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Thread: My Week by Heather Mills

  1. #1
    Elite Member NoNoRehab's Avatar
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    Apr 2007

    Default My Week by Heather Mills

    (Note: spoof! But funny as shit.)

    My Week: Heather Mills

    According to Hugo Rifkind

    So Iíve sacked my lawyer. Why not? Anyone can be a lawyer. In fact, I was a lawyer. I ran away from home when I was 11 and set up one of the most successful legal firms in the history of the North East of England. A child! I was a child!
    People call me a fantasist but they never saw me when I was getting murderers and paedophiles jailed when I was 10, basically like Ally McBeal. In fact they wanted me to be in Ally McBeal instead of that skinny bitch, but I said no. I was too busy promoting vegetarianism, which I invented.
    I donít care about the money. I donít even need money. If I didnít have any money I could make anything I wanted: clothes, food, probably even a boat.
    Iíve had death threats! Donít forget about Marilyn Monroe. They killed Gandhi, they killed JFK, where is it going to end? Iíd be happy with hardly any money. Fifty million, maybe a hundred. And I want a house.
    Iíve got rid of my plumber too. If he can be a plumber, I can be a plumber. You think I canít plumb? I left home when I was 7. Iím only thinking of my daughter. Iím thirsty and my carpets are wet. Maybe I should just jump off a cliff so she could be with Paul and everybody would be happy. Actually, somebody once threw me off a cliff. Yes! The highest cliff in the world. I was fine. Although not emotionally. But does anybody care about that?
    I donít have a lawyer but I do have a personal trainer, a hairdresser, a bodyguard, a make-up artist, my sister, my driver, my manicurist and my stylist. They all come with me to court. The papers think Iím just showing off. Theyíre on Paulís side.
    Nobody knows the truth. When Iím not here any more, youíll all be sorry.
    Iím in front of a mirror at home, practising how to shout and pout at the same time.
    Look what we are doing to Kate McCann, for Godís sake! Look at Princess Diana! Do you know what it is like to be a veal calf? Iím in a prison! A prison! Three years of lies! Whatís £60 million to him? I left home when I was 6 years old!
    ďPerhaps,Ē suggests my chiropodist, ďthe judge would prefer you to stick to the point?Ē So Iíve sacked my chiropodist too. At Christmas, they chop off the turkeysí beaks. Are you okay with that? Because Iím not.
    Iím just trying to protect Paul. If I wanted money, Iíd just go and work in a bank. You think I havenít had offers? I love him but itís time to go it alone. Does he have cameras in his face all day? Would we treat a battery hen like this?
    The things I have been accused of! I didnít kill my neighboursí dog! And donít think I donít know what it is like to be a photographer. I probably used to be one. I probably won awards.
    People are dying! So Iíve sacked the paparazzi and Iím doing that myself too. Iíve sacked everybody. You think itís easy to wave a camera in your own face?
    When Iím my own driver, and my own bodyguard, and my own make-up artist and my own sister too? Would a murderer have to do that? Would a paedophile? Iíve had enough! Iím going to sack Paul and divorce myself. Iím only thinking of my daughter. Ninety per cent of global warming comes from cows! I left home before I was born. You people make me sick.

    My Week: Heather Mills - Times Online

  2. #2
    Elite Member cheray's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Savannah, GA, USA


    No wonder she left home early. She cant stand herself. Hysterical.
    Jack I swear.

  3. #3
    Elite Member witchcurlgirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007


    really really funny!!!!
    It's no longer a dog whistle, it's a fucking trombone

    All of God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

    If I wanted the government in my womb I'd fuck a Senator

  4. #4
    Elite Member Honey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006


    Haha very funny, sums her up well

  5. #5
    Elite Member aabbcc's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Watching the sun set over Lake Superior.


    I left home before I was born.

  6. #6
    Elite Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    The Edge of the Annex


    excellent funny! (except about the turkey beaks, which is wrong)

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