Depression

[Gen X EJC]

Originally Posted by Beeyotch

GenX I scarily identified completely with Avoidant Personality Disorder. Fortunately none of my depression symptoms have been acute for several years and I have been doing pretty well in overcoming the feelings that use to debilitate me. But even now, even some things I've written on this board smack of the descriptions in your link (I'd rather be lonely than vulnerable, I can't deal with some things because of the barrage of emotions I fear, etc.) And it's not a good way to live. I'm not sure how to change it though I do want to.

I'm glad that your depression isn't as bad right now, that certainly makes things more tolerable. But yeah, AvPD is really frightening. I'm realizing how hypersensitive I am to criticism and trying to kind of realize that making mistakes is normal and okay, and if people point that out they're not saying Im a bad person. I don't really know how to change it much either, I'm working on looking back at my life and trying to figure out what exactly led me to this mental place and learn to appreciate myself for who I am now. It's also a matter of forcing myself to reach out to people - like I've been avoiding email and telephone and meeting friends for months, I only do IM and hang out on the gossip board. But now I have friends in town that I'm seeing and I'm going to see my extended family next month so little by little I am getting better about immersing myself back into real life. The way I look at it is that being mentally stable is something I will always have to work at, but I think being one's self IS a lifelong project, and I should always be striving to improve myself and learn new things, whether it's simple things like a fun new hobby or more necessary things like finding mental peace. So I'm not looking for an instant cure (I mean I *AM* at some level, of course we all want that, and it causes so many distractions and self-destructive behaviors) but rather to sort of complete this stop in my journey before moving on to the next great struggle.

[DitaPage*]

Originally Posted by Honey

WTF is it about mornings? I hide under the covers in the morning, I literally can't face them at the moment.

<3

Me too. I hate waking up and just lying there. I feel like its too much effort to get up, or there's nothing worth getting up for. And its like when i'm asleep, i'm not thinking so its okay, but when I wake up everything comes back to my head again- i think this is why i hate mornings. Even if i fall asleep during the day, and wake up, I am ok. Its just early mornings that are the most depressing time for me lately.


Does anyone take medication for depression? Does it help?


And I think I have Avoidant Personality Disorder as well. I dont 'like' being around people. It doesn't make me unhappy to not be social, but geniunely not wanting to be around people often makes me feel abnormal.

[Gen X EJC]

SYP - Sorry to hear about your sleeping problems. I've been oversleeping like crazy lately - my dad called me Rip Van Winkle this morning and most of the time I would love to just fall into a sleep/coma and never come out (slightly better than suicidal thoughts, I guess... or not...).

I take Prozac and it's been a huge help. There's nothing wrong with admitting that your body is not like many other people's and your brain needs a boost to start enjoying life again.

There is more to AvPD than just not liking to be around people. There are several personal disorders that revolve around being introverted, and in fact introversion is not even necessarily a sign of mental illness. Some people are naturally introverts and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think ultimately the questions you should ask yourself are 'why DON'T I want to be around other people?' (because they are annoying, because they make you self-criticize, etc.) and 'why do I feel abnormal for enjoying spending time by myself?'

[Honey]

I take meds, I am on Duloxetine.

I think it is helping me, and counselling is helping me too.

I think both are good for me, but not for everyone.

[Beeyotch]

When I was in the throes of my depression I was taking Fluoxetine (generic Prozac). The names make me think they're closely related.

It helped a little, but I was taking the smallest dose available. I thought it helped me too, made a difference in my mood after a month or so. I'm glad you feel the meds+counseling combo you have are working right now Honey!

