Weekly diary of an anorexic

[Grimmlok]

Nearly half of the British children with an eating disorder feel unable to talk about their problem, says a report from the Eating Disorders Association (EDA).

It is estimated that more than a million people in the UK have anorexia or bulimia and many of them are young.

The report says eating disorders are still misunderstood and mistaken, sometimes seen as trivial and self-inflicted when they are actually serious and life-threatening mental illnesses.

Early treatment is vital if people are to avoid long-term consequences to their physical and mental health, but many youngsters keep their condition secret - including one such teenager who has kept a diary of her relationship with food.

Sarah - not her real name - lives in Manchester with her mother and sister. The 18-year-old student has had an eating disorder for four years. Here she details how food dominated her last week.




MONDAY
Monday usually starts with a list of resolutions about what food I am not going to allow myself to eat in the next week. I want to control what I eat and get a feeling of excitement at the strict targets I set myself. When I am at college it is easy to do. The hard part starts when I get home from college. My family know I have a problem and insist on family meal times.

I started focusing on food when I was in my early teens. My parents divorced and I felt it was my fault. I felt unworthy and stopped eating. I felt I no longer deserved food and controlling what I ate would help me get control of my life. It became the only positive aspect of my life. I feel I have succeeded at something if I get through the day only eating what I have planned. If I don't succeed I have a voice in my head that tells me how bad and weak I am.


TUESDAY
I stick to my eating plan again and I also cook a meal for myself and my mum. When I cook I usually make complicated dishes as I like dealing with food, but in the end don't have much myself. I try to avoid eating but not being around food. I will cook and watch cookery programmes, surrounding myself with food, but not eating it makes me feel strong willed.

I have set up strict rules for myself. I try not to eat before a certain time and after a certain time. I measure out everything, even the skimmed milk I put in my tea, and will restrict how much water I drink. It is a ritual and I feel scared when I can't do it, when my routine is disturbed. It's very important to me, it's about control and I don't like not to be in control.


WEDNESDAY
Had an argument with a friend today. Not eating can make me irritable and snappy. I know I have lost friends over the years. Controlling my eating ends up controlling my life and that doesn't make me the most fun person to be with, or to live with. You can't rely on people anyway, but on food you can.

I weigh myself at the same time each day. I do it when I get up as I will be at my lightest. I do it before having a shower because even having wet hair might make me weigh more. It's not about what I look like or what size clothes I wear, as I never want to show off my body anyway. It is about how much I weigh.


THURSDAY
Another argument today, this time with my mum and sister. I know I am hard to live with and they worry. The row makes me feel low so I binge on bags of crisps, which makes me feel worse. I end up throwing up in the garden. I can't really do it in the house if they are there as they know and try and stop me. You get very clever about hiding stuff.

I was referred to my local hospital for help a few years ago after my mum took me to the doctors. I weighed under seven stone (44kg), which was low for my height. I've had help and am now seven-and-a-half stone (48kg). Everyone wants me to gain more weight but this is as far as I can go. The help I get is focused on food and not why I control what I eat. Food is just the tool I use, the problem is something different but no one seems to want to listen to that.


FRIDAY
I am cutting out even more stuff today to make up for my binge yesterday. If I have a craving for something like chocolate I will often just put it in my mouth to taste it but don't swallow it. It takes a lot of control to spit it out but I feel good when I do.

I know I have improved my eating over the years and I am not so strict with myself, but I can't imagine a time when I won't think about what I am putting in my mouth. I know everyone around me wants me to be normal but what does that word mean anyway? Everyone I know worries about something and does stuff to make themselves feel better or to forget. My friends drink and take drugs, is controlling my eating any worse than that?


SATURDAY
Go to the gym today. Exercise is also an important part of my life. It is all wrapped up with my eating. Often I feel quite faint after a session as I like to push myself but don't have much energy because I haven't eaten much. It's quite a nice feeling for me.

Sometime I think of the health implications of what I do, but it is a fight between my head and my body. My body might be wanting food but my head is always questioning if I really need it and trying to talk me out of it. People tend to think anorexia is about being skinny because that's what the media says is good. For me, it's about something different. I don't want to show my body off, I want to feel as if I am good at something. I want to feel good about myself.


