US tabloid cover roundup for April 22, 2208

ingi · April 16th, 2008, 05:09 PM

US WEEKLY FOLLOWS MY ADVICE AND FEATURES SUPER-SLIM MARIAH CAREY!

Dear Janice,
Sometimes I feel like we have this connection!
No, I swear!
Late Monday night I was thinking about my predictions for the week, and knew you needed some help.
So, I posted this prediction, which said one of the weeklies should go for Mariah’s weight loss.
And you took my advice!
Why?

The timing is perfect (plus you did have an interview with her in the can)!
She’s been on Oprah, American Idol — basically everywhere looking AMAZING.
Back to this cover!
Great after picture coupled with an incredible before picture showing a slightly flabby Mariah Carey. (I love her either way!)
The line “How I Lost 20lbs” is basic - but it doesn’t matter. This cover will sell through the roof - even though the insets of this week’s cover SUCK!
Ashlee could be pregnant, engaged, getting plastic surgery and voted President of the United States. Nobody cares!
And Heidi Klum makes a RARE appearance on the cover of US Weekly. (Looks like someone was promised something to show up at Us Weekly’s event???)
Bottom Line: Huge winner for Us Weekly and Janice has no reason to be rattled this week. I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT NO OTHER CELEBRITY WEEKLY WENT FOR THIS AS A COVER STORY! What Boneheads! Mark Pasetsky’s Cover Awards » US WEEKLY FOLLOWS MY ADVICE AND FEATURES SUPER-SLIM MARIAH CAREY!
OK REPORTS THAT BRITNEY SPEARS “WILL” GET HER BOYS BACK!

Poor OK Magazine!
It looks like Sarah Ivens and the OK “reporting team” didn’t get the memo that Brit and Kevin were caught “kissing.”
Anyhow - the main line of this week’s OK is “I Will Get My Boys Back.”
And this line is horribly weak!
Why?

It’s not news!
Britney doesn’t have her kids. If she got her kids back, that would be NEWS. This statement is basically a future prediction.
Plus, the line “Now’s the time to put it right” is terribly awkward.

Let’s move to the insets.
Jess is jealous of Ashlee’s baby news. I actually like this inset and think it takes the Ashlee pregnancy story forward. It’s also believable.
And, boy does that Suri Cruise know how to spend money - a 20K birthday shopping spree!
Bottom Line: OK is lucky that it is the only magazine on the newsstand featuring Britney as its full cover. But, OK will still have a tough time reaching its rate base like the rest of 2008. Mark Pasetsky’s Cover Awards » OK REPORTS THAT BRITNEY SPEARS “WILL” GET HER BOYS BACK!
ASHLEE SIMPSON, ANGELINA JOLIE AND JAMIE LYNN SPEARS GAVE THEIR DIARIES TO LIFE & STYLE?

ALL THE SAME WEEK?

While this cover of Richard Spencer’s Life & Style looks pretty (yes I said the word pretty) — it’ll have a tough time on the newsstand.
Why?
The main line “Pregnancy Diaries” is totally unbelievable to me as a reader.
Why?

It’s the word “Diary” that is turning me off to this cover.
A diary is something you would never let out of your hands. It holds your deepest secrets.
How the hell would Life & Style get its hands on three of Hollywood’s most talked about stars’ diaries???
Pregnancy “News” would have been (I admit boring) but a stronger line.
In fact, the deks on each of these would have been stronger than using an overall cover line and would have made the cover look even CLEANER.
Bottom Line: Oh well! In the $2.99 category this week, Life & Style will continue to have a tough time on the newsstand - especially with sister publication declaring “It’s Over” for Tom and Katie. Mark Pasetsky’s Cover Awards » ASHLEE SIMPSON, ANGELINA JOLIE AND JAMIE LYNN SPEARS GAVE THEIR DIARIES TO LIFE & STYLE?

ingi · April 16th, 2008, 05:14 PM

KATIE HOLMES & TOM CRUISE: IT’S OVER SAYS RICHARD SPENCER’S IN TOUCH WEEKLY!

I’m stunned!
How could this be?
I will tell you how!
Last week, sagging numbers were reported for the entire celebrity weekly category!
In particular, In Touch Weekly is down 26 percent year-to-date on the newsstand. (In all fairness, the magazine did raise its price from $1.99 to $2.99 from the previous year.)
I predicted that we would begin to see desperate cover lines and here’s your first example. I didn’t realize it would happen so fast!

“IT’S OVER” is one of the most successful cover lines in celebrity weekly history.
If you can use this line, your sales will jump dramatically.
In Touch must be confident enough in the story - because this is a VERY STRONG STATEMENT!
So I took a peek and found out the truth.
Indeed, “IT’S OVER!” BUT, what’s over is “THE FAIRY TALE” between Tom & Katie.
Will the reader feel tricked? Absolutely. Does a magazine lose CREDIBILITY when it pulls a stunt like this? Absolutely.
I’d like to remind you that I predicted the celebrity weeklies would go for Tom & Katie troubles a few weeks ago when Radar published that explosive piece on Scientology!
In other news, In Touch features Heidi Montag saying “I want more surgery.”
While “IT’S OVER” is one of the strongest combination of words used on a cover — “WANT” is the WORST cover word ever!
I WANT to go outside, I WANT a tropical vacation, I want…you get the point. Everyone WANTS something that hasn’t happened yet.
And then we have Ashlee Simpson’s Baby News! Boring!
Bottom Line: Big sales for In Touch and disappointed readers. Mark Pasetsky’s Cover Awards » KATIE HOLMES & TOM CRUISE: IT’S OVER SAYS RICHARD SPENCER’S IN TOUCH WEEKLY!
STAR FEATURES TOM & KATIE’S TRIAL SEPARATION: THE FIGHT FOR SURI!

