence at.
    I've never liked lesbianism - it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
    Dame Edna Everage

    Just because you're offended doesn't mean you're right.

  12. #12
    Elite Member Glasgow53's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    D'yuh think?
    Keep passing the open windows.

  13. #13
    Hit By Ban Bus! UndercoverGator's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    You might be a SOHB if you keep posting the same dumb personal attack/arguement on every single frinkin' thread.

  14. #14
    Hit By Ban Bus! WickedHo's Avatar
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    Default Re: New Rules

    Quote Originally Posted by UndercoverGator
    I blame the SOHB-ism on Dubya. Might as well since we blame him for everything else.

    You might be a SOHB is you think Weird Al is just picking on those poor musical acts.

    You might be a SOHB if you don't buy Whoppers any longer because of the sexual subcontext in all those Burger King ads.


    You might be a SOHB if you put celebrities up on a pedestal and worship every dumb monosylabilistic word as the gospel.

    You might be a SOHB if you're hooked on phonics, sweatin' to the oldies, still lookin' for the beef or you've fallen and can't get up.
    Yo, the King in those ads FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT!!! Remember the first commercial, when the guy wakes up, and the King is in his bed, and there's an awkward moment, and the King gives him a burger, but we can't really see what his other hand is doing? Creeeeepy!!

    Very funny post, btw, Gator!

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    Default Re: New Rules

    OMG! The one about the bathroom attendant! This bugs the hell out of me. I went to New York in December, go to lunch at Taven on the Green, go to the bathroom and there's a lady in there and because she handed me a paper towel, I'm supposed to give her a dollar? She didn't wipe the seat before I sat down, I had to do it all by myself and no one gave me a dollar.

    Before that, you get to this place and it's mandatory that you check your coat, for which they CHARGE YOU A FRIGGIN' DOLLAR.

    Plus, the idiots walking around in really crappy costumes. They want a tip because they take your picture standing next to a homemade Spongebob who is SHOVED INTO THE CHRISTMAS TREE! My tip? Get a better looking Spongebob.

    I couldn't get over the number of people who felt entitled to a "tip" for doing the most insignifigant things.

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