SUNDAY
Sunday is the day when I assess how I have done and think about my targets for the following week. This week I feel quite proud of myself but if I've had a bad week I can feel quite low. New targets all depend on what I have managed the week before.

I do wish I wasn't like this. But this is me, this is what goes on in my head and this is what I do to my body. I have had help but I know the changes have to come from within me and that's the frightening thing, I don't know if I can do it.

[AliceInWonderland]

let her die w/ the rest of them, we need to seriously weed the population of these people and their sick genes!

[SVZ]

The help I get is focused on food and not why I control what I eat. Food is just the tool I use, the problem is something different but no one seems to want to listen to that.

that's so spot on.

[Grimmlok]

Girl, you need to cancel my subscription cuz you are bringin' me OLD issues.

[moomies]

The help I get is focused on food and not why I control what I eat. Food is just the tool I use, the problem is something different but no one seems to want to listen to that.

that's so spot on.

Then she's not getting the right kind of help??? I think anorexics need both psychiatric and nutritional help.

[AliceInWonderland]

^ and a swift kick in the ass!
like a trip to Africa to see what starving really is!!

I especially hate those anorexic twins on Entertainment tonight or some shit; they're always on while I'm trying to eat dinner and I just totally lose my appetite when they're on, I can't believe they're still alive and well enough to do weekly updates! I swear everytime I see that show; they're on it!!

[A*O]

As usual with anorexics it's all ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

I think you are being a little harsh Alice, but admit I do find very hard to be sympathetic to these people who are so completely self-absorbed they willingly put their lives in danger, and drive their families crazy with worry too. She KNOWS her behaviour is abnormal, yet seems to celebrate it. And like any 'addiction' you don't suddenly become anorexic (or bulimic, or a junkie or an alcoholic) - it takes a concerted, conscious effort to begin with and that's why I only give a moderate fuck for these people.

[mklady]

That is so crazy. I think a person this obsessive will always find something to keep control over. It's ridiculous. I sort of feel sorry for her, because obviously, she's not getting the help she needs, but then she states what kind of help she needs. Ok, if you know the help you need and you're not getting it and you do nothing to change that, then you obviously don't want help and I can't feel sorry for you anymore.

[Grimmlok]

*loads a bullet into the chamber*

I gotcher cure right heah..

[misskris]

Originally Posted by A*O

...And like any 'addiction' you don't suddenly become anorexic (or bulimic, or a junkie or an alcoholic) - it takes a concerted, conscious effort to begin with and that's why I only give a moderate fuck for these people.

i just wrote a paper about addiction because addiction is in the process of becoming categorized as disease but the crux of my paper was that there is always a conscious choice to deny yourself nutrition, or to compulsively work out, or to have another drink, or to shoot up etc. and i'm hoping that i'm right on this, but i think that she obviously needs help, but it also involves an effort on the afflicted person's part to try to get well and to work their way out of the obsessive thinking. i think this applies to depression and cancer and other illnesses as well. the power of positive thinking has been proven to make a difference in the rates of wellness. so that to me suggests that part of becoming well is at least a little bit in the mind.

before i get blasted though, i do recognize that you are not going to be able to think happy thoughts and cure depression or to simply will a tumor to go away. these are real problems that require treatment but i am trying to illustrate that there is a connection between mind and body in all ailments.

[Sojiita]

^^Actually studies have shown that "positive thinking" and "state of mind" have no influence on cancer survival rates. The difference comes in when you look at the quality of life people had while they were alive. And with addiction is it "conscious choice" or "compulsion"? Maybe a conscious choice to give in to the compulsion? This girl knows she has a problem and only she can get herself better. That is where conscious choice comes in. You have to make a conscious choice to stop living that way and then put the same amount of energy into recovery that you do for the problem. Been there done that. And when she questions if she will ever view food again normally, she is probably right. Even though I don't have the disorder anymore(by far..lol) I have never viewed food in the same way. Before I just never thought about food really..eating was just a normal thing..and that is gone forever-and likely will be with her too. It is up to her to decide to get better and take the actions necessary: she knows this, and needs to get out of her self-absorbtion and seek help-she is not just hurting herself. She has to make the decision to get better and follow through.

[misskris]

thanks Sojiita, that's interesting about the cancer survival rates. it's a good thing i didn't write about that in my paper i def hope she can make that decision to get better. and i'm glad that you were able to get well, that lends hope to people with eating disorders i'm sure.