[Beeyotch]

Originally Posted by Gen X EJC

I'm glad that your depression isn't as bad right now, that certainly makes things more tolerable. But yeah, AvPD is really frightening. I'm realizing how hypersensitive I am to criticism and trying to kind of realize that making mistakes is normal and okay, and if people point that out they're not saying Im a bad person. I don't really know how to change it much either, I'm working on looking back at my life and trying to figure out what exactly led me to this mental place and learn to appreciate myself for who I am now. It's also a matter of forcing myself to reach out to people - like I've been avoiding email and telephone and meeting friends for months, I only do IM and hang out on the gossip board. But now I have friends in town that I'm seeing and I'm going to see my extended family next month so little by little I am getting better about immersing myself back into real life. The way I look at it is that being mentally stable is something I will always have to work at, but I think being one's self IS a lifelong project, and I should always be striving to improve myself and learn new things, whether it's simple things like a fun new hobby or more necessary things like finding mental peace. So I'm not looking for an instant cure (I mean I *AM* at some level, of course we all want that, and it causes so many distractions and self-destructive behaviors) but rather to sort of complete this stop in my journey before moving on to the next great struggle.

You know I think you hit on something regarding the hypersensitivity to criticism, and other things as well. It's hypersensitivity in general that gets me in trouble, gets me feeling down about myself, second-guessing myself and letting my insecurities get the best of me.

But it's that same hypersensitivity that makes me really good in other areas, in being sympathetic and a good friend to others, good at expressing complex emotions through writing or other creative mediums, good at appreciating others' creative attempts at conveying similar emotions, good at fully appreciating the excruciating lows and exhiliarating highs that life offers. It's empathy at its best and its worst; It's a gift and a curse at the same time if you don't know how to control it, and I know I'm not there yet, I certainly have a lot to learn.

I do know that all the times I have avoided contact with even the closest of my friends, I've always felt better after I've done it and emailed or phoned them. Once I did it, it was like I can't imagine why I felt it was so hard, and I even felt better after I communicated with them. But it continues to be a pattern of avoiding contact, even after I've had nothing but good experiences from talking/communicating with them. It's sick, it doesn't make sense and it's unfortunate. I love my friends, they're great people and even I don't understand why I behave like this with them...

[t13nif]

Isolating yourself if a symptom of depression--i don't necessarily believe that in all cases it represents a personality disorder. When i am depressed i don't want to talk to anyone, i don't want to go out, i don't want to see people. Being around other people actually HURTS. I look at everyone else and i tell myself that they are happy, and it's not fair that i am not and i get resentful, and bitter and self-pitying.

My shrink really encourages me to go outside into nature--by myself if necessary. Sitting on the beach (in the evening when no one is tanning etc) and staring at the water is soooo therapeutic for me. Or go lie on the grass and listen to the breeze blow through the leaves on a tree. You may still be alone but there is something about connecting with the universe through nature that is really peaceful and lovely.

[Chilly Willy]

Seems like all the good people are depressed.

[DitaPage*]

Originally Posted by Gen X EJC

SYP - Sorry to hear about your sleeping problems. I've been oversleeping like crazy lately - my dad called me Rip Van Winkle this morning and most of the time I would love to just fall into a sleep/coma and never come out (slightly better than suicidal thoughts, I guess... or not...).

I take Prozac and it's been a huge help. There's nothing wrong with admitting that your body is not like many other people's and your brain needs a boost to start enjoying life again.

There is more to AvPD than just not liking to be around people. There are several personal disorders that revolve around being introverted, and in fact introversion is not even necessarily a sign of mental illness. Some people are naturally introverts and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think ultimately the questions you should ask yourself are 'why DON'T I want to be around other people?' (because they are annoying, because they make you self-criticize, etc.) and 'why do I feel abnormal for enjoying spending time by myself?'

