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Thread: Food At Potlucks--Opinion

  1. #31
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    Trixie, no we don't use real silverware..lol. It's all plastic and paper products. It's a collective effort on everyone's part. Even the guys, my male cousins and my cousins' husbands, most of them are out there setting up tables, grilling, climbing up trees, putting lights or piñatas up. Everyone does their part. For night parties at the beach, the guys are out there helping start the fires, making beer runs, you know the things guys do. We don't charge them, we don't keep track of what they eat. They're doing what they can, being helping, providing man power and we appreciate it. Diane's the only one who's the freeloader it seems like. The minimalist of things, she can't even follow through or be there on time.

    Our next big get-together is a family reunion on July 16th in honor of our grandmother who passed away 4 yrs ago. Me, my sister and 2 other cousins are already in charge of that. I'm personally not inviting Diane but she's already heard about it and she'll go. She won't bring a thing I'm sure. If not asked she won't contribute but she will show up. Heck, even when told to bring something she makes sure it's so late no one uses her stuff up. So go figure. I'm not going to cause a war with her over this, she's my cousin, but yep, you can say I don't have a high opinion of her. It's not that I don't like her, I don't like that habit she has of showing up so late, eating all the food and then taking off. I think she's a taker and rude, religious or not. When I was single with no kids, I wasn't like that. I don't think a lot of people are. Just counting my lucky stars I'm not married to someone like that. I've had boyfriends like that who'd like going to parties, drink all the beer and they wouldn't even bother to bring a case of their own. There are just some people like that. I don't know if they're just cheap or scavengers, people who will take what they can if it's offered to them. Who knows!

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    I have the opposite problem. I have a relative who will not under any circumstances allow me to bring anything to family get-togethers, even though I'm vegetarian and always offer to bring something for myself and my other vego relative because there's usually nothing for us to eat. Every time she says no and tells me there'll be plenty for me to eat, and not once have I ever eaten anything more substantial than potato chips or crackers and dip. The one time I brought a Greek salad and some spinach patties she got so offended, didn't serve them and gave them back to me at the end to take home saying very loudly "see, nobody ate them!" even though my other relative and I watched one meat dish after another being served and devoured while we waited for our food to (never) arrive. I've tried bringing dessert but the same thing happens. Now I just make sure I bring plenty of booze and we can at least get plastered while we fill up on chips.

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    Quote Originally Posted by PrettyGirl View Post
    Does the religion make them like that, all frugal and crap? lol. Is that even the right word, I don't know. She is still very involved with her Church and does a lot of events with them. She had said her church was having a Memorial Day potluck but she didn't know if she was going because she didn't want to wake up so early. Her exact words. I didn't bother to ask yesterday if she did. But now I wonder if her churchy Pentecostal brothers and sisters mean more to her than her own blood family. You know, she attends their potlucks, parties, etc...and the family over here (us) gets the leftovers. She probably goes all out for them or spends money for the church functions than she does for our get togethers. Knowing her, I honestly do think she probably puts her spiritual/faith connections with them as a priority over her social dealings with us that's for sure.
    I don't think it's the religion - lots more people are involved in their churches & don't use their families in this way. I think my former relative just didn't connect with her family in a very comfortable way. At gatherings, she lectured and ate, which meant that she didn't have to truly interact with others or become closer to them or express interest in them. Rush in, eat, rush out, and you get the benefit of the food and you can tell yourself (and the church people) that you are indeed part of a family & it comes with minimal effort on your part. She was/is just much more comfortable with her church family. She's in a position of authority and respect and it's all on her terms.

    Re: your cousin, I am more annoyed by her lack of helping and lack of interest than I am by her not bringing anything substantial. Even if she were flat broke, she could help clean up. She could show some interest in the family by getting their earlier so she could interact with them. Coming 4 hours late, eating by herself and leaving is ridiculous. She's clearly not concerned with anybody there. You don't have to have money to help clean up or ask what's going on with everybody.
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    Lobelia, amen to everything you said and then some. Especially your last few sentences. So, so true!

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    Quote Originally Posted by PrettyGirl View Post
    Not sure if I'm posting this in the correct section but here it goes. I'm wondering if anyone here has a penny-pinching relative? I have a large family and most of us are married with kids. With lack of time and our lives being pulled in all directions with demands of spouses and children, we still manage to get together for family events at least once a month. We usually have potlucks for holidays. Yesterday for example, was Memorial Day and we got together for a picnic at the beach. Most of the cousins go, and we all pitch in and bring a dish. In my case we usually make or take the main course.

