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Thread: Food At Potlucks--Opinion

  1. #16
    Elite Member LynnieD's Avatar
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    Swear to God, this sounds exactly like someone I know (related to). Late to EVERYTHING, never brings a thing and stays to eat, then leaves.

    Used to bother me too. But, now I don't invite her. Not even to family functions (she's a close family member too) and don't care if she shows up late to the events she is invited to (that I am not in charge of) because I already know the deal---its all about her, all the time. Everyone else knows too, they are just being polite.

    And this particular family member COULD afford to bring stuff (single, no kids, alleged good job), but still never did. Never made an effort and was never called out on it. So, whatever. But I'll tell you whats interesting and a bit sad: this same family member now CANNOT afford ANYTHING...long story but HER OWN FAULT. And still, no one cares. She made her bed....just saying.

    IGNORE HER PrettyGirl. Karma....its a bitch.

  2. #17
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    BabyFace, good point, but we've tried that before too. She contacted me 2 days before the Memorial Day party and asked if we were still doing it and where. I said yes, it was still on and everyone pretty much had the main dishes covered. I told her "Bring something. We still need rice or potato salad. You can buy them, you don't have to make it. Otherwise, drinks too". So I don't think me or any one of us are demanding of her. She sent me an email saying "Jeez, I wish you would've told me this before. I just did all my grocery shopping. I can't bring a side. I'll bring soda and chips instead". I don't know how she didn't know when me and several family members were discussing the get-together on Facebook and the food list was there. She was acting dumb if you ask me. That whole topic was on there for 2 weeks. She saw the food list. She just didn't know where it was going to be held because we didn't mention it on our walls. She wanted to know where to show up.

    Not that this matters, but she is a bit eccentric, very strange. If I called her the night before, or day of a family party and told her to bring such and such item she'd flip out, say she needed 'planning'. I'm serious. She's OCD, everything has to be planned. And (let's assume) she'd say okay, she wouldn't show up till 3 or 4 hrs later anyway.

    Well, if I have functions on my own, she's not on the guest list. If she asks why I will tell her. You always show up 3 or 4 hrs late and you never bring anything and when you do you want to take it. That's why you weren't invited. If you don't want to help out fine, but your not gonig to take advantage of those who do go out of their way to get up early, set up, clean up, etc..forget that! We think as a collective group, family. She seems to think only of herself, let others do the sweating. Not appreciated. Not by me, not my a lot of the other cousins who don't want to offend her. I'm at least not mumbling under my breath and still inviting.

    Whatever everyone else wants to do with entire family events that's on them. I think a $10 charge from her would be appropriate. I can almost guarantee you that if she had to pay $10 she'd show up a lot earlier to get her money's worth of food. No joke.

    By the way, Babyface, as a sidenote, I can't call her a cheap bastard in her face...lol. She'd freak. She's (supposedly) a devout Pentecostal. She rarely wears pants. One of those. I don't want to cuss her out. I said my part, that's it. She can't say I didn't when she starts wondering why she's not getting invited to things. To each their own, I guess!

  3. #18
    Elite Member MontanaMama's Avatar
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    I still say take her out for lunch or coffee or something and lay it out. If she does the same crap after that, then feel free to embarrass her at will. A lot of us single folks (although I'm always the cook & cleaner) feel that unless we are told something directly, we are not meant to know something. When she called you about the time/place was the perfect time to lay it all out, ask how much forewarning she needs to bring an appropriate dish, ask why she's coming so late, etc. Since you say that no one asks her to contribute in a meaningful way, she's probably feeling completely left out and only shows because it's a family event and she's obligated - hence the lateness/one bag of chips. All the under the breath and cleaner-upper comments are clearly not sinking in.
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  4. #19
    Gold Member Baby Face's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PrettyGirl View Post
    Whatever everyone else wants to do with entire family events that's on them. I think a $10 charge from her would be appropriate. I can almost guarantee you that if she had to pay $10 she'd show up a lot earlier to get her money's worth of food. No joke.
    That's not a bad idea - or you could ask her to contribute money or buy some ingredients (brought over prior to the event) for a dish you are preparing. IDK - just ideas. I think every family has one of these She probably isn't a bad person just socially awkward or something OR I could be wrong and she is really a raving cunt and does all of this on purpose with a sneer on her face
    Silence may be golden but, duct tape is cheaper.

  5. #20
    Elite Member LynnieD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MontanaMama View Post
    I still say take her out for lunch or coffee or something and lay it out. If she does the same crap after that, then feel free to embarrass her at will. A lot of us single folks (although I'm always the cook & cleaner) feel that unless we are told something directly, we are not meant to know something. When she called you about the time/place was the perfect time to lay it all out, ask how much forewarning she needs to bring an appropriate dish, ask why she's coming so late, etc. Since you say that no one asks her to contribute in a meaningful way, she's probably feeling completely left out and only shows because it's a family event and she's obligated - hence the lateness/one bag of chips. All the under the breath and cleaner-upper comments are clearly not sinking in.
    Yea, I can get on board with a lot of this. In my case, it's a long term single/no bf, no kids woman. And I get the feeling from her, that she's just not into the family thing and therefore doesn't WANT to be there and will only put in the minimal effort. I'm sure ultimately she's not upset about not even being invited.....and is also why she strolls in whenever she feels like it and just leaves. It's a tough one really. And obviously, there are different dynamics to each family and each person, but it certainly might not be a bad thing to ASK.
    We have tried, but gotten zero, so we just gave up. And she doesn't seem to mind either, so its worked out for us.

  6. #21
    Elite Member Palermo's Avatar
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    Eh, is it really that big a deal to feed a relative every now and then? Maybe it's cause I'm Italian, but we always have three times the amount of food necessary and will feed anybody that shows up any time. It's just food.