Thanks dearest Mornings for me- see my avatar, that is me in the morning
Its weird, but everything seems a hundred times worse when i'm lying in bed. I feel slightly better once I'm up.
I've been made to think that being introverted makes me a weirdo. This is why I hate the people I know so much. They cant accept the fact that I don't enjoy being miss social butterfly, so leave me alone! My mum is 'miss personality' and people say to me 'you have to be more like your Mum', but I cant stand her so why would I want to be like her?! And people are so rude- why do I HAVE to be like anyone? I'm fine, and very chatty one on one and in small groups but I dont do as well being around alot of people, particularly people I don't know. I wish i could move out of my town because I've been all my life and the last 3 years of highschool were the worst- I had so much trouble with people. I already got majorly judged because my father was a heroin addict for a start. And I went to a Catholic school where everyone's parents were rich and 'elite'. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or sleep with everyone so I was the biggest outcast. I was accused of things i never said or did. I never confronted liars so they got away with everything. I wasn't teased to my face, but i got very subtle put downs. My teacher would say 'look on the bright side; they don't say anything to your face, so they must be frightened of how you'll react; they aren't tough. They are threatened by you', and that made me feel better but they were still arseholes and I was already feeling so bad within myself that their subtle put downs didn't help. By graduation night, I was so destroyed emotionally that if I had a gun I would have shot everyone in the room, and killed myself at the same time. I cant believe i could even have those thoughts. But you go from being sad that they wont accept you, or leave you the fuck alone, to being angry as hell.

My therapist is trying to drill into me, 'Not all people in the world are like the arseholes at highschool' but it doesn't sink in like it should be. I'm a tthe stage where i'm desperate to get away from everyone I know; it'd be so nice to go somewhere where no one knows my past, about my father, etc. Because people dont let you forget it.

[Beeyotch]

Your situation sounds really tough SY&P, and I'm sorry. It does sound like maybe it would do you some good to start anew somewhere without all the negative associations and people. It might make a real difference. Are you college age or older/able to move on your own?

And your therapist is so right that there are many people out there who aren't mean, who are truly kind people and can be genuine, not judgmental. I'm lucky I found a handful of good friends like this, they've been my lifeline I've clung to, real inspirations. They really help show me the world is not as ugly as it sometimes shows itself to be.

[pacific breeze]

^^Yes, it's easier said than done, but hang onto the good stuff and the good people. THEY are the ones you should listen to, emulate. Don't let the losers bring you down to their level because that's what they want. I have experienced similar things, and it was a hard lesson to learn, but one I've never forgotten. My life is a lot better now that I've stopped thinking and caring about toxic people. They only have the power WE give them.

[DitaPage*]

I do have a few friends who help me, but I feel so guilty because I always suspect they're going to screw me over, like other people have. Its not fair on them that I have issues with people so I cant trust them. My best friend does things like drop in and give me roses and I think 'why? why is she doing that? what a waste of her time, why does she like me', that sort of thing. And when she found that I'd do things like self mutilate (which i dont do anymore) she burst into tears and it shocked me that someone cared that much. My family hid every knife in the house also. I couldn't believe people cared that much- when you dont care about yourself you feel like no one would care for you, and that you dont deserve it. To be loved and to feel happy is something all humans deserve yet I feel like it would be a privillege too big for me. My doctor is like, 'you have absolutely no self esteem'.


I'd love to move away, on my own, I am old enough so why not? Its so hard to be in a place where people have all these ideas about you, people dont accept that i am NOT my father, or my mother. I think the best thing would be to go somewhere where no one knows my story. I've read so many autobiographies lately where people went out on their own, without anyone, and I'm not so terrified of that anymore. I've been clinging too long to this idea that i NEED people. I'm looking for people to make me feel better about myself and its not happening in this place, because i'm never going to have the 'approval' of people who want to keep me down. And this town just depresses me. Just the surroundings, knowing i could run into someone who made my life misery at highschool, everything.

Has anyone here had experiences like that, and moved away from it all?

[Beeyotch]

Originally Posted by StayYoung&Pretty

My best friend does things like drop in and give me roses and I think 'why? why is she doing that? what a waste of her time, why does she like me', that sort of thing. And when she found that I'd do things like self mutilate (which i dont do anymore) she burst into tears and it shocked me that someone cared that much. My family hid every knife in the house also. I couldn't believe people cared that much- when you dont care about yourself you feel like no one would care for you, and that you dont deserve it.

I've had similar feelings. But what really made a difference is that I hung on to that, proof that people really do care about me that much, that I am lovable. It was a little seed of hope from which my self-esteem bloomed. And that's how I know those are quality people to keep around. They show us how much they love us even when we believe we're not worthy of love, they prove us wrong.

