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Thread: Madonna (Ciccone), our toxic goddess, returns

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    Default Madonna (Ciccone), our toxic goddess, returns

    Madonna, our toxic goddess, returns

    LYNN CROSBIE

    From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

    July 7, 2008 at 8:37 PM EDT

    ‘I saw him with his shirt off. … That was a big plus.”

    This is what Madonna said about meeting soon-to-be-ex-husband Guy Ritchie 10 years ago. This is also an obvious lie – the man is pale and gelatinous; the sort of pretty lie that people in love tell.

    So when she was recently revealed to be spending a great deal of time with the Yankees' third baseman Alex Rodriguez, a young, lean and muscular type, it seemed her marriage was over.

    Reverting to form, Madonna is falling back on the kind of dumb, sculpturally perfect men she enjoys between attempts to engage a serious, far homelier partner. (Madonna, however, issued a statement on Sunday publicly denying any romantic involvement with Rodriguez or that she is getting a divorce – claims that are apparently meaningless to A-Rod's wife, Cynthia, who filed for divorce yesterday, citing emotional abandonment.)

    The British tabs have been all over the Ritchie and Madonna marital problems for some time, which is unsurprising as they have only approximately 10 stars to stalk, and six of them are members of the Royal Family. Catching, say, Rhys Ifans or Emily Mortimer walking out of a bar obviously drunk is barely a story at all. America's lowest-level stars have more power than England's brightest: Would you rather see a video of Rupert Everett or David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger in an alcoholic stupor? Madonna was the best thing that ever happened to the country that made Victoria Beckham, a talentless stick figure, famous. For her to return to America and fall into Yankee Stadium is a wonderful “screw you” to the whole island.

    One wonders why she went there in the first place.

    Other aging female celebrities, most notably Cher, have tried the Europe ploy, soaked in the belief that the continent's men appreciate “women of a certain age.” Yet they tend to come back, fast and screaming. While everything about Madonna is, almost frighteningly, pop pastiche, it is safe to assume she has human emotions.

    I say this only because of the new episode of The Two Corys in which Corey Haim reads about himself on Defamer.com and cries: “Why, why do they write? Why can't they leave it alone?”

    The footage is a revelation, and most likely, Madonna, almost 50 and in a seemingly troubled marriage, as her brother prepares to publish a tell-all about her, is probably a little low. Possibly the worst gossip to emerge from the breakup stories is the idea that Ritchie's brilliant film career suffered because of his marriage – were he free, he could amaze us once again.

    Guy Ritchie is a terrible filmmaker! So loathsome and inept that Swept Away is, in my opinion, a personal best.

    Yet this is the standard mythology around the more-famous wife; this is the A Star Is Born gambit, which would have us believe that Snatch is a good movie. Not that Madonna's music is any bargain either: She just happens to be much better at creating the kind of hype that exceeds and transcends the product itself.

    Even as her life falls apart, she is taking care of business: She publicly “prayed” with Ritchie; asked Britney Spears to make an appearance on her upcoming Sticky and Sweet Tour, and, allegedly, spent several evenings with a perfect American male specimen.

    Her recent return to New York is good news, as she is quintessentially American and the country has suffered without her patented attacks on everything not epicene, far left and sexually inhibited. Worse, her development of a British accent and adoption of a frumpy nickname, “Madge,” made her, ultimately, as American as blood pudding: the nation's loss of its toxic goddess, Madonna Mobile warranted a new appreciation of her dreadful cover of the Don McLean lament American Pie.

    Then there was Kabbalah, a spiritual practice she never would have adopted had she been free to roam the States, luring street youths into her limo and fellating Evian bottles.

    Some speculation has called Madonna “whipped” in the marriage, which is hard to believe, on one hand (plausible only in a sexual act orchestrated by her), yet her children, her cloying children's books, her conversion and her dowdy clothes seemed part of an attempt to age like a true English matron.

    Her sudden rebirth, then, as a married-man-poaching baseball fan and Manhattanite make her seem a little more sticky, more dirty and sweet, as Marc Bolan might say of the lady built like a sleek car. Also, how many times can a woman say, “You are amazingly talented! The critics are mad!” before praying to Like A Prayer's hot Black Jesus for a new life?

    Madonna's tame side always craved domination (in the behind the scenes documentary Truth or Dare, she commended her former husband Sean Penn, who beat her and trussed her like a turkey, for his “balls.”) Does she wish to be dominated because she dominates everything else that she sees? Or has she always craved a certain straight legitimacy, impossible to attain when one is dry-humping a neon crucifix? Impossible to know, hard to muster up too much curiosity. I am just glad she's back, as I have missed her atrocious and infantile assaults on what she believes that I, all of us, hold sacred.

    She is a beautiful woman, wasted in the swamp that is England. Divorce is a sad thing, and not to be parsed with a switchblade. It breaks one's heart, not in its ending, but in recollections of a beginning where, one feels, as Madonna once sang, “I didn't know how lost I was till I found you.”

    Where, as Guy Ritchie, quoting poet Ted Hughes, may have embraced this blond babe and thought, “So this is America … Beautiful, beautiful America!”

    The Globe and Mail

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    Elite Member msdeb's Avatar
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    Madonna Madonna Madonna. yuck
    Basic rule of Gossip Rocks: Don't be a dick.Tati
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    Madonna embraced kabballawallahwallah prior to moving to England.
    'Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither.' Ben Franklin

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    something about the way that article was written made me a little ill.
    Don't slap me, cause I'm not in the mood!

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    What do they mean "returns"? She never goes the f*ck away.

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    meeting soon-to-be-ex-husband Guy
    i'll take you guy! i think he's cute

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    ^^Me too, Alice. I just wonder how I will ever got the nasty smell of Madonna cooter off his dick.

    My my, didn't we all just dip our tongues in some acid today.

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    you know english men are circumsized so that smell might be something else

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