  7. #22
    Elite Member Beeyotch's Avatar
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    I think it's more about the attitude, perceived or real or misinterpreted, than about the food.

  8. #23
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    Either don't invite her (and tell her why if she asks) or be more organised and tell everyone exactly what they should bring depending on their means and cooking skillz. Since she turns up late ask her to brink a couple of large desserts - purchased at Costco if necessary.
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  9. #24
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    I used to have an inlaw who was sort of like this. She was this extreme catholic. I say this because however far a female can advance in the chuch, she did. She always wore long sweeping garment and a crucifix on a long thick chain. Like she wanted to look like a priest. Had extremely short hair and used to be military. Very unfeminine and there were longstanding rumors of her having a relationship with a woman. I just assumed she was gay. There is a point to this.

    Anyway she would never bring anything and would show up minutes before the meal started. She would swoop in, pile up her plate and proceed to totally dominate the conversation talking about all the stuff going on at her church. Never showed interest in what was going on with family members. The church people were more important. She would give discourse on various topics, lecturing on things. One topic was how perverted and sick and evil gay people are. Hmmm.

    She would gulp down her food, get seconds, get seconds and then start cutting up the pies and cakes before anybody else was ready for dessert. Always had to rush off because she was needed at church. It was just kind of accepted that she was just this way. Very eccentric woman. She couldn't cook and nobody asked her to bring anything or help.
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  10. #25
    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    There is one in every family. I'd just let it go.
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  11. #26
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    Palermo, I agree, it's not a big deal if it happened once in a while. Everyone in the family should be able to go and eat and feel comfortable. Believe me, we're really not there counting food or being greedy. But she's been like this for years. She's 35, so we're talking 11, 12 yrs at least. Obviously for a birthday party or a wedding someone's throwing we don't expect her to bring anything. She's a guest like anyone else would be. But she has been known to be invited to one of the kids' birthday parties and occasionally not bring a gift. But she does go to eat. She's never personally done that to me but she has done that to one of my sisters. Also, when my sister married she also had a limited number of guests allowed. Diane was allowed to bring a guest (all the invitees were). Diane called my sister and asked if she could bring one more person. My sister was tiffed. She told her NO. It's not costing her to feed and seat everyone but it is costing others. I don't know how she fails to see that. Maybe she is socially awkward who knows.

    Another example, my cousin Laura. She's a sweetheart. Unfortunately, she's one of those people who's always having financial problems. Her husband is habitually 'laid off' and she doesn't work. She's a stay at home mom, no income of her own. Laura skips a lot of our family get togethers. We've all invited her, but she always says she doesn't have any money. Even for our Memorial Day picnic yesterday, I asked her via e-mail if she was going and she said no, thank you, she didn't have money. I did say it was okay, just show up. She didn't. In Laura's case she's not a taker. I at least give her credit for that. I wish she would go but she at least feels that if she can't contribute with food or finances or whatever, she's not comfortable going. That's the complete opposite of Diane. And believe me, Diane DOES want to go to our family events and she makes it a point to be there. I don't think she feels obligated and her heart's not into it. If she didn't want to be there she wouldn't go. Just from her behavior alone (what I've described), I think it's pretty obvious she does what she wants, she's not the type to feel pressured into anything.

    Lynnie, thanks for your story. Your relative...jeez, how annoying. You seem to know exactly where I'm coming from. I guess every family does have someone like that in their family for the most part. I need to remind myself that even tightwads have families! haha.

  12. #27
    Elite Member Trixie's Avatar
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    I agree, one in every family. But I do understand why it's so annoying. I have a "friend" who pulls this kind of crap all the time. But that's another story, she's just a selfish, self-centered bitch.

    Your cousin definitely sounds socially inept, but she probably doesn't feel like she has much in common with the married with kids crowd, and shows up late because she either has nothing better to do, can't turn down free food, or just feels obligated to make an appearance.

    I've found that some single 30 somethings who still live with their parents still act like they're the "kids" of the family so that gives them a pass in bringing anything--especially if a parent is also coming and bringing a dish.

    Have you considered asking her to buy/bring the paper products you need? Like plates, cups, napkins etc.? Tell her you'll pick them up at her house (or her mom can bring them) or just prepare for her bringing them late, and keep them for use at your next family function.

    Unless you use real china and silverware at your get togethers. If that's the case, I got nothing.
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  13. #28
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    Lobelia, I just read your post. Your relative, sounds sooooo much like my cousin it's scary! Diane was for years a real religious fanatic, but she has gotten better the last 3 yrs or so. Does the religion make them like that, all frugal and crap? lol. Is that even the right word, I don't know. She is still very involved with her Church and does a lot of events with them. She had said her church was having a Memorial Day potluck but she didn't know if she was going because she didn't want to wake up so early. Her exact words. I didn't bother to ask yesterday if she did. But now I wonder if her churchy Pentecostal brothers and sisters mean more to her than her own blood family. You know, she attends their potlucks, parties, etc...and the family over here (us) gets the leftovers. She probably goes all out for them or spends money for the church functions than she does for our get togethers. Knowing her, I honestly do think she probably puts her spiritual/faith connections with them as a priority over her social dealings with us that's for sure.

  14. #29
    Elite Member Beeyotch's Avatar
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    Just stop inviting her. It's clear you don't like her and she's a thorn in your side. The best you can do is tell her why her behavior is unacceptable to you. Maybe she'll change her ways then, maybe not. Some people need the blunt explanation because they're either oblivious (guilty here) or self-centered assholes. Either way, you can cut that kind of behavior out of your life.

  15. #30
    Elite Member msdeb's Avatar
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    when she shows up, grab the stuff she brings, open it up, pile it on a plate, or whatever, don't touch it, and then when you are done eating the other stuff, trash time.
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