[A*O]

I think there's a lot to be said for Positive Thinking but I think it's drawing a long bow to apply it to a serious medical condition like cancer. My father was diagnosed with cancer in Dec 2004 and despite an entirely positive and proactive frame of mind it still chewed him up and spat him out exactly 16 weeks later............... Having said that there are lots of cases of seeminly hopeless terminal cancer where the patients make a 'miraculous' recovery for no apparent reason other than positive thinking and a stubborn refusal to give in.

As for addictions. I am absolutely positive that there is an 'addict gene' which is why some people quickly get sucked into serious addiction and others can behave in similar ways and not get hooked on whatever. But even if you are genetically predisposed to addiction, my point remains that you don't wake up one morning and find yourself a hopeless heroin junkie, anorexic or alcoholic. It takes considerable time and effort to get to that stage which is why I try hard, but often fail, to be sympathetic. I am sure that many addicts get into that state in order to 'escape' their problems or psychological demons but that does not change the fact that they make conscious, informed decsions to take that path instead of seeking medical or psychiatric support.

[Sojiita]

Originally Posted by A*O

I think there's a lot to be said for Positive Thinking but I think it's drawing a long bow to apply it to a serious medical condition like cancer. My father was diagnosed with cancer in Dec 2004 and despite an entirely positive and proactive frame of mind it still chewed him up and spat him out exactly 16 weeks later............... Having said that there are lots of cases of seeminly hopeless terminal cancer where the patients make a 'miraculous' recovery for no apparent reason other than positive thinking and a stubborn refusal to give in.

As for addictions. I am absolutely positive that there is an 'addict gene' which is why some people quickly get sucked into serious addiction and others can behave in similar ways and not get hooked on whatever. But even if you are genetically predisposed to addiction, my point remains that you don't wake up one morning and find yourself a hopeless heroin junkie, anorexic or alcoholic. It takes considerable time and effort to get to that stage which is why I try hard, but often fail, to be sympathetic. I am sure that many addicts get into that state in order to 'escape' their problems or psychological demons but that does not change the fact that they make conscious, informed decsions to take that path instead of seeking medical or psychiatric support.

I agee about the positive thinking with alot of conditions..just not so much for cancer..but with things like chronic pain or conditions, and yes, addictions it can make the world of difference. I agree somewhat with your point on addictions in that people have to be responsible for their actions whether they are consiously made or not. The problem with consious choice is the denial factor that is so common with addiction. I think people who are in an addiction are responsible for their behavior and the effects it has on other people and really don't have alot of compassion when they face the consequences(maybe some empathy though ). Expecially in self destructive behavior like eating disorders even though others are hurt by it is is mostly self-involved, and I can have alittle more compassion then..when people are really only hurting themselves the most. With eating disorders what pisses me off the most is the way they use the internet to prey on eachother and enable eachother with "thinsperation"(what bullshit!). I never encouraged another person in an eating disorder-back in my day(lol) everyone of us were horrified at how everyone else was starving to death so obviously and we never enabled one another we just could not see it in ourselves. Also with eating disorders you can end up so nutritionally deprived, wasted away(including wasting of internal organs(brain too)) that your thinking can actually be, well..bat shit crazy. Alot of the really bad off people ended up being crazy if they were not when they started. Their thinking cleared up once they gained some weight and were not so bad off physically. I know this since it happened to me and I was tested at my lowest and after some recovery and the difference in the same tests was tremendous.
Until a person comes out of denial and seeks treatment and help there is little you can do for them. It is true that "you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink" That is where the conscious choice comes in-the choice to choose recovery. This did not happen for me until I actually saw the cardiac and other physical test results in front of me showing I was almost dead. That was the breakthrough for me. The test results did not lie and I could not deny them. Unfortunate that it had to come to that state..but some others never got it at all. In my case hospitalization(I agreed to go in but very much against my will)saved my life. Too bad most insurance( in this country at least )does not cover things like that as it used to.

*hey, at least you try hard to have sympathy or compassion or whatever, even if you do fail sometimes. at least you are trying, right?*

[Alrisha]

Originally Posted by AliceInWonderland

like a trip to Africa to see what starving really is!!

Right On!! I've been saying that for years!

Although I do admit, there does seem to be other issues involved here, and food not being one of them.