    Yesterday for Memorial Day we had a potluck at the beach. My husband and I took hamburger meat, hotdogs, pork ribs, all the buns, all the condiments, cheese, 2 liters of soda, side salad and the dressing. Not to mention we took the grill, the charcoal and the lighter fluid. We even took our boat to take family members out for a cruise, to make it more fun. You know, different intervals. My sister took macaroni salad and kids drinks. My other sister took 5 desserts. My mother brought all the ice, some coolers, potato salad. In other words mostly everyone chips in...except 1. I have a single cousin (we'll call her Diane), who shows up late for every family event and family party. ALWAYS. We're not talking about 1 hr. We're talking about 3 or 4 hrs late. She says she's bringing 'something', but its always something like 1 liter of soda and 1 bag of chips. She's known for being a penny pincher and doesn't put much effort in whatever she says she's bringing. It's never anything she cooks herself, it's usually some inexpensive snack you know she got all the clearance isle at the store.

    Well, whatever the reason, Diane shows up so late that people have already eaten and are stuffed after dessert. Her items hardly ever get eaten. She shows up (like yesterday) serves herself 2 or 3 plates of food, then she leaves...and takes her food contribution with her. I think it's so tacky. I've told Diane before 'Be on time. Showing up 3 or 4 hrs later doesn't count as showing up. It's just showing up to eat the food'. She still does it.

    Yesterday Diane brought 2 liters of soda and 2 bags of Lays chips. Most of the family had left but she sure managed to stack her plate full of food twice and just as everyone's packing up and getting ready to go, she says she'd taking her stuff since 'no one opened them'. I did say in front of 2 other cousins of mine, "Are you serious, Diane? You showed up late, ate the food and you have the nerve to take your soda?' She laughed and said "Yep". When she left I saw her walking out with her bag of 2 sodas and I said "You're amazing. We helped with the set-up, we all got here on time, we helped with the clean up and there you go taking your soda". She just walked away. She doesn't care.

    I voiced my opinion to several relatives that I'm sick of Diane and I'm not inviting her to any more family events. Most of my cousins are annoyed by her behavior too but no one has the guts to say anything to her directly. I'm the only one has basically told her in her face yet it doesn't really phase her. She has no shame and I know she will continue showing up hours late to events and then being cheap and taking off with whatever food contribution she thinks she's making. In my eyes it's no real contribution because she shows up so ridiculously late no one ever gets to eat her stupid chips or $3.99 box of brownies. But she sure manages to sit down, enjoy and stack her plate full of our food and then leave without helping any of us with the clean up.

    Do any of you have relatives like this? Why are they like this, are they just cheap? I can't figure her out. You try and keep the family united but relatives like this are just plain aggravating. It's so rude. I'd be embarrassed to constantly show up so late to events. Even more to eat the food and then take back my $1 soda liter or $2 bag of chips after I stuffed myself. I'd at least stick around and help with the clean up since others helped set up and I didn't even do that.

    BTW, whenever we have leftovers or items that are non-perishable after family parties, we just save them for the next event. Diane knows this. We told her the 2 sodas we were saving for next time. She said "No, I'll take them". The nerve! lol
    Quote Originally Posted by PrettyGirl View Post
    Moongirl, that's hilarious! And yes, she's like that, she wants to take food to whomever she can. Her father divorced my aunt, yet my cousin's asked me twice at my own sons' birthday parties this year if she can take a piece of cake to her father! WTF? Now granted, her father was my uncle by marriage, but she's funny. She wants to take doggie bags to her dad and I havent seen him in ages. He's not invited to my kids' parties. She's a scavenger. BTW, my sister said that yesterday that we should've opened her sodas and chips the minute she got there even if everyone was full..haha. Good idea.

    Brookie, I agree with you and I readily admit, it does bother me. It bothers many of us. But I've been the only one who's actually told her. As far as the parties at my house go, she's not getting any invites from me. Family functions where all the cousins and aunts show up, I can't control that, but the invite sure isn't coming from me. Thing is that it's usually me, my sister and another cousin who are the main organizers so we know who's bringing what and delegate it. IMO since Diane shows up late, she should be part of the clean-up crew, don't think I haven't said it! But she won't do it. I've even said we should pack up the food early because we always know she's coming within the 3 or 4 hr mark, but even that seems tacky to me. Others should've have to pay for HER rudeness.

