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Thread: F**k you, Kombucha!

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    Elite Member sputnik's Avatar
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    Default F**k you, Kombucha!



    [COLOR=#BCC9CF !important]


    FUCK YOU WEEK
    Laura Beck

    Fuck You, Kombucha!




    This is Fuck You Week, Jezebel's first annual week of desperate emotional cleansing and unhinged psychic purging.
    Kombucha has three camps — people who love it, people who hate it, and people who don't know what the fuck it is. People who love it, get the fuck outta here, I'm done with you — JK, I love you, come back, but seriously, shut your damn mouth or worse, go fill it with kombucha.
    People who don't know what it is, I'm not talking about the circular squash or Japanese seaweed tea with similar names — I'm talking about something ten million times worse. Kombucha is an effervescent fermentation of sweetened tea — more aptly described as carbonated vinegar water. Back in the day, they used to just call that a douche, but now it's a speciality drink sold at Whole Foods for $5 a bottle. Progress. Also, people who have yet to dip their tongues into that murky, bubbly dishwater funk, YOU MUST PROMISE ME YOU THAT YOU NEVER WILL. PROMISE ME THIS.
    Now. People who hate it, let's rap.
    How creepy is it that they refer to the organisms that comprise kombucha as a mother and baby? It's like the beginning of some Japanese horror film called Dorinku. The "mother" is actually a symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast. And yes, they do call that the SCOBY. As if some adorable acronym — I know, you're thinking SCOBY DOO and that's making you feel like it's an adorable cartoon dog. Don't, it's a trick! — makes up for the fact that you are drinking an unholy melange of bacteria and yeast. Making it is gross as hell, the "mother" floats in tea and slowly grows the baby underneath her. A real concern of homebrewers should be that the "mother" and "baby" are going to enter your thoughts and make you turn on the gas on the stove. Never turn your back on SCOBY.
    And when you accidentally get a little of the "baby" in your mouth it feels like you're drinking someone else's loogie. Their thick, slimy, textured loogie. Ugh, it's so gross and disgusting and I'm dry heaving just thinking about it.
    And then there's the fact that you're spending as much on a beverage as you do on a sandwich. Seven kombuchas in, you've wasted your child's college tuition. GOOD PARENTING. People would flinch at paying $5 for a beer at that price from a store, will gladly shovel it over to down some fungus water.
    Finally, I really feel I can't trust carbonation from a natural source, the whole point of soda is that it's unnatural and that's the way I like it. If I buy Grape Fanta, I know it's going to taste like hella bubbly fake grape deliciousness. If I buy kombucha, no matter what flavor is advertised on the bottle, I know it's going to taste like fermented foot juice mixed with botulism and then put in a Soda Stream. PASS!

    Rusalka likes this.
    I'm open to everything. When you start to criticise the times you live in, your time is over. - Karl Lagerfeld

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    Elite Member Waterslide's Avatar
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    Dorinku!

    I have walked past that stuff at Whole Foods and I have never been tempted to try it.
    Gross, put it away. You could dress beautifully but you gotta be Miss Granny Panty Whore.
    ~Manx Mouse

    Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator twitchy2.0's Avatar
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    I've had that. Once. Wasn't as terrible as you'd think by looking at it but not something I'd do again.

    "The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."

    -- Stephen Hawking

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    Elite Member Waterslide's Avatar
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    Well, I wasn't tempted to try it until after reading this. I can't leave a warning well enough alone.
    Gross, put it away. You could dress beautifully but you gotta be Miss Granny Panty Whore.
    ~Manx Mouse

    Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.

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    Elite Member Rusalka's Avatar
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    I tried it once, not even knowing what it was and just thinking it was some fancy fruit drink from Whole Foods. I still remember the experience vividly even though it was years ago. Not something I want to do again.

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    Elite Member Lalique's Avatar
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    Jesus. That picture is what I imagine Lindsay Lohan's diseased vagina to look like.
    heart_leigh and Laurent like this.
    What I really want to know is whether it makes your poop glow in the dark after eating it! ~ Kittylady

  7. #7
    Elite Member Waterslide's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lalique View Post
    Jesus. That picture is what I imagine Lindsay Lohan's diseased vagina to look like.
    Oddly enough, I always associate this stuff with Lindsay.



