Amusing roundup of gossip rags this week.

[buttmunch]

Oh, my word. I can't believe my eyes. Celebrity gossip boredom has clearly hit an all-time high, for in all my years of reading and reporting on the content of the gossip mags (yeah, I said "reporting"), I have never seen anything like this. Tara Reid is on the COVER of Us Weekly! Yes, you read that correctly - Tara Reid of "constantly-denying-she's-drunk-all-the-time" fame - scored herself a cover story. And she has those atrocious scars to thank for it.


The headline for Us Weekly's COVER story on Tara Reid is "My Plastic Surgery Nightmare." Next week, I should be on the cover with the headline, "My Tara Reid Cover Story Nightmare."



Whoa. Paris and Nicole are friends again! Even THIS would have been a better cover story.


Katie Holmes' new best friend is Posh Spice. That's even creepier than when she was hanging out with that Scientologist baby-sitter all the time.


Us attempts to explain "why Jen can't find love." I can sum it up in six words: needy, high-strung, tightly wound ball of neurosis. (Or is that eight words?)


Star's cover story says, "Vince Cheated!" in BIG, GIANT letters. Then it adds, "Jen's Big Fear" in little teeny-tiny letters underneath. (That means he didn't, for those of you not practiced in the art of not-getting-too-excited-by-gossip-mags'-cover-claims.)

Is being the "new face of Fortunoff" something Petra Nemcova really wants to brag about? She survived the tsunami, for Pete's sake.


In Touch covers Ashlee Simpson's new addiction to plastic surgery. With her nose job, chin surgery, eyebrow lift and lip-plumping, she's morphing into a totally different person. Wait - are we sure this is a bad thing?


Now, big sister Jessica reportedly wants a nose job, too, because it may help her career. So would acting lessons, but I don't see her running out and getting those.


Why is the carpet always red?


Yikes! In Touch has a photo of Star Jones in a bikini. Yeah, it's great that she lost all that weight, but she still should not be in a bikini. And if she feels that she MUST be in a bikini, then at least she should not be photographed in said bikini.


Oh, damn, there's Lisa Rinna again. Grrrrr.


The Jolie-Pitt clan has taken India by storm this week. Angelina's filming a movie, Maddox is riding rickshaws, and Brad is just doing whatever Angie tells him to do.


Life & Style's cover story says, "Jen tells Oprah, 'I Still Love Brad.' In a secret phone call to Oprah, Jen admits she's torn ..." It was REALLY nice of Jen and Oprah to let Life & Style three-way in on their phone call.


Ah, Mischa Barton read "The New Mood Therapy," and she's nice now. Apparently, her years of bitchiness were just a verrrrry looooong mood.



Jessica Simpson and John Mayer MAY be dating again, but her rep says, "[Jess] is keeping her private life private." Ah, you learned a lesson from that whole "got a divorce after creating a TV show around my private life" episode, did we, Jess?


Seriously, at what point will someone just take that kid away from Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin? Their custody battle is still going on after FIVE years ... as if the fact that she's growing up in Hollywood with those two as parents isn't bad enough.


Maggie Gyllenhaal gave birth to her baby girl, Ramona, without an epidural. It was still probably less painful than watching "Mona Lisa Smile."


Brandy, the singer, is dating Michael Knight, the finalist from "Project Runway." I often wonder if reality-show stars sit around thinking, "How the heck did THIS happen??"


Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are back together. Yippee.


Madonna's rep denies the star is in the African country Malawi to adopt a baby. The rep said, "She's kind of adopting a whole country of children." She then added, "So top that, Angie!"


In Touch is claiming that Kevin wants to divorce Britney, but that is so not what I heard ... from, um, the other gossip magazines.


Christina Applegate says that when she showed up to an event wearing the same dress as Rachel Griffiths', "We were laughing ... I was sobbing on the inside." Her honesty is refreshing. Her superficiality is not.


Carmen Electra says, "I'm really into quantum physics," and easily wins the "We Simply Don't Believe You" Award of the Week.

Well, between the Tara Reid cover and the Star Jones photo, I'm ready to sign off. And rest my eyes. For a long time. Words I taught my spell check this week include Fortunoff. (See what I mean, Petra?)

Signing off with a quote:


"Rumor is one thing that gets thicker as you spread it."


- Mary H. Waldrip

And more delicious too, Mary.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/goss...p-387905c.html

Love the thing about Manniston.

[Voodoo Child]

Okay now that was f*cking funny!

[DitaPage*]

Gossip sure does suck lately.