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Thread: Celeb chefs that you love/hate

  1. #106
    Elite Member Sweetie's Avatar
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    I bet his toenails are all thick and yellow.

  2. #107
    Elite Member BITTER's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetie View Post
    I bet his toenails are all thick and yellow.
    Say WHAT???

    Don't forget - Sandra at 2PM EST. I wonder what she'll butcher up today?

  3. #108
    Bronze Member boots's Avatar
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    My friend described Sandra Lee the best in one of his blog articles

    Some, I don't watch -- Bobby Flay and that Canadian pastry cunt come to mind. I can't even remember her name but she needs a hot poker to the face like no one I've ever met. I don't know where someone who makes pastry gets off being so smug about her line of work. Your occupation hasn't been necessary since Marie Antoinette took to the guillotine. We reject your decadence. We rejecadence.

    Some, I tolerate. Ina Garten's boring WASPishness, gaggle of gay friends, and repressed homosexual husband come to mind; if she didn't serve a vital purpose to the American economy by singlehandedly keeping the orange carnation industry afloat, she'd be off the air by now. Rachael Ray is another example, although perhaps I'm just jealous of how she inexplicably got famous showing audiences how to make a casserole out of Alphagettis and smashed McCain's Smiles.

    But there are some who cross into idolization territory. Paula Deen's Obesity on a Plate is one example; she could make the same casserole mentioned above using nothing but butter. Paula Deen's arteries are have more traffic congestion than Mary-Kate Olsen's vagina. Giada (fiercer with no de Laurentiis; she's a one-named wonder) and her gigantic eyes and crazy gnashing nightmare teeth are another. It always worth watching her show to see the creative ways in which she'll abuse her close friends and also the Italian language.

    But if there's one woman I absolutely deify, it's Sandra Lee, the cougar of the Food Network (although with Giada getting on in years, she should watch her back. Literally; I bet Giada could sever an artery with those pointy motherfuckers in her mouth). She's got the WASPish charm of an Ina, the semi-homemade laziness of a Raytard, and, most likely, the alcohol-battered liver of a Kennedy. Below is my list of the top six reasons I love Sandra Lee:

    6. She colour-coordinates.
    Sandra Lee may be incompetent in a variety of ways, but I'll give her props for two things before we even start. One, unlike most Food Network shows, she actually cooks in her own kitchen (a similar tactic is used by food porn fertility goddess Nigella Lawson on her own show, I Have Gigantic Tits and Also There's Food). Two, bitch can coordinate every single appliance in her kitchen, and she changes it weekly. Nowhere is this more prominent than in the state of her mixer. Some weeks it's white. When the set changes, it's black. It's also been spotted in red, copper, chartreuse, lavender, and eggplant, just off the top of my head; I'm sure there's more. I don't know what kind of strings you need to pull to get a chartreuse hand-mixer. Maybe she just paints over the same one in the obscene amount of free time she seems to have on her hands. The exposure to that kind of excess paint fumage would also explain a lot of other things, so I've decided this decision satisfies me.

    5. She makes tablescapes (???).
    The tablescape is one of those great mysteries in that I'm fairly certain it's something Sandra Lee made up in one of her drunk, lonely stupors. With her husband perpetually absent (I GOT LOVE FOR ALL MY BABY MAMAS, as Fantasia might express) and her son Bryce -- a.k.a. the Brycer, to put it in Sandra's loveably sloshed cadence -- she just decided that every. single. meal needs some ridiculous elaborate table set up, the theme of which she decides arbitrarily. It might be an "under the sea" tablescape, with thematic sea horse name-cards, or a "autumn harvest" tablescape with the name-cards placed in hollowed tiny pumpkins. In any case, Sandra Lee is the last person left in the world who actually uses name-cards, possibly because she's too liquored up to remember the names of the people with whom she's shared a home for the past fifteen years. Which brings me to point eight...