In Touch’s “IT’S OVER” cover is a hard act to follow.
And Candace Trunzo’s Star will be DESTROYED on the newsstand because In Touch’s cover line is so much stronger.
(Is any of this true? That’s not the issue right now!)

Star is claiming that Tom & Katie are having a “Trial Separation” and there is some sort of “Fight for Suri.”
With Star reporting marital troubles as well as In Touch, I thought that there must be something to this story.
So like I did with In Touch, I turned the pages as quickly as possible to get to the bottom of this and here’s what I found out!
According to Star, “Katie’s been offered a role on Broadway and was planning on taking an extended break from her hectic and controlled life with Tom and move to NYC with Suri, but Tom is doing everything he can to stop her. (HE’S HER HUSBAND SO HE PROBABLY WANTS TO BE WITH HER AND HIS KID.)
“Katie wants a SORT OF (Yes they used the words SORT OF - can you believe that BULLSHIT! SORT OF is CYA) trial separation…she desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there’s no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away,” an insider confides. If they “go to New York fine, but he (Tom) goes with” them.
So long short - Tom would miss Katie and Suri so much that he would go to New York with them.
In other news, it LOOKS like Brit and Kevin shared a romantic kiss on the beach.
Oh - don’t be fooled! (OK, I admit I was. I thought this was a new picture on the cover of Star.)
But inside the mag you learn that this apparent kiss happened when Britney stopped by Kevin’s house to see the boys.
On a somewhat related note, I’m hoping that Britney gets back together with Kevin. For some reason, the world would feel right again.
And Angie tells Star exclusively “Our kids think we’re dorks.” What a great, fun line!
Bottom Line: While the photo of Suri is cute, the cover line “The Fight for Suri” is not nearly as strong as In Touch’s line ”IT’S OVER.” Look for Star to decline on the newsstand this week. Mark Pasetsky’s Cover Awards » STAR FEATURES TOM & KATIE’S TRIAL SEPARATION: THE FIGHT FOR SURI!
THE GLOBE LOCKS UP THE SENIOR-CITIZEN MARKET WITH DORIS DAY COVER!

Tony Frost’s Globe screams “Doris Day Betrayed.”
And it’s the main cover?
Moving on.
Did you know that “Obama’s Wife is Ruthless and Controls Everything he Does?”
With the Pennsylvania primary coming up next Tuesday…

I would have taken a chance with this as the main cover.
Even more entertaining is the line underneath the Barack story - John McCain goes Berserk. I could totally see that happening.
Finally, poor Patrick Swayze is planning his funeral. How depressing is that?
Bottom Line: Stronger insets than main cover story! Mark Pasetsky’s Cover Awards » THE GLOBE LOCKS UP THE SENIOR-CITIZEN MARKET WITH DORIS DAY COVER!

Fluffy · April 17th, 2008, 12:27 AM

KatE looks so OLD in this photo! Like 35!

dangerous · April 17th, 2008, 12:57 AM

^I thought the same. She also looks empty and thoughtless.

I'm so sick of Mariah's weight loss story. Pulleaseeee... nothing is
gonna fix that mess of a face, and her body looks so strange in that
image! I'd also like to know what her "teenager" size is since she
likes to mention it so much. Her whole fake act bothers me.

Britney actually looks great in her candid.

AgentOrange · April 17th, 2008, 02:03 AM

Doris Days lovers named? Truman Capote once said of Day "I knew her before she was a virgin".

NicoleWasHere · April 17th, 2008, 05:31 AM

John Mccain went berserk? Someone forget to get him his applesauce, again?

AgentOrange · April 17th, 2008, 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NicoleWasHere

John Mccain went berserk? Someone forget to get him his applesauce, again?

I never realized that he was a man of such passion. I just though he was some inept ex pilot who crashed 4 or 5 planes in the service, and graduated near the bottom of his class. Say, that makes him sound like some sort of Col Klink.

Lalique · April 17th, 2008, 05:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AgentOrange

I never realized that he was a man of such passion. I just though he was some inept ex pilot who crashed 4 or 5 planes in the service, and graduated near the bottom of his class. Say, that makes him sound like some sort of Col Klink.

All he needs is the monocle!

ingi · April 17th, 2008, 07:17 AM

"Don't cry mommy, because I know you're a robot!"

cmmdee · April 17th, 2008, 08:22 AM

Mariah needs to gain some weight back. She doesn't look right that thin.
Britney hasn't looked that good since forever.
Katie looks dead... Her eyes. It's always the eyes.