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Thread: Report: Jeremy Piven sucks at going down

  1. #1
    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Default Report: Jeremy Piven sucks at going down

    Tuesday, March 27th 2012
    Jeremy Piven's Head Skills Suck




    Sarah Tressler is a professional pussy poppin' stripper who works as a society columnist for the Houston Chronicle by day, and her colleagues are apparently all kinds of pissed at her, because she openly writes about her night job on her blog Diary of an Angry Stripper (book deal + HBO series in 3..2..). Diary of an Angry Stripper is now private, but thanks to Gawkerand Google cache, your eyes can still eat pieces of it here.


    In one of her posts, Sarah writes about how interviewing certified doucheJeremy Piven for UsWeekly led to his tongue putting her pussy to sleep. Sarah worked as an intern for UsWeekly and one of their reporters sent her to a club in NYC to ask him a bunch of stupid questions. Before this, Sarah says that she wet dreamed about smearing her coochie all over The Piv's canned hair while watching Entourage once. So when Sarah had the chance to hit that, she took it. When Sarah got to his apartment, she started to make small talk before The Piv shushed her up by letting her know that he wasn't interested in getting into her brain. And then, he went down:

    GIVE ME THE GREEN LIGHT … GIVE ME JUST ONE NIGHT – I’M READY TO GO RIGHT NOW
    This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV – a football game was on mute – and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.

    Sex with someone new is always awkward[6], and sex with someone new who’s also the object of my celebrity schoolgirl desire is very awkward and not enjoyable, no matter how much I want it to be. I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.

    To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.

    “Jeremy! The candle – !”

    Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.

    It's not surprising to hear that Jeremy Piven has the Ambien of tongues, but it is surprising to hear that he actually licks chocha. Here I was thinking that Jeremy Piven is a selfish slut who only cares about getting his. I pictured him transforming into a Russian gymnast coach during fuck times and yelling orders like, "Lick this! Suck this! Bite this! Hop on this! Twerk this! Don't yank at the head rug!" I'm not sure I believe this. The Piv doesn't care about the pleasure of others! Did Sarah have a full Brazilian at the time? If she didn't, then I know what he was up to. That wasn't his tongue on her crotch, that was a waxing strip and he was just collecting her pubes to make a toupee! That's the real story.


    That being said, Sarah should have her vagina checked for mercury just in case....

    And to clear the image in your head of The Piv putting a pussy to sleep, here's a palate cleanser in the form of the other kind of pussy sleeping:

    As if anyone ever needed to know this ish.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

    http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic4098_9.gif Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  2. #2
    Elite Member MohandasKGanja's Avatar
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    I'm amazed that he was down there in the first place.

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    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    She's a society columnist?
    You don't engage with crazies. Because they're, you know, fucking crazy. - WitchCurlGirl

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    Elite Member MohandasKGanja's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sluce View Post
    She's a society columnist?
    There is a whole separate story at Gawker about that.

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    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    Well bring it over please. I don't go to Gawker.
    You don't engage with crazies. Because they're, you know, fucking crazy. - WitchCurlGirl

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    Elite Member MohandasKGanja's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sluce View Post
    Well bring it over please. I don't go to Gawker.
    Sarah Tressler: Houston Chronicle Society Writer By Day, Stripper By Night - Houston News - Hair Balls

    ​It sounds like a bad rom-com book and movie, which no doubt its author hopes it will be -- society reporter for a big-city newspaper by day, stripper by night.

    That's apparently the life being led by Sarah Tressler, who began writing society stuff for the Houston Chronicle after Douglas Britt left the paper to begin his own very odd double life.
    Tressler blogs, Facebooks and tweets about her life as an "angry stripper." It's all pretty much what you'd expect -- writing in the style that really, really wants to be described as "fearless" and "intelligent" and "funny" and "sexy."
    Whether it lives up to that is a matter of taste, we guess.
    The Web writings describe her life dancing at local clubs like St. James and The Men's Club.
    Her most recent entry, on March 12, talks about how a man who was tipping her as she was dancing accidentally spit some lettuce on her. (Comic relief for the movie!!)
    We e-mailed Tressler, 29, but haven't heard back. Her LinkedIn profile says she has a bachelor's from University of Houston -- where she's now an adjunct professor, it says -- and a master's in journalism from NYU. (For what it's worth, there's only one Sarah Tressler in the state with a Texas driver's license, and it shows a Houston address.)
    She's freelanced for Us magazine and for the Chron since April. Some Chron staffers say she is now full-time, but we couldn't confirm that.


    Some of those Chronsters aren't too happy, from what we hear:
    Her fellow Chronicle employees have found out and they're furious. Furious because she barely bothers to conceal her identity and they're worried about the reaction from the "ladies who lunch" when they inevitably find out that they've been hosting an active stripper at their benefits. And furious because she "flaunts" her "stripper money" around the office in the form of expensive designer clothes and handbags. And furious because the Chron staff feels like she's just using them as fodder for a future roman a clef.
    Harsh.
    We've asked for reaction from Chron editor Jeff Cohen; Melissa Aguilar, the paper's assistant managing editor for features; and Kyrie O'Connor, who supervised the section before becoming an interim editor at the Chron's sister paper in San Antonio, but haven't heard back from the first two.
    O'Connor said she knew "Sarah Tressler as a highly competent freelancer, but I've been out of pocket for quite a while. I understand she may be on staff now, but that's about my limit" of knowledge.

  7. #7
    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    Thanks!

    I'm betting she will resign now and do he blog and write a book.
    You don't engage with crazies. Because they're, you know, fucking crazy. - WitchCurlGirl

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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Cause that's what happens when bodies start slappin'
    from doing the Wild Thing
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

    http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic4098_9.gif Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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    Elite Member witchcurlgirl's Avatar
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    uh oh, she's at it again.



    All of God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.


    If I wanted the government in my womb I'd fuck a Senator

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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    And I'm at work too. There ain't no Patron here. **cries** I wanna go home to my Patron.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

    http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic4098_9.gif Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    *again wonders which of Greys family members had the head injury*
    You don't engage with crazies. Because they're, you know, fucking crazy. - WitchCurlGirl

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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Mel.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

    http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic4098_9.gif Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  13. #13
    Elite Member sluce's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greysfang View Post
    Mel.
    You don't engage with crazies. Because they're, you know, fucking crazy. - WitchCurlGirl

  14. #14
    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Are they laughing or fucking?
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

    http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic4098_9.gif Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  15. #15
    fgg
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    who's shocked that he sucks at it?
    can't post pics because my computer's broken and i'm stupid

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