    4. She's an alcoholic.
    This isn't out of the ordinary, as there are many times where I think Rachael Ray is also on the sauce before I realise that she's merely loveably handicapable. However, what is unique is that she is totally unabashed about her drinking problem. Every episode includes at least one cocktail, usually colour-coordinated to her tablescape, and she has the nasty habit of pouring the drinks into the mixing glasses right over the pitcher, so sometimes there's overflow. Substantial overflow. Sometimes she upends the bottle and overflows the fucker right into her mouth. I once saw an episode where she made three different sets of cocktails and drank them as she cooked; she was practically double-fisting near the end. Her interior organs must be more battered than Mary-Kate Olsen's vagina. She also makes "kiddy cocktails" for her children. I'm reasonably sure that these probably contain just as much alcohol as the real cocktails, and I'm equally sure that her kids never see a drop of it because she chugs every drink at the goddamn table.

    If you need evidence on just what a lush she is, I think this video sums it up quite nicely. She's even ruining Jesus's birthday with that shit now.

    3. She's vulgar.
    As you watch more and more episodes of Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee, the odds of her saying something graphic and completely inappropriate like "These kiddy cocktails are for the Brycer. He has a little girlfriend; he's a balls-out pussy-hound just like his dad." gradually approach one.

    2. She's lazy.
    More than any other Food Network chef, Sandra Lee just seems to hate cooking. I have no idea why she's made it her chosen occupation. She always seems actively disgusted at the idea of doing any of her own cooking and cuts the most ludicrous corners to keep this eventuality from occurring. Example: the Daffodil Cake. Let me clue you in on exactly what you're looking at here: that is a store-bought sheetcake, covered in storebought icing. She then put a store bought angel foodcake on top of that, covered that in storebought icing. Then she put storebought cookies on that and storebought cupcakes around those, being careful not to take the wrappers off lest the cake become appealling. She claims it serves eight. This is a lie because that "cake" could serve forty fucking people with leftovers. As an added bonus, she tells the story of commandeering the kitchen at Mario Batali's restaurant to assemble that disgrace during a friend's birthday party. That would be a horrendously gauche breach of etiquette if she weren't simultaneously sticking it to that fat fuck Mario Batali, to which I say "go Sandy go."

    1. The Kwanzaa Cake.
    There is nothing I can do or say that would do justice to the Kwanzaa cake. So instead I humbly submit it to you, and you may judge for yourself. What I will say is that nothing screams Kwanzaa like table candles jammed into a bundt cake covered in Corn Nuts. Oh, sorry, "acorns."

  4. #109
    Elite Member BITTER's Avatar
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    ^^^BWHAHAHAHAHA. Too funny. And bitchy. Love that.

    But remember - Sandy is childless and divorced. Brycer is her sister's son. And the hubby left her when he realized what a conniving gold-digger she was.

  5. #110
    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    Boots,I don't know who your friend is,but I am in LOVE with him! That is the funniest thing ever-I am just howling,barely able to breathe!!
    I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West

  6. #111
    Elite Member Belt Up's Avatar
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    Sputnik, that Bourdain pic just made my day, thank you.

  7. #112
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    Quote Originally Posted by McJag View Post
    Boots,I don't know who your friend is,but I am in LOVE with him! That is the funniest thing ever-I am just howling,barely able to breathe!!
    The descriptions of the Daffodil and Kwanzaa Cakes are fucking hysterical.

  8. #113
    Elite Member McJag's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BITTER View Post
    The descriptions of the Daffodil and Kwanzaa Cakes are fucking hysterical.
    That's when I totally lost it!
    I didn't start out to collect diamonds, but somehow they just kept piling up.-Mae West

  9. #114
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    Quote Originally Posted by McJag View Post
    That's when I totally lost it!
    When Sandra goes to the Pearly Gates, Julia Child WILL be there, poking God in the ribs, saying, "Don't you let that bitch up in here! She's the one who made Kwanzaa Cake!".

  10. #115
    Elite Member BITTER's Avatar
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    Sandra is sooooooo fucking USELESS!!! She buys booze 'cause it matches her TABLESCAPE! Drunk-assed HO!!!