    MontanaMama, she does work. She has no husband or kids, but she's been living with her mom (my aunt) for years. She's 35 yrs-old and I wonder if the reason she's still there is because she's too cheap to pay for her own place. I don't think she has to pay rent. She pays her mothers' utility bills and buys her own food. She can afford to bring something, we're not expecting a feast. I really just think she's a penny-pincher.
    Quote Originally Posted by PrettyGirl View Post
    Venus, she is single with no kids, but the woman can eat. She stacks her plate and gets 2nd's and 3rd's! That is not an exaggeration. Other relatives have noticed and commented. So yes, she may not have kids but she is eating an equal amount of food that some of us with kids do (sometimes more). She even wants to take doggie bags to her dad? I think it's absurd. I have 1 husband he's the eater. I have an 8 month-old (who doesn't eat potluck food) and a 2 yr-old who's a fussy eater and maybe takes a bite of macaroni and takes off. Most of our kids in are in that age bracket, younger than 8 or so. I'm the mother chasing my toddler at the family parties and I eat in 10 minutes because I have to care for my kid. I don't even get second servings. I don't have time. Well, I'm sure many of you remember how it was when your kids were that small. You gulp your food down and get back to chasing your kid. Diane's sitting there without a care in the world just eating like she's at an all you can eat buffet. Which, I don't mind, but dang, girl, be fair. Don't just be a taker, share. And we have been more than generous to her. We know she's single so she's always delegated to bring the minimal items like soda, chips, salsa, etc...we are specific. But she never makes it in time to share them. She gets there literally 3 or 4 hrs late and then wants to take her stuff with her when she leaves. And don't get me wrong, I'm not a stickler for punctuality. I know things come up and people will be late. But she is habitually late. You say 12pm and she shows up at 3pm or 4pm and we start packing up at 5pm or so. My other cousins complain and mumble under their breaths how she is but I at least have brought it to her attention. She's had the opportunity to be more considerate.

    Louis, love your idea about giving her an earlier time though. Love it! lol.

    Thanks everyone for your comments though. I guess it is like the work environment. When you have potlucks and events, you always have the tightwads in the group who never want to contribute or say they won't eat, but then when the leftovers are offered they sure eat then.
    Quote Originally Posted by PrettyGirl View Post
    BabyFace, good point, but we've tried that before too. She contacted me 2 days before the Memorial Day party and asked if we were still doing it and where. I said yes, it was still on and everyone pretty much had the main dishes covered. I told her "Bring something. We still need rice or potato salad. You can buy them, you don't have to make it. Otherwise, drinks too". So I don't think me or any one of us are demanding of her. She sent me an email saying "Jeez, I wish you would've told me this before. I just did all my grocery shopping. I can't bring a side. I'll bring soda and chips instead". I don't know how she didn't know when me and several family members were discussing the get-together on Facebook and the food list was there. She was acting dumb if you ask me. That whole topic was on there for 2 weeks. She saw the food list. She just didn't know where it was going to be held because we didn't mention it on our walls. She wanted to know where to show up.

    Not that this matters, but she is a bit eccentric, very strange. If I called her the night before, or day of a family party and told her to bring such and such item she'd flip out, say she needed 'planning'. I'm serious. She's OCD, everything has to be planned. And (let's assume) she'd say okay, she wouldn't show up till 3 or 4 hrs later anyway.

    Well, if I have functions on my own, she's not on the guest list. If she asks why I will tell her. You always show up 3 or 4 hrs late and you never bring anything and when you do you want to take it. That's why you weren't invited. If you don't want to help out fine, but your not gonig to take advantage of those who do go out of their way to get up early, set up, clean up, etc..forget that! We think as a collective group, family. She seems to think only of herself, let others do the sweating. Not appreciated. Not by me, not my a lot of the other cousins who don't want to offend her. I'm at least not mumbling under my breath and still inviting.

    Whatever everyone else wants to do with entire family events that's on them. I think a $10 charge from her would be appropriate. I can almost guarantee you that if she had to pay $10 she'd show up a lot earlier to get her money's worth of food. No joke.

