20 Unholy Recipes: Dishes So Awful We Had to Make Them
By Nick Lucchesi in List Mania!
, Throwback of the House
Tue., Feb. 16 2010 @ 1:26PM
After about a year of perusing old-school cookbooks
looking for weird recipes and spotting bizarre trends (hot dogs + eggs, inside a Jell-O mold
) from the '50s, food blogger Robin Wheeler compiled her twenty most stomach-turning concoctions. (Do not view this list before lunch. Jeez, or maybe after lunch either. Either way, consider yourself warned.)
We've presented those twenty worst below as a warning to enthusiastic cooks out there: Creativity isn't
always a good thing, and in relation to high-quality food porn photos, please consider these pictures the equivalent of a snuff film.
Now, on with the countdown!
20. Aspic Entrées: Jellied Bouillon with Frankfurters
From 1953's 500 Tasty Snacks: Ideas of Entertaining. Read about this dish here.
19. Apricot Salad Ruins Teeth, Christmas
Here's a snippet of the recipe: "Boil apricot Jell-O with eight pounds of sugar (approximately) and water. Whip with cream cheese. Consider a welding mask for this job, lest molten Jell-O-cheese fly into your face. Add a giant can of crushed pineapple with syrup, Gerber's and chopped pecans." Read more here, if you dare.
18. "New-Look Cocktail Spreads"
This recipe is from 1967's Perfect Parties
by Good Housekeeping
magazine. From our original story on these red and green cheese balls: "The recipe instructs that the cheese balls should be rolled in foil, chilled and then coated in dried beef (red) and chopped curly parsley (green). Joke's on you! It'll look nothing like the photos in the cookbook! Good Housekeeping
molded the cheese balls in fluted molds and topped them with hairdos of garnish that look like 1970s porn pubes." Read more here.
17. Fruitcake Slices: All the Fun of Fruitcake with None of the Booze
This recipe was pulled from Pillsbury's 1976 Festive Baking for All Seasons
: Dunk them Oreo-style in Jack Daniel's -- not just because you need to take the edge off, but because the lack of liquid in the recipe makes the cookies dry as coal. The cherries distract from the dryness with a rubber crunch and a mouthfeel that can come only from a marinade in high-fructose corn syrup. Read more here.
16. Scandinavian Sandwich
The Scandinavian Sandwich in 1972's Better Homes and Gardens' Jiffy Cooking
has ingredients from England, America, France and Italy. And it has exactly one thing in common with Scandinavian cuisine. It tastes like flavorless crap. It's char and mush. Read more about this recipe.
15. The "Triple Play Warmer"
The master of all advertising cookbooks, A Campbell's Cookbook: Cooking with Soup
, spawned this recipe. The "Triple Play Warmer," like 98 percent of the recipes in the book, wasn't created because it tasted good. It was created to sell as many cans of soup as possible. Read more about this heinous recipe.
14. The Good: Hot Dog Nutty Fritters. The Bad: Hot Dog Salad Dressing
These recipes were pulled from 1968's Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Cookbook
and came out not-so-bad and vomit-inducing, respectively. Read more about these recipes here.
13. Reuben Chowder
"I knew I'd hate the Reuben Chowder recipe from 1983's Better Homes and Gardens Soups and Stews Cook Book
. Canned corned beef
pisses me off almost as much as hunger itself. But as a little experiment, I opted to fast in preparation." Read more about this recipe here.
12. Salmon Rice Casserole
"Thanks to Pyrex Prize Recipes
, I'm over it. With its Salmon Rice Casserole recipe, Pyrex hasn't just turned me against my beloved pimiento cheese, but I don't think I'll be able to eat rice, salmon or olives in any form ever again." Read more about this recipe here.
11. Jellied Chicken
This recipe was taken from The Blender Way to Better Cooking
-- 200 pages of recipes, all requiring a blender. Enough said. Read more about this recipe here.
10. Vienna Sausage Shortcake
"Leave it to those jackasses at Good Housekeeping
to bring Vienna sausages back into my world with their 1967 Keep Cool Cookbook
," writes Robin Wheeler about this dish. "The Vienna-Sausage Shortcake involves baking a batch of cornbread, and simmering cream of chicken soup, cheese, green beans, and Vienna sausages. That'll sit just fine in your belly during the dog days." Read more about this recipe here.
9. The Pickle-Stretcher Salad
"Oh, the hilarity of the Pickle Stretcher Salad
recipe in 1969's Salads Cookbook
! Over 500 salad recipes, and not a one contains fresh vegetables!" writes Robin Wheeler about this recipe. "The Pickle Stretcher Salad gave me the most visceral reaction I have ever had to a food-like item. I love olives, dill pickles and just about anything limey, but combining the three left me with a shiver that wouldn't stop traveling my spine. One bite, and I'm sure I will never, ever forget the texture of slime and crunchy, the taste of ammonia and acid." Read more about stretching your pickle here.
8. Gooey Buns: Not What You'd Think.
"Gooey Buns sound like a yummy breakfast pastry. They're not. Grind bologna, American cheese, mustard, mayo and relish into a paste. Spread inside buttered hot dog buns, wrap in foil, and place in the oven until the buns are stale." Read more about this awful recipe here.
7. "Dad's Denvers"
Take a French roll and spread with deviled ham
. If you have a really good relationship with your dad, substitute canned cat food, which is made with higher-quality meat than Satan's pork-meat product. Cook a green onion omelet in bacon fat and place atop the Devil Chow. Top with tomato and broil. Do not serve to dads with heart conditions. Read more about this recipe here.
6. "Circle Pups"
This mustard-covered dish is included in the 1963 edition of Better Homes and Gardens Meals in Minutes
, the same bastard that gave us Friday Franks
. This time it's Circle Pups, which sounds like something dirty that might happen at a fraternity initiation. Read more about this mustard abomination here.
5. "Crown Roast"
This crown roast tells your family, "I had ten minutes and five dollars to waste on you people. Eat up." It tastes like...hell, does it even matter? It's Treet covered with orange marmalade and baked. It tastes exactly like you think it would taste." Read more about this royal recipe here.
4. "Busy Lady Beefcake"
There were lots of busy ladies in 1966, entering recipes in the 17th annual Pillsbury Busy Lady Bake-Off
in hopes of winning the $25,000 grand prize. Read more about this recipe here.
3. Prune Whip
At first glance Prune Whip looks downright dangerous. With its raw whipped egg white folded into cooked prune puree, a kid could die from the combination of salmonella and nature's laxative. Read more about this recipe here.
2. Asparagus-Macaroni Loaf
Meat and bread aren't the only foods suitable for the loaf treatment. In 1968's Favorite Recipes of America - Vegetables
, I counted four rings, eight loaves and a mold in its 370 pages. Since it's spring, I opted for the Asparagus-Macaroni Loaf. Read more about this recipe here.
1. "Stellar Sauce"
You know the top spot had to go to a sauce of some sort, especially a sauce with such a promising description as "stellar." The secret to this sauce? Cream of celery soup with melted Gruyère. Read more about this recipe here.