    [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jaRjhVYkxw&feature=related[/YOUTUBE]

  11. #116
    Silver Member mrsJB's Avatar
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    o this is sooo my topic. i have food network on everyday. i kno, pathetic right?

    i love rachel ray. even tho i cringe everytime she starts repeating herself over and over again. i dont kno how many times i've heard about her days as a fountain girl. and she is the one person on foodnetwork that will rip me from my sleep if i have dozed off in front of the tv.

    i love to hate sandra lee and that giada chick. why are they sooo skinny? either the one bite they eat while filming is the ONLY thing they eat all day or they are running to the bathroom to purge themselves. i dont kno which. i hate how sandra always says "can i tell you something?" or how she "cant wait for me to try this."

    why does giada talk with an accent only sometimes? seriously, how does that work? it drives me nuts but i still watch her like everyday. my boyfriend calls her the big headed booby bitch. enuf said.

    robin miller's got the most beadiest eyes i've ever seen.
    bobby flay looks like the grown up version of the chucky doll. and i hate his man boobies.
    i love paula deen, even tho my arteries clog up just watching her cook. i HATE her douchebag sons tho.
    emeril can cook but i dont like him. he's gross.
    and finally the only one i dont have anything negative to say about is guy fieriti(however you spell it) i love him, especailly in diners drive ins and dives.
    I'm not loafing, I just work so fast I'm always finished.

  12. #117
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrsJB View Post
    o this is sooo my topic. i have food network on everyday. i kno, pathetic right?
    Welcome to Pathetic World LOL.
    i love rachel ray. even tho i cringe everytime she starts repeating herself over and over again. i dont kno how many times i've heard about her days as a fountain girl. and she is the one person on foodnetwork that will rip me from my sleep if i have dozed off in front of the tv.

    i love to hate sandra lee and that giada chick. why are they sooo skinny? either the one bite they eat while filming is the ONLY thing they eat all day or they are running to the bathroom to purge themselves. i dont kno which. i hate how sandra always says "can i tell you something?" or how she "cant wait for me to try this."

    why does giada talk with an accent only sometimes? seriously, how does that work? it drives me nuts but i still watch her like everyday. my boyfriend calls her the big headed booby bitch. enuf said.

    robin miller's got the most beadiest eyes i've ever seen.
    bobby flay looks like the grown up version of the chucky doll. and i hate his man boobies.
    i love paula deen, even tho my arteries clog up just watching her cook. i HATE her douchebag sons tho.
    emeril can cook but i dont like him. he's gross.
    and finally the only one i dont have anything negative to say about is guy fieriti(however you spell it) i love him, especailly in diners drive ins and dives.
    Some call Miller "Skeletor" because she's so damned thin. I won't, 'cause her older sister did die from anorexia.

    I can take Paula and the boys in limited amounts. My gaydar pings when Bobby's in the room.

    Emeril has gotten massive.

    I used to like Giada, but her new show is so fucking dull and she has a big head only to hold her ego. I read an article on her in the NY Post; she's a narcissistic twat.

  13. #118
    Elite Member lisalucy69's Avatar
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    i like Anthony Bourdain, Guy Fieri, Anne Burrell, Jaimie Oliver, Alton Brown, and the original Iron Chefs. I sometimes watch Sandra Lee, but only because i am entertained by the ridiculousness of everything matching her food and the fact that she seems like such a lush. Her semi-homemade crap never seems easier than just making the shit from scratch and it seems like it can be quite pricey. She makes me laugh though. I don't like Giada, her cleavage bothers me and it overshadows her cooking. The Neely's are too sappy. Ina seems like such a snobby bitch that i cannot watch. And Paula just seems crazy. Sometimes it seems like the bigger of a star these chefs become, the less i like to watch them.

    Happy trails to you...until we meet again.
    I love & miss you Dad.

  14. #119
    Elite Member C_is_for_Cookie's Avatar
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    I love Alton Brown. Good Eats is must watch tv in my household and I have no problem watching reruns because the show is that good. I also like Bobby Flay.

    I can't stand Rachael Ray. I have to change the channel when she's on. I don't care much for Guy Fieri but I do like Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. I can deal with hi being the host, it would have been a better show without him though.

  15. #120
    Elite Member BITTER's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetie View Post
    I bet his toenails are all thick and yellow.
    HAHAHA. I was watching his show on Singapore. After a night of gorging and boozing, he went to a reflexologist to get a foot massage. Sho 'nuff, his toenails were all THICK AND YELLOW!

    Urp.

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