    By the way, Babyface, as a sidenote, I can't call her a cheap bastard in her face...lol. She'd freak. She's (supposedly) a devout Pentecostal. She rarely wears pants. One of those. I don't want to cuss her out. I said my part, that's it. She can't say I didn't when she starts wondering why she's not getting invited to things. To each their own, I guess!
    Quote Originally Posted by PrettyGirl View Post
    Lobelia, I just read your post. Your relative, sounds sooooo much like my cousin it's scary! Diane was for years a real religious fanatic, but she has gotten better the last 3 yrs or so. Does the religion make them like that, all frugal and crap? lol. Is that even the right word, I don't know. She is still very involved with her Church and does a lot of events with them. She had said her church was having a Memorial Day potluck but she didn't know if she was going because she didn't want to wake up so early. Her exact words. I didn't bother to ask yesterday if she did. But now I wonder if her churchy Pentecostal brothers and sisters mean more to her than her own blood family. You know, she attends their potlucks, parties, etc...and the family over here (us) gets the leftovers. She probably goes all out for them or spends money for the church functions than she does for our get togethers. Knowing her, I honestly do think she probably puts her spiritual/faith connections with them as a priority over her social dealings with us that's for sure.
    Quote Originally Posted by Beeyotch View Post
    Just stop inviting her. It's clear you don't like her and she's a thorn in your side. The best you can do is tell her why her behavior is unacceptable to you. Maybe she'll change her ways then, maybe not. Some people need the blunt explanation because they're either oblivious (guilty here) or self-centered assholes. Either way, you can cut that kind of behavior out of your life.
    Thank goodness you said it. I agree.
    Quote Originally Posted by PrettyGirl View Post
    Trixie, no we don't use real silverware..lol. It's all plastic and paper products. It's a collective effort on everyone's part. Even the guys, my male cousins and my cousins' husbands, most of them are out there setting up tables, grilling, climbing up trees, putting lights or piñatas up. Everyone does their part. For night parties at the beach, the guys are out there helping start the fires, making beer runs, you know the things guys do. We don't charge them, we don't keep track of what they eat. They're doing what they can, being helping, providing man power and we appreciate it. Diane's the only one who's the freeloader it seems like. The minimalist of things, she can't even follow through or be there on time.

    Our next big get-together is a family reunion on July 16th in honor of our grandmother who passed away 4 yrs ago. Me, my sister and 2 other cousins are already in charge of that. I'm personally not inviting Diane but she's already heard about it and she'll go. She won't bring a thing I'm sure. If not asked she won't contribute but she will show up. Heck, even when told to bring something she makes sure it's so late no one uses her stuff up. So go figure. I'm not going to cause a war with her over this, she's my cousin, but yep, you can say I don't have a high opinion of her. It's not that I don't like her, I don't like that habit she has of showing up so late, eating all the food and then taking off. I think she's a taker and rude, religious or not. When I was single with no kids, I wasn't like that. I don't think a lot of people are. Just counting my lucky stars I'm not married to someone like that. I've had boyfriends like that who'd like going to parties, drink all the beer and they wouldn't even bother to bring a case of their own. There are just some people like that. I don't know if they're just cheap or scavengers, people who will take what they can if it's offered to them. Who knows!
    Pretty Girl, you seem to be a bit of a controlling person. It seems to piss you off that you tell her what to bring and when to bring it and she defies your orders. Stop talking about her and start talking to her - yes, I know you said that you have (in almost every post you've made) but she clearly has not gotten the point. She's obviously someone you don't like because she isn't as responsible as you, she doesn't have the responsiblities that you have and she still can't get there to help out and take some of the burden off of you.

    ETA - since what I did say sounded kinda bitchy, let me add that I do know exactly what you're talking about. When I was growing up, my mom and I did most of the cooking for family get-togethers. My mom was the only girl and had 7 brothers so it was expected of her. With few exceptions (not talking about Shedevil's mom), her brother's married women who were not very skilled in the kitchen. Two of them, in particular (and Shedevil knows which two) NEVER contributed shit to family get-togethers. And they would show up with their kids (one had 3 and one had 4) in time to eat only and then scatter like rats once the food had been eaten. They would then move on to the next lucky relative they would visit ... go do the same at their house and so on. Its a shame that there are people like this but... I just assume they weren't raised any better. They could have and should have brought something but ... they thought gracing us with their presence was enough of a blessing, I suppose. If I think about it enough, I can still see them sitting there picking their teeth while me and Shedevil would be in the kitchen helping my mom clean up. Plus, these are the two bitches who used to talk about how terrible and wild me and shedevil were ... karma got 'em on that one though. it wasn't me or shedevil who got knocked up at 14 by god knew who.

