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Thread: Why is candy corn infiltrating other sweets?

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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Default Why is candy corn infiltrating other sweets?

    Candy Corn Is Trash and Hershey's Candy Corn Bars Are an Abomination Against God

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    Anna MerlanFiled to: CANDY9/15/15 6:15pm







    Tis the season, the only season that matters, the season that Halloween candy finally starts appearing on the shelves. Unfortunately, that also means candy corn has made its foul return, a crumbling and earwax-esque concoction that, like your racist grandparent, you only give a pass because it’s been around for so long.

    Unfortunately, candy corn hasn’t been content to fester and die in a CVS bin somewhere in the innermost circles of Hell. Instead, over the past few years, it has been shamelessly infiltrating other, legitimate candies. This aggression is offensive and it cannot stand.

    However, like a weak, disgusting, curiously textured army, candy corn’s battle offensives are only intermittently successful. Today, in the spirit of science, the New York-based Jezebel staff purchased both white chocolate candy corn M&Ms and Hershey’s “candy corn creme bars,” which, you will notice, do not even pretend to be white chocolate. Let’s review:

    M&Ms (Less Bad)

    The candy corn M&Ms are... curious. They lack the sturdy, glossy coating of normal M&Ms and thus, M&Ms’ normal structural integrity. When they emerged from music editor Julianne Escobedo Shepherd’s purse, they were already sweating unpleasantly. They flaked immediately in and all over the palm.

    Also, they’re just white chocolate. Bite one of them in half and try to tell me different:

    1
    That’s white chocolate. That’s all that is. Candy corn my ass.

    This ruse fooled no one at Gawker Media: “They’re trying to take me for afool,” commented Jane-Claire Quigley, our manager of editorial operations. They failed:

    Jezebel staff writer Clover Hope — a woefully misguided self-described “candy-corn fan” — also wasn’t impressed. “These aren’t doing it for me,” she commented. There you have it.

    Hershey’s (Worse)


    The Hershey’s, meanwhile, contain actual and very menacing pieces of candy corn. They lurked under the surface of the tiny bar like fish trapped in an iceberg or carrot chunks submerged in vomit.



    The “creme” bar was hideously sweet, a nauseating molar-punch of sugar and vegetable oil.


    “This is... waxy?” commented managing editor Erin Gloria Ryan. “It’s cloying. It’s just highly compressed sugar.”


    Our assistant editor Ellie Schechet was initially reluctant to try the “creme” bar, but eventually did so with my gentle encouragement:

    She did not even eat a whole mini bar. Everyone who tried a Hershey’s threw it away after just a few sad bites. Even I could only eat two of them. That’s because they are disgusting, they are too sweet, if such a thing could exist, and they taste like a crayon that someone poured non-dairy creamer over. They should not be. And if you needed further proof that they’re terrible, senior editor Kate Dries liked them.

    “Btw i love this candy corn white chocolate,” she wrote. “Very pro.”

    Dries previously expressed an interest in these candy corn bars last year, before going on to be hideously wrong about Girl Scout Cookies. Kate Dries: wrong about candy, wrong for America.

    Our national seasonally-themed nightmare is not yet over: M&Ms is also now producing pumpkin spice latte and pecan pie flavors, which, God help us and save us, we will sample when we find them, and report back.


    MohandasKGanja likes this.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

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    Elite Member MohandasKGanja's Avatar
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    I always thought that candy corn was one of the most mystifyingly awful candies that show up in the Fall season.

    When I was a kid, I actually would nipple the white part first, then, the orange, and finally the yellow - as if any of those parts tasted differently.
    ikmccall likes this.

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    Elite Member ManxMouse's Avatar
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    So, so gross. Candy corn, circus peanuts, and all other candy made solely with syrup and sugar should die in a fire.
    Santa is an elitist mother fucker -- giving expensive shit to rich kids and nothing to poor kids.

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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MohandasKGanja View Post
    I always thought that candy corn was one of the most mystifyingly awful candies that show up in the Fall season.

    When I was a kid, I actually would nipple the white part first, then, the orange, and finally the yellow - as if any of those parts tasted differently.

    ORLY? Interesting.
    SHELLEE, msdeb, Kittylady and 1 others like this.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

    http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic4098_9.gif Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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    Elite Member MohandasKGanja's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greysfang View Post
    ORLY? Interesting.
    Serious Freudian slip on my part. Although, I was relieved to eventually find out that nipples don't taste like candy corn.

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    Elite Member panic's Avatar
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    I hate the texture of candy corn and only ever see it during halloween season.
    "The wild, cruel beast is not behind the bars of the cage. He is in front of it."...Axel Munthe

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    Elite Member greysfang's Avatar
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    I don't like candy corn either, but for whatever reason I have a compulsion to grab a handful when someone puts out a dish. I'm going to blame it on early childhood brainwashing.
    SHELLEE and witchcurlgirl like this.
    FUCK YOU AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMN VENTI TWO PUMP LIGHT WHIP MOCHA YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH. I just get unpleasant in my car. - Deej

    http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/signaturepics/sigpic4098_9.gif Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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    Elite Member gas_chick's Avatar
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    I fucking love candy corn.
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    Elite Member C_is_for_Cookie's Avatar
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    It's one of the nastiest candies around.
    avatar made by green_queen@LJ

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    Elite Member Brah's Avatar
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    I fucking love it too. I don't understand why, I'm not a candy person these days, but I could eat an entire bag in a day if I allowed myself (so I don't eat any at all).
    gas_chick likes this.

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    Elite Member SHELLEE's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greysfang View Post
    I don't like candy corn either, but for whatever reason I have a compulsion to grab a handful when someone puts out a dish. I'm going to blame it on early childhood brainwashing.
    I don't like it either but I do the same damn thing too.
    See, Whores, we are good for something. Love, Florida
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    Elite Member dolem's Avatar
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    I LOVE it! But, I get sick of it really, really fast! That whole gross, but also amazing, harvest blend with the pumpkins in it. YUM! I've seen it for Valentines and also Easter with the appropriate pastel colors for each holiday.
    gas_chick likes this.

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    Elite Member KrisNine's Avatar
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    I love candy corn and I don't really like candy!

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    Gold Member emkat's Avatar
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    http://www.candywarehouse.com/assets...-ff-131309.jpg
    I love this stuff! But only once a year.
    I saw DEATH, an anorexic penguin, an overcooked Gollum, Mr. Burns in need of a haircut and a methed-up Riff Raff.--Michael K. on Phil Spector

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    Elite Member faithanne's Avatar
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    It's that time of year, when Americans cream themselves over eating sweet wax. Do go on.
    Sleuth likes this.
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