My tree is a white trash, sparkly mess. It's an ugly artificial tree, that we are using as a temporary one, until our house is built. Setting the ugly tree up, totally kicks in whatever OCD I have into overdrive.
First, I must perfectly center it in the window, so everyone can see it in it's tacky glory. I then spend an insane amount of time, separating all the branches. Separate a few, stand back to take a look for holes, lather, rinse, repeat down the entire tree. Then comes the fluffing, to make it look, well, like a tree. I walk around it a few times, spin it around a few times, to find the best side.
Seeing as how it is an ugly artificial tree, I eventually give up the effort to make it look like a tree. There are some tears shed, lots of "fucks" said, and an occasional "I HATE CHRISTMAS", and the swearing to convert to Judaism, because Menorahs are easier.
It then dawns on me, after having a meltdown, that I get to decorate it. By decorate it, I mean put enough twinkle lights on it, that can induce seizures in those prone to them. Yes, my little 6ft ugly tree has about 5 strands of twinkle lights on it, 7 if you count the fact that it was a pre-lit tree. If 1000+ lights are enough to blind you, the 1000+ lights are reflected by garland. Lots of garland, because garland, in my head, covers the ugly tree's bald spots.
By the time this is done, I am already three sheets to the wind (hubbs in an effort to calm me down, has mainlined pinot grigio this entire time). So what does a drunk tree decorator do....ADD BEADS. Just because it is an ugly tree, doesn't mean it doesn't deserve nice things, beaded garland is my ugly tree's stand of pearls if you will. I stand back, to look at my handiwork, in double (sometimes triple) pinot grigio induced vision.
Sadly, this makes me see all the bald spots in double (sometimes triple). This sends me into a panic, hubbs breaks out the big guns, and starts feeding me gin and tonics. He is then forced to the nearest store, because I need the dreaded ICICLES, usually 2 or 3 packages. I use every..last....strand of the icicles, to cover up the bald spots.
It is now time for the kids to put on the ornaments. Shockingly enough, I hate ornaments, even more shocking is why I hate them. I hate them, because they make the tree look "too busy". I have them, so the kids can put them on, which means a clump of them here, a clump of them there, all from the middle of the tree, down to the bottom. This of course, sends me into a panic, so when they go to bed, I de-clump them, and spread them out.
In the end, my ugly tree, doesn't even look like a tree. You can't see a tree at all. It looks like a tall, twinkling, sparkly Cousin It. It is a sight to behold really, I can cram a lot of sparkly shit onto a tree.
I can't stop laughing.
Posted from my iPhone
KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GOD DAMNED HONEY!!!!!!!!!!
Come on, let's have lots of drinks.
Fuck you all, I'm going viral.
That's awesome Boogs. I want to see a pic.
My husband insisted upon an artificial tree a few years ago. He had one growing up and thought they were the shit (no kidding). I said fine and bough some tacky ass thing that has branches from 3 different types of "trees" and it rotates! LOL. Seriously, it spins. After two years he cracked and now we're back to the real thing.
Grimm, your tree needs a tree skirt, it looks nekkid without one. Preferably something in shiny gold.
boogsbun, I feel your pain, I'm decorating my tacky fake tree right now, and all those gaps make me insane too. Need more vodka!
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I'm waiting for the family to descend upon us before we set up our tree together. I usually get very drunk during this olde tyme familye tradition, so expect a very crappy and fugly tree. Assuming I remember to take a pic this year!
My tree before today's unwrapping. Love it or hate it, doesn't matter to me.
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"I don't have pet peeves. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay". ~George Carlin
Boogs, Sugar! You think the ornaments make it look busy?? Maybe 3 strands of lights ago! Have some more booze!
I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West
My tree is a cheap little one from Walgreens that is about 2 feet tall and is covered in bald spots. It has some cheap looking base, because it's supposed to stand on the floor, but we have it on one of our coffee tables, which is draped in a sparkly dark blue fabric we found at Joann's. It came with lights, which I tried to detangle and make even, but the bottom is clustered and the top is barely light. We have some cheap Spongebob and Dora the Explorer-themed candy canes, and no ornaments or garland or anything. On top is just a ribbon that we put on Christmas day, but didn't tie, so it just hangs there limply.
It's a fugly-ass tree, I may post a pictute later if I can figure out my damn camera.
A little late, but:
We bought more lights for it during Boxing Week sales, they'll get added next year.
Ugh, we really need to paint the living room...
If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.
- Kahlil Gibran
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