You really do have to remember your own words: "To be loved and to feel happy is something all humans deserve.." Working on really believing it is tough but you will get there.

I've never really had to get away from a bad situation, quite the opposite once I left my family and friends I'd grown up with I could really appreciate them beyond how I'd seen them when they were right there. But in your case it certainly sounds like a new beginning in a new place with new people--a blank slate of sorts--might be just the thing you need to get your self-confidence.

[Eli]

I know I have something wrong with me because I don't do any of the things I used to do any more, and I think back to years beforehand and how I did enjoy myself more, and how now this year and the last have just been dull and I don't want to think about them, and I really want to live overseas or at least have a life I want (which is unfortunately in my case very far away and hard to get) and how it never seems to come, so I just sit and stare sometimes, and how my past two summers which are usually delightful have been so stressful and ugly, and how everything in life seems to be stressful and ugly, and thank goodness I'm not the "sooey side" Al type, or else I'd be gone, and...
Is that a form of depression?

Seriously I would love nothing more than to get anti-depression pills but I think you have to go to a psychiatrist first don't you? And I'm not one for spilling all my secrets to people, I can barely act honestly in front of anyone. I almost told my doctor on Friday when I went in for something else, but I was afraid she'd say "I can't do anything about that, you've got to see a psychiatrist" or something. So here I am, stuck again, going to work tomorrow and dreading life.
At least I have you guys at Gossip to make me laugh! And my TV shows.

[Penny Lane]

Originally Posted by nycgirly101

That's great, Honey. I take antidepressants (Zoloft) and am currently switching to Prozac. I also have anxiety so I certainly know where you're coming from and how difficult it can be. Hope it works out well! Keep us posted

btw Stay young & pretty, I'm going to take try those suggestions also thanks for posting

I took Zoloft about two years ago. It really didnt do anything for me. It wasnt until I finally started going to a counselor I couldnt bullshit and a doctor that put me on Prozac that I finally started beating depression and OCD. I think Prozac is very beneficial and I credit it with making me a lot happier, although I have to say that counseling has a LOT to do with recovery. I stopped going and since then, I've been a wreck. I've replaced one addiction with another and it really helped when I had someone to talk about it to. I wish you the best, Honey. Getting the help you need and taking a proactive approach to continuing the process is a big step.. good luck. Love you!!

Originally Posted by Allie

Seriously I would love nothing more than to get anti-depression pills but I think you have to go to a psychiatrist first don't you? And I'm not one for spilling all my secrets to people, I can barely act honestly in front of anyone.

Allie, I felt the same way.. TRUST ME. I'm a very closeted and hard-to-read person and I hate attention, but the relief that comes with just TALKING about your problems.. real or imagined.. is immeasurable. I walked into my first therapy session FUMING at my mother for forcing me to talk to someone, but as soon as I sat down I began to cry.. I felt cornered and vulnerable, but having a real person to talk to and get feedback from was the best thing that ever happened to me and I started being brutally honest with myself and my family about the problems I had developed. I've since stopped going and it's been detrimental, but I'm here to say that don't be scared of getting help just because you feel you cant make yourself vulnerable to another person. It's a big step and it takes a lot of humility to talk about personal problems, but as soon as you find a person you really CLICK with (I stayed with a therapist who was the mother of a classmate for almost two years.. big mistake.. find someone you can talk to that you can be completely honest with, because I wasnt honest with my first therapist at all) it makes all the difference. I wish you luck as well.

Originally Posted by t13nif

Isolating yourself if a symptom of depression--i don't necessarily believe that in all cases it represents a personality disorder.

I isolate myself constantly during periods of depression. It's one of the things that drives my mom and friends mad... I'll stay in the house and waste entire days feeding one addiction. Consequently, Ill feel ugly and ashamed, and wont go out, and the cycle continues. It's a vicious cycle and breaking it is the best solution.. I realize that's easier said than done. Relapses are common with any psychological disorder, but man do they really hit you hard when youve been doing good for a while.