Colin Farrell Sex Tape: The Transcript

[buttmunch]

We’ve been doing our best to ignore sex tapes (unless there’s one that features Adam Moss and Ariel Foxman tearing at each other like wild, lonely dogs); masturbation is a private, beautiful thing, and who are we to interfere with your diddling time? As such, our eyes just kind of glazed over with the news of Colin Farrell’s homegrown porno, especially when it became quickly unavailable. But now the damn thing is back and all over the interwebs, and there’s even transcripts. Considering Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, we found the following snippet of dialogue rather sweet:

C: That’s the prettiest fucking pussy I’ve ever seen in my life.
N: I hate it.
C: Aw, man, you can’t fucking say that! (incredulous) You hate it? You can’t fucking hate that, girl. She’s so beautiful, man. She’s fucking gorgeous.
N: She’s so (unintelligible)
C: What would you do? What would you snip? What would you fucking implant? Shut the fuck up.
N: Nothing.
C: It’s beautiful…she’s beautiful.
N: …no…
C: She’s a beautiful little flower.
Awwwww — see? You don’t need Le Bernardin; true romance is much more simple, pure. And focused on the ladyflower.

Transcript-a-Thon 2006 [All the Shrimp You Can Eat]
Colin Farrell Sex Tape: The Script [Defamer]

gawker.com

She? SHE? He's giving the woman's poontang a seperate identity?

Here's more:

Scary celebrity lawyer Martin Singer continues to churn out the cease and desist letters, yet they seem to be doing little to impede the electronic dissemination of Colin Farrell’s Pandora’s Box of digitally captured pleasures. Stills, g-rated edits, parodies, not to mention the actual, untouched video, abound. But it was only when we read Shrimpjaw’s transcript, free from the tyrannical image of Colin’s curved croquet mallet, that we could fully appreciate just how special this coming together of our two hero-lovers actually was. An excerpt:

Nicole: (Giving him the camera) Here, you hold onto that. (She goes to television).

Colin: (Pointing camera at own penis) I am putting this…(camera pans to Nicole’s crotch)…right in there. (To Nicole) Come here, come here, pretty.

N: Pretty!

C: God, you’re…as I said the other night, man, if a fucking camera could blush it would be fucking red because you are so fucking pretty.

N: Really pretty! (unintelligible) Ok, now I’m putting on a video station. Ok.


C: What are you watching, man? Judge fucking…?

N: No! I’m trying to change the channel.

C: Puttin’ on some porn for us?

N: (chipper) You want some porn?

C: (yelling) I FUCKING LIVE ON PORN! What are you talking about? You’re so sexy, you are so fucking sexy. Where’s the zoom on this fucking piece of shit? You’re fucking gorgeous (laughs). Baby, you’re so fucking beautiful, man.

N: Yes, my love.

C: Aw, the battery’s dead…so is my fucking cock.


We must commend Farrell, who was clearly born with an Irishman’s lyrical ear, on his inspired and colorful dialogue. In just a few sentences, he manages to romantically anthropomorphize an inanimate object and draw an impressively clever metaphor between his technological and biological “equipment.” Clearly, his real talents until now have been wasted; we can only hope his future projects will take advantage of his astonishing writerly skills.

Transcript-A-Thon 2006 [All The Shrimp You Can Eat]
Previously: Colin Farrell Sex Tape Update: No One’s Happy About DirtyColin [Defamer]

[loulou58]

he sure knows how to getr someone going doesnt he the smooth talker.


not! how fucking hot does he think he sounds, cos he sure dont to me!
if my bf was like 'fucking this, fucking that, your fucking beautiful, fucking blah blah' to me, id say shut the hell up, the only thing you'll be fucking tonight lad is your hand.

[buttmunch]

I actually reallly like when she says "Yes, my love". Talk about bad dialogue! I think I'll try some Jane Austin out on my husband tonight right when he's getting extra sweaty.

[darksithbunny]

And women find this attractive? It disturbed me. There were she and she. He can't seperate her from her vagina? Just like he can't seperate his dick from himself. Strange little world they live in. Well, both of hims.

[muchlove]

This kills me! If anyone talked to me like that I think I would just laugh the whole time.

I love that he can't ever speak without saying "fuck" every other word. It's hilarious and so ridiculous it's almost charming.

[simone]

the "she" part didn't bother me that much, i guess bc maybe it sounds better than "it?" maybe it's just a male point of view that he makes, bc men always seem to be naming their, um, members.

even more disturbing were the teenage porn mags on the floor...

[aabbcc]

That was great ... best laugh I've had all day!

[NoDayButToday]

That was fantastic! I now know that I have not missed a damn thing by not watching the tape.

[redheadlauren]

Originally Posted by NoDayButToday

That was fantastic! I now know that I have not missed a damn thing by not watching the tape.

Oh . Yes . You . Have .

[glamazon]

that's right, Red Headed....I saw the clips...Colin's not that small, and he has a nice body...and the flicking thing he does with his tongue...I'm trying to teach AMerica to do that...!

[Cate]

Bwahahaha. Now I want to see it. I loved the Tommy and Pamela video. That was great dialogue, too.

[ediebrooks]

I've always felt an intuitive disgust for Colin Farrell;now, I know why.

[Voodoo Child]

I found that hot.

[buttmunch]

What exactly does he do with his tongue? Details, please. And I'm not squeemish, so give it to me straight.

By the way Ediebrooks, LOVE your Edie picture!! Love Edie in general and am still pissed that dumb twat Sienna Miller is playing her in a movie.

[alcohol the honey]

He's a true romantic alright. Now I really want to see this sex tape.