    Lindsay Lohan: It was Kombucha tea, not cocktails - latimes.com
    Gross, put it away. You could dress beautifully but you gotta be Miss Granny Panty Whore.
    ~Manx Mouse

    Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.

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    Elite Member sprynkles's Avatar
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    Lol, I used to grow my own and share with friends. Somewhere in the 90's it was a big amazing "will cure everything" fad. It tasted pretty awful. But I drink apple cider vinegar, so I'm up for anything. But it was a short lived thing for me and my friends as it seemed to do nothing other than cause gagging.

    Meryl doesn't even try anymore. She just calls Lanvin and asks for curtains with a belt.~Bitter
    Can we interest you in Leann Rimes? She has a nice little cadre of fans you'd probably enjoy.~ Pecan Pie

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    Elite Member Waterslide's Avatar
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    Is it as strong as apple cider vinegar? I tried drinking apple cider vinegar before and I thought my entire system was going to shut down.
    Gross, put it away. You could dress beautifully but you gotta be Miss Granny Panty Whore.
    ~Manx Mouse

    Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.

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    Elite Member MohandasKGanja's Avatar
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    Is it something I could use if I have that "less than fresh" feeling?

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    Elite Member Brookie's Avatar
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    Mohandas - yes, please feel free to douse your member with it. All of it. Tried it once - it's TERRIBLE. Absolutely cringeworthy. Will make your tastebuds run for the hills and hide out. Tea? Not in a million years. Vinegar? Yes - one that's been filtered thru a used jockstrap, tighty-whiteys with skid marks, and a pair of Beckham's soccer socks that haven't been washed in 5 years.
    Waterslide likes this.
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    Elite Member Waterslide's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brookie View Post
    Mohandas - yes, please feel free to douse your member with it. All of it. Tried it once - it's TERRIBLE. Absolutely cringeworthy. Will make your tastebuds run for the hills and hide out. Tea? Not in a million years. Vinegar? Yes - one that's been filtered thru a used jockstrap, tighty-whiteys with skid marks, and a pair of Beckham's soccer socks that haven't been washed in 5 years.
    OK, now I'm just scared I walked past it in the store. lol
    Brookie and Mercer like this.
    Gross, put it away. You could dress beautifully but you gotta be Miss Granny Panty Whore.
    ~Manx Mouse

    Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.

  13. #13
    Elite Member ManxMouse's Avatar
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    Really, no one is into Kombucha? I looooove it, especially the grape and cranberry flavors of this brand:
    Buddhas Brew Kombucha
    Carbonated and tart, unlike syrupy, sweet, or chemical-y sodas. And it's got probiotics out the ass (lol). I don't find the idea of fermentation or bacterial/fungus strains particularly off-putting, considering many of the things we gladly eat and drink that are also healthy. And I've never had any kind of loogie-type encounter, which would have put me off, considering texture is extremely important to me as far as food/drink preferences go. Don't knock it 'til you've given it a fair shot.
    Santa is an elitist mother fucker -- giving expensive shit to rich kids and nothing to poor kids.

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    Elite Member nancydrew's Avatar
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    Ok but what the fuck is that in the picture? Looks like Courtney Love's snatch.
    twitchy2.0 likes this.
    (276): Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
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    Elite Member Laxmobster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ManxMouse View Post
    Really, no one is into Kombucha? I looooove it, especially the grape and cranberry flavors of this brand:
    Buddhas Brew Kombucha
    Carbonated and tart, unlike syrupy, sweet, or chemical-y sodas. And it's got probiotics out the ass (lol). I don't find the idea of fermentation or bacterial/fungus strains particularly off-putting, considering many of the things we gladly eat and drink that are also healthy. And I've never had any kind of loogie-type encounter, which would have put me off, considering texture is extremely important to me as far as food/drink preferences go. Don't knock it 'til you've given it a fair shot.
    I drink it on occasion! My friend grows her own and makes flavored teas. We put it in our "green" drinks. It's not as bad as they make it out to be. The first time I tried it though, man it cleared me the fuck out. Total body cleanse. I wanna try to make my own but I'm too scared because it's really easy to get contaminated. Don't be scurred, people...
    Quote Originally Posted by Celestial View Post
    I also choose to believe the rumors because I am, when it is all said and done, a dirty gossip.

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