Posted: 10/16/2006 by:
Jason Mathews 
David and his new mom.
Oh great. I’ve been adopted by an old white whore! Just what I’ve always wanted: a mom who’s seen more dick than the inside of a truck stop urinal. This sucks. I wish my old mom was alive. Sure she was poor, but at least when she kissed me her lips didn’t taste like Warren Beatty’s cock. Or is that Jose Canseco? Sean Penn? Or maybe it’s just some random bi-sexual backup dancer? Shit.
What’s that? You want me to call you mommy? Fat chance, Mrs. Papadopolis.
Oh, I see you’re married to an Englishman. Fantastic. The British are responsible for colonizing my people, so I’m really excited to have some limey twat for a father. Hey, ‘Guy’, I bet you’re having second thoughts about adopting me, huh? Kind of like you’re having second thoughts about marrying a slut ten years your senior.
Blimey, ‘er tits are 'anging down ter 'er chips an' peas, ain‘t they? Enjoy the roast beef, asshole.
Oh, and
Swept Away was fucking horrible.
What’s your excuse, Esther?
So, why did you adopt me, anyway? Did all that slutting around make you barren? What’s that? You already have two biological children? Well I hope to god those kids got the silver nitrate eye drops when they crawled out of your filthy womb, or else I’m sure they’re blind by now. I’m just saying, is all.
So if you have kids of your own, why the hell are you taking me? You’re almost 50-god-damn-years old. What gives? This adoption wouldn’t have anything to do with that other rich white lady who adopted all those third-world orphans, would it? You know, the one who is much
younger and hotter than you? Yeah, that’s what I thought. What is this, junior high? We’re brown, but we’re not fucking beanie babies. Jesus Christ.
Speaking of Christ, it seems that before my adoption someone assured my father that you were "
a very nice Christian lady.” I guess that’s true if by “Christian” they meant “cock-craving slut who pisses on Christianity every chance she gets but then goes and joins some bullshit faux-Jew Hollywood cult that’s about half-a-step up from Scientology.” Yeah, my religion’s bullshit too, but at least my family’s too poor and stupid to know any better. What’s your excuse,
Esther?
My New Mom: a 'nice Christian lady!'
Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you pick on somebody else’s religion for a change. How about, oh, I don’t know, Muslims? You know, the guys who are still
lopping off women's clits a few countries north of here? Yeah, maybe instead of hanging on a cross you could go on stage wearing a burqa, draw a picture of Mohammed, and then pop a squat on it? That would be pretty controversial, and would say a lot about your commitment to women’s rights, don‘t you think? What? You don’t like that idea? I can’t imagine why.
I guess I should be a little more grateful since this adoption is going to allow me to do things that would have never been possible in my home country, like eat food and not die of dysentery. But something about this whole fiasco just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. So before you spend the next fifteen years raising me to be some annoying little fuck who wastes more money on club drugs than my native country has to spend on health care, I just want to get this off my chest: kiss my black-orphaned ass you old white whore.
Oh, and by the way; your version of
American Pie was complete shit.
http://www.thephatphree.com/features...StoryYear=2006
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