    Anyhow, the only thing to do is continue to be a gracious hostess or don't. She isn't going to change, you don't seem to like her so... you already know what you want to do, you're just looking for a little understanding/someone who agrees.
    Last edited by Mel1973; June 1st, 2011 at 08:24 AM.
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  6. #36
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    Some people are cheap bastards and/or selfish. Why are you letting it get to you? Just be glad you aren't like that, avoid her and enjoy your family parties.
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    I would basically ignore her except for the fact that she takes her contribution back home. That alone would make sure she never got invited back for anything.It is the height of rudeness and cheapness in my opinion.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mel1973 View Post
    Thank goodness you said it. I agree.


    Pretty Girl, you seem to be a bit of a controlling person. It seems to piss you off that you tell her what to bring and when to bring it and she defies your orders. Stop talking about her and start talking to her - yes, I know you said that you have (in almost every post you've made) but she clearly has not gotten the point. She's obviously someone you don't like because she isn't as responsible as you, she doesn't have the responsiblities that you have and she still can't get there to help out and take some of the burden off of you.
    I absolutely agree with this, but also think it's possibly not a 'controlling' thing, more than a respect thing. It's rude--just the lateness alone is very disrespectful in my book, but then the lack of giving a shit about the food and not being held accountable for anything, etc etc etc I can keep going...
    And yes, PG does need to own part of that, absolutely.

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    One thing I would like to point out...I am jealous of the amount family get togethers you are talking about. I dont think my extended family (cousins) has ever gotten together in such a fashion. I can count on one hand the amount ot times all 6 of us kids and 14 greandkids has gotten together in one place - my parents 50th and 60th anniversaries are it and then some still didn't make it. Anyway, forget Diane and be very thankful of what you do have. Not everyone has it and it sounds fabulous in all of its imperfectness
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    Family is family, and you have to take the good with the bad.
    I can't help but think that might be the only decent food the woman gets.
    Try to keep a sense of humor about it. In our family, all kooks are welcome because they add to our Family Lore. Some are legendary for their outrageous preferences. They are catered to and even treasured!
    That may be a Southern thing, but it adds so much excitement.
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    I think that's a wonderful thing McJag has said. I love it.
    Getting everyone to tow the line and behave as you want them to is never going to happen. There is always a late bird in every group I have ever been in. You just know they'll always be late and accept it. No sense in getting upset because it will never change.

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    My best friend job shares with another woman I know but dislike. Last year their office held a potluck Xmas party for about 30 people and asked everyone to "bring a plate" to use the Aussie expression. My friend took a large platter of sushi and the Other Woman took a bag of chips chosen "because my daughter likes them so I'll take any we don't eat back home". Lo and behold the chips weren't eaten and she left the party early, chips in hand. The party broke up a couple of hours later and the Other Woman reappeared and put the remaining sushi in a doggy bag and took it home.

    The same woman + husband pounced on a large tray of seafood at another social event and the selfish, greedy pigs demolished the whole lot between them.
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    This bitch is stuck in your craw. Stop inviting her anywhere.
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    Something I've never understood is when people offer someone food then get offended that they actually eat it, or eat a lot of it. And how much is "too much?" I mean, I understand if they never leave the seafood tray's side until it's gone but otherwise, it's going to differ from person to person. I'd hate to feel watched--how is that a party? Who'd want to be there if they know people are being judgey or controlling?

    Anyway, re-reading the part about how the cousin goes to a lot of her church parties this
    I wonder if her churchy Pentecostal brothers and sisters mean more to her than her own blood family. You know, she attends their potlucks, parties, etc...and the family over here (us) gets the leftovers. She probably goes all out for them or spends money for the church functions than she does for our get togethers. Knowing her, I honestly do think she probably puts her spiritual/faith connections with them as a priority over her social dealings with us that's for sure.
    sounds like your real issue with her. It's true she sounds like a freeloader but more than that, to me it seems you resent her for not being one of you and not having the same priorities (family) as you.

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    I think OP is being a bit of an arse. Who the fuck counts how many plates someone eats at a family gathering?
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